2003-02-26 - 1:29 p.m.

I'm at Niki's. Chloe is half-asleep on the futon. She is such a cutie :) Her ears perked a bit when I clicked my mouse and her eyes stirred when the sound played for the new window animation, but now the gentle tap tap of my typing is putting her back to sleep. I bet it sounds familiar and soothing.

Last night I moved some stuff here and set up the computer (surprise surprise) right away. Because the fridge is so loud, I left the computer running all night and set up a winamp playlist to play some thunderstorms and ocean surf on repeat. It's been going almost 12 hours now... I just forgot to turn it off I guess.

I slept well and woke up at the crack of 9:30. I've had a good day so far.. ate, made the bed, went out to pay my parking ticket, and went shopping for some groceries. The parking ticket place actually had a drive-through. I was impressed. Only works if you have cash though, which I did, so hey. But still, a parking ticket drive-through.

Oh, sorry. That would be "drive-thru" because we're half-American, dontcha know? And I bought some "donuts" at the grocery store. Ah well, at least I still have "grey" and "favourite". Sometimes I think that's all that makes me Canadian.

Well, the lady that was coming in with her family held the door open for me as I left the store (I had stood aside and waited for them to come in too). We're all so polite to each other, mostly. I'm happy with it anyway. I also know that that's not only a Canadian thing, but it's something we do have.

Time to change into something more comfortable.

Poor Chloe is so bored. She exhudes boredom. Boredom flies out of her pores like a smothering mist off lake Superior, enveloping the countryside in a deep haze. I mean, the slightest unusual noise or action will get her complete attention, at least enough to get her to raise her head up off her paws. She watches me change my pants not because she's curious about what I'm doing but because she's so bored than anything besides just laying there half-asleep is fun.

I'm sympathizing with her so much because that's how I feel half the time. But the thing is, I'm not bored. Or at least I don't think I am. I don't understand.

I will lay there in the morning, undesiring of motion. I know undesiring sounds like a strange choice of words, but really I think it fits. The process usually goes like this:

-hear some noise

-become aware of being awake

-place noise, listen

-guess what the time is

-roll over

-sense tiredness level

-decide to sleep more

I may or may not fall asleep, and if I do, the same process repeats. After a while, though, I will fail to fall asleep and the process continues thus:

-realize I haven't fallen asleep for some time and that I'm thinking of something or other

-consider getting up

-begin process of telling muscles to move

-consider whether I really want to get up

-realize I'm not up

-try to remember if there's anything I really have to do, or something that I want to do

-roll over

Funny, it's harder than I thought it would be to remember the process. I know it's pretty much the same all the time because I wake up a few hours before I get out of bed usually. Normally the thing preventing me from getting up .. no, wait, nothing prevents me from getting up, it's rather a lack of stimulus or of anything to look forward to, combined with a feeling of lethargy, that I just need a bit more sleep.

The thing is, it gets to a point where I know I won't be able to sleep, but I still want to lay there. It's less work than getting up.

What eventually makes me decide to get up is usually

-a feeling of guilt because of what time it is

-the approach of some deadline

-the thought of something interesting that I could do if I got up

For a while, it was the third thought that was getting me out of bed, and the interesting thing I thought of doing was having a glass of orange juice and writing a diary entry. Obviously I no longer write a diary entry first thing.

Hmmmmmm there is a plan. Why don't I make it a goal to do a diary entry first thing when I wake up every day that I'm here? That could be good.

I was thinking about it earlier, thinking of what goals I should make for my time here at Niki's, away from the chaos of a full household. I decided against what I usually would have chosen, something like "20 pages of program desciption" or "an openGL terrain editor" or something concrete like that. I decided for something easier and probably more productive, like "simplify". Yes, I'd like to try to do less types of things while I'm here.

A thought I had lately is that I've been forgetting to do a lot of the things I've wanted to do that required some free time before they would cross my mind. (bad sentence structure). Ie call Tanis and mail that mug to Pam. What happens is that I stay busy flitting from activity to activity and have no time in between where I check my internal memory banks for things I was supposed to do and haven't done yet.

Hmm, that's not even true. I know there have been times where I just walked into my room with no plan and wondered what I should do with myself. Usually I turned on the computer and got lost in that world. Check email, check who's online, play some game.

It's useful to keep a positive focus, a positive running commentary. Instead of saying "I did that wrong" and "I forgot to do that, just like I figured I would", I need to hear myself think "Ok, I know not to do that again" and "When will be the next time I can do this thing I know I have to do?". Just like keys to drawing...

Ok, enough rambles. This was useful, though. If only the damn fridge wasn't so loud. Oh well.

Toodles

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