2004-12-16 - 3:57 a.m.

Life is about the amazingness of being alive. You can experience a lot of neat things. Today it was crows wheeling in the sky, sending out these rippling guttural warbles that meshed inconspicuously with the sounds of playing children. Sweeping against a snowy valley backdrop crested by jutting, bare, volcanic outcrops, knifing through a light drifting snowfall, they epitomized to me the beauty of the day of of my time here in Flin Flon. They captured for me the sentiment that life on this planet spreads its beauty to every available corner.

I had another priceless moment today. It's been one of those kinds of days. I drove the bunch to pick up a forgotten backpack at school and stayed in the car with the youngest since he was sleepy after an afternoon sliding party. I turned on the radio, leaned back in my seat, and listened as a good song started. I fiddled with the controls of the radio to get the best, richest sound, thinking while I did it that I was planting little seeds of love for music in the half-asleep kid's brain.

As the song unfolded, I was swept away by the melody, the beautiful pauses, constructions, swellings and swayings of the song. Music for me has always been the key to my emotions, usually kept tightly lidded, but clamoring for recognition when my mind is distracted and swept along by a song. I started thinking of how much I love this kid and how much I've grown from the chance to touch his life in a positive way. I thought back to the sliding party and how I'd tugged him up the hill, his tiny mitten lost in my hand, trustingly trudging up, right to the top of course, cause that's where I'd want to go. I started thinking that a painting of that hand, from my point of view looking down and back to make sure he was coming along alright, would perfectly capture how I felt at the moment.

It was one of those good cries, the kind where warm tears roll fat down your cheeks and you feel .. like the pain is just running out of you, squeezed out, while you calmly accept what is that is hurting you as ok, as the way things are, not your fault, and that you'll be ok.

...

So, tonight was a great night for guitar, too. I was playing around on the kid's ukelele again, this time adding some variations to pretty much the only song I play on it. It seems like when I play it, it's not complex enough, not rich enough, and my mind fabricates these extensions to the musical line, these jewelled encrustings of ornamentation and elegant supportive vibrancies. It was one of those times were I was recurringly surprised at how well the things I was trying were working out, fitting together, adding to the value of the song instead of interfering with its structure and simplicity, or taking away from being overbearing.

I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't picked up the guitar.. that's not even the right expression for what happened, fallen in love with the guitar is better. It just seemed to happen naturally given the situation I was in when I started playing it every day, but the fact that I haven't stopped still astounds me, to be honest. It's been the constant in my life since Michelle, that voice in the night that soothes me with tenderness when I can't sleep, and that new voice I can use to express things I otherwise have no way of communicating.

It's really given me a lot of inner strength to have this new thing, this new arena of accomplishment to feel satisfied about. I can't put it any better way than that.

It's almost 4. I was thinking, laying awake, head buzzing, that making and eating so many luscious chocolate and peanut-butter chip cookies before bed isn't a good idea. I'm still a kid that way, unregulative of so many of my intakes and activities, mostly responsive, working at chores only when it become painfully necessary.

I think this is all something that will unravel as I age, like a flower showing its delicate structure and natural balance. I'm just happy to make it through.

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