2003-07-30 - 12:49 a.m.

I just read the early correspondence between me and Mich for the first time since it was written. Weird. I relived so many moments. Didn't cry. That's weird in a way, but more reassuring than anything. I really did get out of the ultra needfulness very early on. There were some aftershocks, but I don't feel like I need my old family anymore. It's just a quiet, deep missing.

Today was a good day. I was up bright and early, before 8 without an alarm. I sat along a newly discovered bit of southern Essex wetland listening to flies wake up and take off for the first time, watching fish browse a dozen feet offshore and listening to the various birds in the area calling out territory.

The birds have warnings for a human presence, you know. I figured that out on the four wheeler in Quebec when I heard the same bird call when I drove by the entrance to an old logging rode that I went up at the top of a hill.

The horses react to your presence too. There's one particular farm where I'm greeted by a stomped hoof every time I pass.

I biked around for a long time today, going out three times. I guess I covered about 50 kilometers. Enough, anyway. I'm just happy to be outside.

I've added a nose-bridge-burn to my farmer's tan and sandle tan skin coloring collection.

I'm calm and de-stressed but I realize it's only because I'm still at the tail end of my vacation.

I've started to feel the panic of needing to change. It takes me a while.

I was thinking today. How I'm an idiot savant. I have an amazing photographic memory, the ability to recall 20 digit intercap alphanum combinations after seeing them only once, yet blunder hugely in judging cause and effect of my own actions. It's like my brain leans almost completely on the logical side, figuring everything and examining everything but not often stopping to consider the emotional goings-on in a situation. I'm not connected enough to most people for that.

That's one of the things that was pretty glaring in the talks I had with Michelle. She would say something and I would space on the meaning of it and ask her a question that she had basically just told me the answer to.

Wow. I'm listening to what I recorded tonight and it's really just noise. At least that part, I mean. Sometimes I run out of energy to play and just screw around on the fretboard to see what happens. I'm not afraid to sound incredibly bad and stupid at times, because I know the rewarding awakening of creativity will be worth it.

Guitar playing rocks :o) I haven't missed more than a day a week since I can remember. Probably since last August.

On the historic goal note, I think I've seen a bit of the woods I've entered in the no-drinking-ever-again journey, and I passed some important early hurdles like being surrounded by people drinking, being repeatedly offered drinks by people who didn't know I'm an alcoholic, passing liquor stores and bars and everyone's favourite, being given a food with alcohol in it and told that it wasn't enough to make me feel anything. Would you believe I actually continued eating it after I found out? It didn't taste all that good, but I didn't want to hurt the hostesses' feelings.

Actually now that I think about that one more carefully, we actually discussed it beforehand and agreed that flambe-ing the bananas burned off most of what little alcohol was there anyway.

It's kind of funny. I remember someone bringing up this subject at a meeting and when he told us that he'd continued to eat the soup, (Soup, of all things.. sheesh), we all just kind of glanced inwardly and compared that behaviour with what we'd expected him to say and he just kept talking without a hitch. It's not a situation that has a right or wrong behaviour, it's the mental state we had going through the experience that's important.

I'm glad to report no desire to drink. No secret ones, either ;o) No, the "lest I forget" phrase is serving it's purpose in multiple ways now.

Cool.. the rambling I recorded just picked up a bit. Sometimes I stumble across cool stuff by accident. Music, they call it.

I think I've said enough for a night. It's late. I guess after taking in so much I needed to let out some to equalize. I've been taking in a lot of the world lately. Drinking it. Chugging it because I know the work-free stress-free responsibility-free days are coming to an end.

Night.

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