2003-03-14 - 3:12 p.m.

Ah.

I've reached a point.

I just .. not figured something out.. but realized it.

The sadness I feel about my past relationship is no longer what it used to be.. it's no longer attached specifically to the person who left me, because I no longer want her back. The sadness I feel now is a dislocation, a sprain, a broken bone mending. I guess what's changed is that I'm still sad about the loss of the past, but I'm no longer sad about the loss of the future.

I'm remembering now the thoughts that I wanted to record in my diary this morning, while standing in the shower. I was suddenly reminded of a dream I'd had recently, maybe two nights ago. I don't remember the details.. I think, though, that somehow I was dying, or the 'crowd' I was in were all about to die due to some catastrophe.. like being on a sinking ship together, but not that precisely. I remember reaching out a hand to someone nearby (and now remember that it didn't quite reach her) and saying "I love you, Michelle", thinking as I said it that it was the wrong thing to be saying because I'm not supposed to love her any more. I remember thinking though that if I died that moment (and indeed, in the dream I felt that I was living my last moment), that that would be what I would use the last breath in my body to accomplish.. that simple communication of feeling. Well, that was two things. For one, it was a reaffirmation of my unconditional love. For all that Michelle has said and done to me (partly, I think, to make me hate her), I still love her.

The second thing it was though was a catharsis. Somehow I understood that I was freeing myself, that I was accepting the fact and dying a partial death so that the rest of me could live on. I think a part of me finally gave in at that moment and ended the waiting.

Hence my feeling now that the pain is disassociated from any person and just a self-related "I feel the aloneness" pain. So.. this is good. I'm on the mend. Given a little more time, I will love again. Again.

It's interesting to note that I'm getting more efficient at moving on. Although this recent breakup set a new record for sheer size of wall to be climbed to get past it, I spent a lot less time jumping back down from the height I'd climbed to beg on my knees for the wall to be parted from within. I'm reminded of my long, drawn-out breakup with Pam. I kept seeing her and wanting her back again and again even though it was already over, even though she already had a new love. What reminded me was this poem that I wrote at the time, winter of 1989 I think:

miniature goodbyes

----------------------------

every time we meet, there's a miniature Goodbye,

like M&Ms with blood inside,

or chocolate-covered cyanide.

It's telling that there is a shared lesson with alcoholic recovery here. Many times in AA, I heard it mentioned that alcoholics continually go back to the same old behaviour, expecting some miraculous change in the outcome this time around. "Miniature goodbyes" was my expression of frustration about exactly that concept. Every time I saw Pam, I was hoping for a different outcome, hoping that she would love me again, that she would give some signal that we were to be together forever after all. And every time, I was let down by my own unrealistic expectations.

The lesson I've learned now is that I had the imagery wrong. It wasn't her offering me candy with a nasty surprise inside, it was me imagining candy where there was none, and getting a nasty surprise at finding the wrong reality going on, one that I hadn't expected or approved of.

Wow.. I went upstairs to make more tea about 30 minutes ago :P I had a neat talk with my mom though and it was quite interesting. We talked about the kids not wanting to get to their work and how she stands over them and prods them every few minutes, and how they're not learning to get their work done on their own. I wanted to talk about it because I see the same behaviour in the kids as I do in myself, and I know they aren't going to learn to behave any differently until they get some practice at deciding for themselves that work is the best thing to do at the moment instead of something that needs to be done because someone is expecting it of you.

Bleah... my thoughts are muddled and I need to get back to work. I took an hour long break after about 10 minutes of work hahaha. Anyway, back to .. hmm.. I thought "back to the grind" but cancelled that. It's actually quite interesting. I'm working on making my app automatically update itself and that is pretty cool. So.. bye for now.

previous - next