2002-08-31 - 8:58 a.m.

August 31, 2002

Good morning, diary!

What a change. They all have been. I'm actually sitting here for the.. 4th? 5th? day in a row, entering a diary entry. Maybe it's only been 2 haha.. anyway, the point is I'm really doing the things I said I would do a week ago.

Right away I'm reminded of what someone shared last night.. it was Xxxxxxx, and she said that she was finally doing things like making goals now that she was sober, things she had never done before. For me, it's not that I hadn't made goals before, but I'd sure be ashamed to find any record of them now. If I'm going to make it in this new life, I'd better damn well live in the now and never forget to keep all these important things in mind. It's like.. setting up dominoes. I've been setting up dominoes now for two weeks, and so far I have a nice little arrangement of 14 dominoes. Math major in the room ;) Not. However.. the first drink I pick up at any time in the future, will knock those 14 over, as well as any others that I happen to have striven for until that day.

Ooh. I used the word 'striven'. And it's even a real word.. I know that thanks to Dictionary.com :)

It's kind of scary in a way, but it's also kind of reassuring. The power of alcohol is to make us forget.. to make us forget exactly how things were in the past, especially how much alcohol hurt us. It would also tend to make me forget that I'd worked hard to get where I am. I know people are tempted to pick up that first drink after years of sobriety. That's alcohol hiding all their dominoes. You'd think that the more you pile up, the more you feel like you have to lose if you pick up the first drink, but it's not like that. Either you forget about them, or they are made invisible by the powerful call of the drink.

That first morning exactly two weeks ago, I thought it would be easy to stay quit for the rest of my life. I still feel that way, but I'm starting to see the lack of reason that thinking entails. You see, my basis for thinking that was that Michelle was gone. As long as Michelle is gone, it's easy to remember. But imagine she had come back within, say, a week. Would I then have known I was an alcoholic? I would have my promise to myself that I wouldn't drink, but who's to say I wouldn't find some reason to let myself drink "in a controlled fashion" 10 years from now? That would have meant the likely end of our hypothetical marriage. I honestly think that even without recognizing I'm an alcoholic, I would have stayed away from booze. But then again, I also honestly thought that I could never hit Michelle. That is until alcohol intervened in my 'thinking' and 'control'. I don't know, and honestly I'm glad it's something I don't have to debate with myself, because I *am* in fact an alcoholic, and I know the consequences of picking up that first drink at any time in the future. I also know that I am powerless over alcohol. Same thing, really, but I wanted to bring that first step understanding into the picture.

So.. this entry is very ramblific. Hahah.. find that one on dictionary.com. I'm going to get dressed cause the morning isn't quite as warm as I thought. September tomorrow... amazing.

Oh yeah, on to the recap. I don't remember exactly what I talked about yesterday. Hmm. I'm thinking that maybe my diary will change from a recap of the previous day to a more 'living in the now' sketch of how I'm feeling. But then I think I would only get snapshots of my mornings. Hmm.. decisions, decisions ;)

Yesterday was definitely a good day. I did get quite a bit of work done, although I'm going to have to go in to the office some time this long weekend to finish up some processes. I was facing a big stumbling block up until yesterday because the bulk of the code for the file download and replacement process didn't have a logical place to go, in my mind. I finally figured out how I could launch a task from the WM_INITDIALOG event and then use global variables to .. hola! I have just had an ergonomic discovery! (ps I know that's not how you use the word ergonomic.. loosen up ;) Instead of using a slew of global variables, as I had indubitably started to do, I should use a single global pointer to an object that stores all the variables I'm interested in. _That_'s something that's been driving me nuts.

I need a global variable because the task code executes in its own thread and has no .... ack! Oh my goodness! I'm such a blatant fool! I need no such thing as a global variable! I just need to init the task with a freaking pointer to a data structure that contains all the variables I'm interested in! The task can update that structure, and the dialog can reference it from home base. Man.. I really .. ok, nix "you are stupid" self-commentary. I am not stupid. I need to have more patience with myself.

I don't know what it is, but I have a really hard time having these good innovative thoughts at the office. Sigh. Anyway, there it is. So simple. You just share the definition of the data across both files, and then the separate scopes can exchange information throught the shared pointer. That's the global dilemma I've faced for so long. Ack.

So work went well, and it's going to go even better as you can see. I'm just hoping for a thundershower some time this weekend so I can get some incentive to go to work. Yesterday I asked Jamie to play tennis today. I'm glad I'm so forward in my friendships lately. Definitely something to pick up again :)

After work I came home and made myself a chicken caesar salad for supper. I don't think I realized just how little chicken is on one of those drumsticky type things I defrosted when I chopped half a clove of garlic and put it in the pan. I still taste the freaking garlic. Dinner was good, though, and I was in a great mood afterward. I made my grocery list while pacing around the apartment cause I had so much energy :) I was really really happy all day and I thought at the time that it was a rebound effect from how depressed I had been in the days leading up. I don't know if that's true or not.. I hope not, because I want to be that happy every day. We're talking Bay-street happy here folks. That's what I've been pining for since I moved out.

Note that my moving out coincided almost exactly with my resuming of the pot-smoking habit once I was settled in at Syndicate. That house was torn down, and the life I had led as a pothead has also been torn down, so the path is clear for me to do something with my life.

I still have yet to have a desire to quit pot completely, though. I know pot is insidious just like alcohol. I guess it's just that the worst thing that is going to happen to me if I'm a pothead is that I'll be too lazy to accomplish anything meaningful. We'll see... I think most alcoholics wish at some level that they could reward themselves for their efforts with a successfully learned social drinking skill. Hmm.. deep. Because the point of quitting is to let go of that need, the same need that drives you to want to be able to drink again, responsibly, mind you. But anyway, I'm thinking that I may at some day decide to takle responsible marijuana smoking. It's not like it's impossible, you know. I could just have a joint a week. Would I degenerate to smoking every day again? Well, I guess that would depend on how much I really learned about self control and living in the now, living day by day. Is it even worth considering? Only because I haven't made that final decision yet.

Grocery shopping was good. I was a little surprised that the bill came to $37. I was aiming more for $20 and although I picked up some extra items that weren't on my list, I did a little mental addition.. and .. heyyyyy I'm remembering now that I was at like $25 in my head and I hadn't picked up the last few items. Never mind, then, I don't know what I was thinking. Weird. Head will be clearer later on, not later on today as in these 24 hours, but later on today as in the rest of the day of my life.

After shopping was the meeting and let me tell you, I really thought it was only half-way over when it was finished. It was like sitting down to supper at an expensive restaurant where everything is being bought for you and they close up shop just after the appetizers. I really can't wait till the next meeting. And I think I've made up my mind about what to do with the badminton conflict.. I'm just going to have to find another meeting to go to for the other two days of the week. From everything I understand so far, that is just going to be a positive, but right now I'm comfortable and happy where I am. It will all work out, I'm sure. I feel the path solidly under my feet.

After meeting was an elated diary entry, which I'm sure you'll remember (being a computer and all). And it's worth recording that when I first laid down, I actually had the following thought in my mind: "Ahhh, at last a night where I'm free to relax and rest." Funny how I didn't fall asleep until at least an hour afterwards. I don't think I'll put it down to mental wrangling, although I did go over imaginary conversations and even meetings with Michelle several times in several different ways. I really can't be hard on myself because I'm trying and I know I'll eventually be free of that unnerving habit. Last night my tummy was bothering me and it kept me up. It's understandable that the first thing my mind fixed on was the most important thing happening in my life. Ack.. ooops. Don't forget Carl, you're barely on the path to recovery. Michelle's leaving had been a good thing. Before it can be important to get her back, it has to be crucial to get yourself back. So anyway, at least that was on my mind, too. It's just that my mind didn't keep coming back to it. No more garlic-heavy meals before bed then, even if it's hours ahead. Actually, just less garlic next time I think.

And that, my fine future self, brings me to the end of this diary entry.

(Summerfling by k.d.)

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