2002-09-08 - 10:16 a.m.

Dear Diary,

:o( I am sad.

It is over between me and Michelle. I would very much like to write "at least for now" or something like that to leave a slim chance for the future, but if I'm really going to be the person I want to be and do the right thing, I have to really start listening to people. Michelle said she made a promise to herself never to go back to anyone that hit her, and that is that.

I am not Kris's daddy any more.

None of it has really sunk in yet. I mean I'm not crying right now so that's a sign.

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. I slept in until what felt like the middle of the day, but when I looked at the clock after my shower it was only 9:30. That just drove the change home.. I really am a different person today.

I am still debating about badminton tonight. Last night I didn't want to go. This morning when I first woke up I thought I really should. After my shower I left my badminton shorts out as a reminder to go tonight, but I'm still going to have to get over my lethargy when the time comes.

Today I should go grocery shopping.

I'm not myself.

Mark is talking to me. I really don't feel like talking. But.. whatever.. I don't know what the best thing is to do any more.

At least now I'll be able to talk to Niki and really understand her point of view.. well at least in a year I will. At least in some ways, like having lost the person that you want more than anything and not being strong enough to stop thinking about them inside. At least I can learn from her, I hope, that I really don't want to still be thinking about it like this in a year. I know a year would be way too short of a time for me to forget about Michelle or find feelings for someone else, but in a year my goal is to be in Ottawa and then I can start my life over from scratch.

One of the worst parts is that I told Kris I would be back in a few weeks. I know from experience that a 3 year old won't remember me and didn't even understand the concept of a week. I also know that she won't miss me or wonder where I am. The same thing happened to me when I was 3. I also know that when she is older, there will come a day when she will cry for something she had forgotten that she had lost.

I told Michelle I couldn't go and visit.. I couldn't be around her just as a friend.. she understood. Too well. It's my weakness and I wish I could say that would change. The answer is I really don't know. On the car ride home last night I imagined writing her an email: "Dear Michlle, ".. later in the drive, the email changed to start "Hi Michelle, I made it home safe. I'm sorry I acted like an ass. I'm not going to take you off my MSN list and I want to try and still be friends. I forgot to get my library card back, please mail it once you get a PO box". As I analyzed the email in my mind, I accepted the fact that telling her I made it home safe was a good excuse for writing her the email and that it didn't need to be said anyway. I want to say right now that it wouldn't matter because I wasn't coming back anyway but that's stupid and childish. I'm still not decided about the friendship thing. I mean, really, I don't know what good it would do to go visit Kris. I want to see her, but it would be like flogging a dead horse.. there is no future in our relationship. I've already been a good influence on her and she on me, but I fucked all that up.

And about the library card... well.. honestly a new one costs $5, and I'm not planning on going to the library any time soon anyway. If and when Michelle finds it and decides to send it, that'll be that. I wonder if she'll take me off her MSN list. I think so.

I wonder if she'll remember the address to this diary. That was something I forgot was in the imaginary email. I don't think she's interested. What would be the point of knowing how I am doing when it would just be reminding her of a lost loved one?

Already last night and this morning I was going back through our conversation in my mind, thinking of how better to convince her. My goals to avoid depression can now be shortened to only two points: 1. don't have imaginary conversations. and 2. accept what people tell you as the truth. That second one is going to take me a long long time to get a hold of, and when I get to that point I'll probably be ready to move on and keep living. I wonder how long it will take.

I guess I'll go finish packing up the things that Michelle left behind.

In retrospect it was dumb to leave up the picture of us together. It was dumb to keep pictures of Kris around. It was dumb to keep some of her bath toys where Michelle had left them (by accident it turns out).

But at the time, I was just clinging to the last scraps of something I thought might grow again.

Shit. The next time anything grows in that soil, it will be on the other side of the wall. It would be best if I didn't try to peek over the top to see how that garden is doing because I know I would just want to join it.

I have my own side of the wall. And that is where I have to put my attention lest I get overgrown with weeds. I think that's what's happened to me in the past when this kind of thing happened. So at least I can learn from my mistakes.

Good bye, Michelle.

Good bye, Kris.

I love you both.

but I know she would be at least a little more sad if I had swerved into that transport truck.

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