2003-02-15 - 10:29 p.m.

Just a quickie...

I thought several time today of writing an entry. It almost didn't happen. Didn't write one yesterday. I'm upset with myself for losing the urgency of purpose that used to drive me to make sure I wrote every day.

It really isn't that big of a deal if I forget to write a diary entry each day. That's not the point. The point is that I need to be able to depend on myself to do the things I say I'll do. Unfortunately, too often I exhibit the same pattern: I start out fervently keeping my promises to myself and overachieving on my goals, then I settle into a routine, then something disturbs my routine, or I just get jaded by it, and I lose that drive, that focus. Over time, it seems to matter less and less.

What does this mean for my decision never to drink again? I can't really believe that it could ever suffer or have less urgency that in does to me now, but couldn't it go the way of my previous urgency to write a daily diary entry? I can't deny that it doesn't possess me nearly as strongly as it did the day after I hit Michelle. But then again, that's natural. At that time, my whole world had fallen apart and all I had left was the strength of my conviction to turn things around and fix my problems. Now that I appear to be doing that, I've lost the sense that I need to focus every waking moment on getting better.

Anyhow, at another level I'm still quite satisfied. The reason being that in the past, I would keep something up and then when the routine broke, it would break off suddenly and completely. These days, I miss a day or two in my entries (have I even missed two days straight yet? Don't think so...) but that doesn't mean I'll forget about it completely. I doubt that I could just go a week without writing and not even think about it. Scary to think that I used to be just that way.

Anyhow, a day at a time... Today I am quite happy with myself for reading my business book and spending some time thinking about the fundamentals of the business I want to start and what will make it successful. I also spent some time talking to friends and with my family. Most importantly, though, I'm getting to bed by 11:00.

The vacation is over. I had a lot of fun and I feel extremely well rested. Actually, I think I've gone over the line into where I feel less well rested because I've gotten too much rest. Like when you sleep in super late but you're still tired. So anyway, bed by 11:00. That is my goal today and it will be tomorrow as well.

Of all the things I've meant to do in the past years, getting to bed on time has been my most consistent goal, and yet the one I've succeeded the least in. I was doing very well at it for a while and that's when I was happiest with myself and even, I believe, happiest period.

It would be nice to catch some sunrises again :)

The problem is, this house throws off my rhythm. It's hard to sleep when someone's watching TV outside my room or running on a treadmill at midnight. I need to figure something out. I either need to get earplugs or sleep elsewhere or talk it over and figure out a solution. It's really affecting me negatively and needs to be dealt with. It's not a big deal, just something I haven't take care of. Like getting a haircut ;) Actually, I did that heh.

Tomorrow.. up at 8:00. Shave. Do some programming. Help Amanda celebrate being 9 :)

Oh.. and write a diary entry :) heh. Those are my goals.

Toodles

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