2002-09-02 - 7:53 a.m.

Dear Diary,

Hmm. I'm a little tired this morning. I wasn't able to fall asleep until maybe 1:00am last night. Thinking back on it, I shouldn't have sat in front of the computer after the meeting. I didn't do anything "bad".. honest, I didn't open MSN or look for emails.. I just read over the MSN conversations that Michelle and I have had in the last two weeks. At least the ones I made a copy of. I was absolutely stunned at how much I suddenly understood where she was coming from by reading them over. Mostly the revelation stemmed from that 1st good conversation we had yesterday, but more on that later. Before I left for my meeting, I started downloading a bunch of spanish guitar music on Gnucleus, and that's really what led to me staying up later, at least the first while. I had to see what had downloaded, and listen to it, and then I got lost reading the past...

Still, I was in bed by 11:30.. the rest of the night was sleeplessness. It didn't help that the guy upstairs was playing bits of Fur Elise over and over, screwing up constantly and experimenting with the sounds on his synthesizer. I think he was drunk again but I could just be imagining. I ended up grabbing my guitar and playing it while laying on my back in bed. I think I have the foundations for my first little composition now. I need to learn the names of the chords and notes.

The spanish music thing last night is not to be understated. I did a Google search for Alirio Diaz because I love the song 'Remembranza' so much. I found out that the not only is the guy still alive, but he's released something like 20 recordings! I was soooooo tempted to buy "Masterpieces of the Spanish Guitar" online last night. It would have been so easy, there's still plenty of credit on my Visa for that. I guess it's a sign of my new self that I had the restraint. I normally would have done it anyway, regardless of the situation, but I've learned some much-needed humility the last few weeks and it's helping a lot.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot.. yesterday I slept in pretty late, about 8:30 or so. I really can't remember what took me so long to get to work, but .... oh yeah I wrote the mother of all diary entries, for one thing. I think it was like 11:30 when I finally finished that. It didn't help that I had laid in bed for an hour or so. It's so easy for the old habits to come creeping back. Need to nail them like snakes as soon as I see them. I did good last night to try to go to sleep asap even though I felt wide awake and wanted to stay up. It's not so much in the execution as in the intent that I have to stay faithful to myself.

So I got to work around 12:00. I made up my work goal as I was tying my shoes to go out the door. The fact that I achieved my goal and that it took about as long as I was willing to spend at work that day reinforced my opinion that thinking of what I should do that day at the office ahead of time (ie in the shower or whenever before I leave) is not a good idea. Living in the now.. I'm going to have to tattoo it to my forehead. And carry a mirror everywhere. Better have it tattooed backwards. : P

But work rocked! Really, as much as I hated being there on a weekend, I sat at the computer and programmed my ass off straight through the undesire to work. I felt like one of those ships that breaks through the ice in northern oceans, slowly steadily plowing ahead against unnatural resistance. My goal had been to have the seed app download a manifest file, then download each of the files within that file. Under my breath I had muttered to myself "with progress indication" but I really didn't want to consider that necessary to achieve my goal cause I was worried it was too much work. Well, I did all those things and then some. I'm glad because there's still a lot of work, but I really did achieve a lot in the last week and I can be proud to present what I've done come tuesday.

Hmm.. it doesn't feel like monday. That means Friday will be here one day early :o)

So work went well. When I got home from work, the day was heading towards "over" seeing as it was 5:00. I ate the second sandwich I had brought to the office. No wonder my pot belly has disappeared already, all I ate yesterday was a bowl of cereal and two sandwiches. I still haven't touched breakfast either.. I just *really* don't need that much food. I got in touch with Jamie online (after checking and seeing Michelle wasn't.. sigh) and we talked about going out to Ron's. Oh! I almost forgot.. weird.

I made a quick decision yesterday that I hope turns out well. Mark from badminton called and boy was he surprised at my answer of "how's your summer going?" After I explained that Michelle was gone but that I was feeling better day by day, we finally got around to why he called: he wanted a place to stay for the rest of September while he looked for a job and a new place. I agreed right away. I've always thought I could judge character very well, and I do feel like I'm not making a colossal screwup by inviting him into my home. I mean, he's a friend in need and I have the room and could use the company. But still, I'm not sure if it's right under my rental agreement, I'm not sure if he'll really be leaving at the end of september, and I'm not sure how he's going to treat my house since I'm gone all day. Lastly, I don't know where I'm going to put all the stuff that's in the spare room. I guess I can put most of it back in storage.. but he'd better bring a bed because I have nothing like that. Although if he doesn't, I can tell him he can patch up the air mattress and sleep on that :o) That way he could earn his keep at least a little. Hehehe. Oh.. the other thing I'm sort of worried about is that my schedule is very unusual. Not too many people my age go to bed at 10:00 and wake up at 6:30. I'm going to have to ask him to either go to bed at 10:00 or be extremely quiet. I mean, I've lived in a house with 6 other people, I've lived in university residence and university dorms, I know what it's like to not have silence and peace and not be able to get a good night's sleep night after night, but this is my place and he'll be staying on my sufferance so I don't want my routine to be disturbed. I don't think I could afford it at this point in my recovery.

Well, there, I let out some thoughts about Mark and the immediate future. Honestly I think it will be a good thing to have someone to talk to. I'm still wondering how we're going to manage splitting food and how I'm going to get him a key. Funny that I never bothered about locking the door before but now it's a priority.

Oh yeah and Mark and I are going to play tennis this week so that's another plus to look forward to : )

Jamie, Stuart and Mark. Not to mention all the people at the meetings I'm becoming friends with. Strange indeed how quickly I get the things I want when I'm willing and looking.

So back to Jamie and I going to Ron's.. we had talked about it on MSN but by then I looked again and what do you know??? Michelle is online. So I told Jamie that I would go to Ron's in a little while because Michelle was online and I wanted to talk to her. I figured the time was right to try to achieve a goal I had written down a few days earlier: "Have one successful conversation with Michelle. No mention of getting back together. No mention of what happened. No mention of relationship. Completely grounded in the new reality." So I initiated a chat, asked her how work was, mentioned I didn't have my library card and did she have it? And just basically talked to her about little things to put her at ease.

It totally worked. We had a fantastic conversation. It wasn't anything we discussed, but the fact that the two of us were occupied in talking to the person who's most important in our lives - but that we're least sure of how to deal with - and that we honestly enjoyed the chat. I felt absolutely grand! I suddenly understood that she wasn't rushing off to be with anyone else, she was just working through every day, one day at a time, just like me. I think I got a bit too much hope from it, but at least I don't have the feeling that Michelle's decisions are guillotine blades hanging over my outstretched neck. I now feel that she is as lost as me and that I can have more successful conversations with her, and that she wants (and needs) to talk to me too, just to know how things are going and to have a good friend to talk to. I mean really, aside from Jodie, I'm the only person outside her family that she feels so comfortable with. I think I succeeded in granting her a modicum of the comfort she used to have with me. She doesn't have to feel that talking to me will mean having anguished conversations about things she's not ready to talk about yet, conversations that she doesn't know how to end but that she wishes were over. I don't want to do that to her.

My plan is succeeding. Be her friend, stay in touch, and when the time comes, there will be room for the love to grow if it's meant to be. I will be going to see her. Either the coming weekend or the weekend after. It is imperative that I repeat the performance of giving her comfort when I see her. Her first face to face meeting with me cannot result in her feeling more confused about things afterwards than she was before. She has to feel that seeing me is a positive thing. It's like making a first impression all over again.

I'm quite sure I'm going to screw up, at least a little. But again, intent is more important than execution. I definitely intend to openly tell her some things that I really don't think she knows, clear up exactly what I'm doing and how I feel so she knows where I stand, and then just being with her as a friend and someone who wants to spend time with her.

That and I can't wait to see Kris :) I really really can't wait. I hope I don't break down and cry.. I think it'll make things akward.. but we'll see. I mean, I wouldn't exactly blame myself. At least I don't feel like a meeting in a week or two will be too soon. Amazing, as it hasn't even been a month since The Event. The last two weeks have seemed like an eternity, but when I looked back on them yesterday night I seemed so childish, so unseeing of the present and future. I could hardly believe how rushed I was in the first conversations we had. I'm 26 and I'm barely mature enough to have caught myself and started to be just her friend like she needs me to be by the 5th conversation. I just have to be glad that things are working so well in my mind now. There is a chance for a happy future together.

Hmm. don't know what else to write about yesterday. Ron's was fun.. I have to get back there and play pinball more often. Maybe once a week is good.

Blah.. time to go eat and clean up the rest of the mess I made. I should organize that room a bit too, and vacuum mine. Oh and I have laundry to do. At least I'm not dreading the work I have to do today, it's more like I'm thinking of it as something to accomplish and then be proud of, knowing it won't take much effort. And it won't, really, I just have to keep a good intention. And with that gem, I'm off.

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