2003-12-10 - 12:20 p.m.

I've been having the strangest feelings the last few days. Sometimes I feel as if I'm seeing my life more clearly and that most of the time I don't really see it at all. This morning, just after I woke up for the last time, I had a moment like that. The sun was coming in the window, shining against the curtain, and it made me imagine what the spring would be like in Flin Flon. Imagining the spring made me picture myself in the future and ask myself what things would be like next season. Pondering that made me realize I'm not really planning anything specifically, and I haven't been for as long as I can remember. The analogy that popped into my head at the time was that I felt like a passenger in a car with my eyes barely open, and that up till then I'd had them completely closed.

I feel as though, in the long term, I've never really attempted to direct my life. I've had vague goals like going to university, leaving Thunder Bay, umm.. there must be others. )phone rang.. yes, I'm on my way right after this diary entry(

But I can't think of any others right now. I've lived my life with a strong sense of what's happening immediately around me, of what I want to do this hour, perhaps this day, and maybe the next. But I've just drifted along in the bigger picture river.

Luckily for me, I've mostly been very happy with the outcomes. My time in Thunder Bay, working as a web programer and later a C++ programmer, was very fullfilling in the career sense. It makes me wonder why I haven't more agressively pursued a similar job in the aftermath. Now, I'm blaming myself for not thinking and planning ahead. For not seeking to influence where I'm going to end up. I think there is something fundamentally lacking in my character, some mental nugget of wisdom or habit that most people possess intrinsically, some part of their being that raises their futureselves' eyes up above their trudging feet and glances around at the 5 year horizon level.

Oddly enough, I think I just hit on what's made me think this way recently. I just got involved in constructing mechanisms in the sodaconstructor. (Hmm, I so seldom use links). As usual, I got very excited about this new thing, (-mental note, have to leave soon to bring Alex to bus. time slips so quickly-) and got a lot of great ideas about models to build. I read a lot of tutorials and tips about how to use the constructor, browsed through tons of forum entries to get examples and ideas, and then set to work. At first, I technically knew I should be taking my time to carefully put my models together but I just didn't want to spend the time to do it 'right'. I figured I could just throw my ideas down in a rough, irregular format, and watch them come to life, then go back and remake the model rigorously if I wanted.

Well, no. That's not the way it works. If you want some idea of yours to amount to something, you need to think about it and think about it and rethink it before starting work, then make a solid plan, then follow the plan meticulously to completion. My first model that's capable of moving from one end of the constructor to the other, although it doesn't move exactly like I wished, is the result of me taking the time (and believe me, it's a pain) to zip together the right supports properly, using somewhat advanced techniques like zip gaps and guidelines. Of course, after the first one you'd think I'd have learned my lesson, wouldn't you? Well, the same day, when I got to my apartment, I was at it again, trying to build unplanned, by the seat of my pants, so I could get it done more quickly.

It's all relative. Not taking the time to plan out and execute my great ideas means that these ideas stagnate halfway to completion, veer off track and become less of an achievement, or once completely collapse into an irregular lump of crap. Mostly the former of the three, and mostly not even halfway. Ok, so I'm being pessimistic and harsh on myself, but it's true.

Yes, now I have to go. A very constructive entry I believe. One to ponder anyway.

Toodles.

ps - dec 11 - how did I forget to post this?? weird oh yeah I was in a hurry to go home to bring Alex to the bus :) Worth having it in late ;) .. let's see, I'll just fudge the date and time :P

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