2003-10-18 - 2:07 p.m.

Wow... which of the thoughts...

I'm having the hardest time remembering what I'd thought of for a title even though it was only a few hours ago. It was something like "the successful high-intensity household". Yeah, that's it. I was doing the dishes, caught up in my own inner thoughts, music blasting, other half gone on an errand to collect the kids.. just basically at my most happy.

ok and then the other half of the equation

lol ticka ticka ticka we type away, side by side, interfacing with the machines

but what I was just thinking, yes, the tension. It is there. It is surprising. It is familiar. It is beneath me and yet enveloping me. I am stronger than it. It can't invade my inner peace, that's for sure, and that's what I think is different. If I had to come up with an exact description, I would say that I've learned to stand on my own two feet, to be an adult, to need only myself at that most basic level. Before, I depended too much on others. This led to co-dependence. Now I am in the kind of relationship that would be codependent except that we are both strong enough to stand on our own two feet. It feels like tides washing around me.. my feet most of the time on solid ground but sometimes lost in the depths. The feeling of security never leaves though.. I guess a good analogy is a trusted old seaworthy vessel.. a sturdy ship that a captain trusts and that has been through many many storms and that you know will get you through. The deck can heave and the plates can slide off the dinner table onto the floor, but you know you'll make it back to port, that you're safer here than anywhere, in the haven.

Hmmm.. that was intense. I just feel intensely about it. It is half self-discovery and half self-evaluation. Funny thing is I am no longer just my self.. I am inextricably bound to another. I am learning to know the self I have become now that I am no longer just one. Funny how is goes from one to three. And fractional quantities in between.

And then thinking gets too exhausting. Then you just relax, let go, realize that you're doing the right thing, working in the right direction, living life the way it should be lived, with enough effort and yet taking enough time to relax.

I'm not writing about what I did today. I did the dishes. I phoned my old landlady. I talked to my new landlady. I did a lot of big things.. big tasks.. stuff I'm very proud of.

I'm in love with Saara.. extreme happiness love

wow.. wow! great news.. Saara just got a wonderful surprise :) I love sharing excitement.. knowing immediately what is happening in her life and that is so important to me. She just got some money that she wasn't sure she was going to get it's a wonderful relief. And haha.. we love each other so much.. she said "and I'm not going to buy a guitar or a dvd player" .. no, she's paying off a lingering hydro bill :D exactly how I would be.. I love it. She is going for the greatest happiness in the long run, and that is her immediate gratification.. knowing that she's doing so well for herself. How could I not feel so strongly about someone who shares my ideals and works so hard to be the person she knows she wants to be. Awesome.

Ok, this entry accurately captures the continued rollercoaster ride. :D The joys, the woes, the tension and relief. The love. Jebus. What a wonderful world.

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