2002-08-28 - 3:10 p.m.

dear diary,

today I had a long talk with Michelle about what the future might bring. It was a very hard talk for me. I think it was for her, too, but I really couldn't tell. She could have been talking to other people, or she could really have been spending that much time thinking about each reply.

At first, I talked way too much, and I think I came across as full of excuses. I know that's not the way I want to be. I want to be my own self, and instead of trying to convince someone of something, I want to let them come to want me for who I am.

And yet I think, "but this is a special case". Michelle might make her mind up to leave me for good unless I can convince her. I know what it is. I'm up against the fear of losing .. what? I don't have her, so how can I lose her? I'm really worried about losing the chance to be with her, but don't I see that being too convincing could do just that? If I really want to change, then I have to do it and not talk about it.

3 month goal

on November 28th, 2002, I want to:

-not have had a drink or smoked pot since today, August 28th, 2002

6 month goal

on February 28th, 2003, I want to:

-have $4,000 in my savings account

12 month goal

on August 28th, 2003, I want to:

-be living in Ottawa

These are my goals. The do not include Michelle, because I don't know for sure if she will be with me at the time. Up until 2 weeks ago, you couldn't have convinced me that we might ever be apart, but now I know just how little I can depend on things staying the way I expect them.

Surely I will end up with someone who I can love and be happy with. That is, if I keep up with these goals. Hopefully that person will be Michelle, but if not, then that is her choice and I have to respect it. I wish us both all the happiness in the world, but I can only worry about myself, or else I might lose myself. I have to be responsible for myself before I can be responsible for others, and I have to be responsible for myself before I can become who I want to be. And I have to become who I want to be before I can be happy.

I didn't make a goal about entering a diary entry each day. I can have any number of goals between now and August 28th, 2003, but as long as I stick with the 3 I mentioned above, I will be satisfied. It won't be as big a loss to not write every day as it will if I do have a drink, or if I don't save my money, or if I don't end up moving to a better town.

This diary is reserved for my future self, so I can see how I progress through becoming the person I want to be. I think the trick to this will be to take things one step at a time; to realize that tomorrow I will be my future self, and I will be looking pack upon today. If I follow through on my 3 goals today, and repeat the performance tomorrow, and keep it up, then I will read these diary entries on August 28th 2003 and realize that I made my goal happen. Then I will officially be the new me.

Thank you, Andrew, for diaryland, a safe place for me to keep my progress, and thank you, me, for dedicating myself to these goals.

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