2002-08-29 - 8:01 a.m.

Dear Diary,

well, last night I got quite a shock. When I got home I saw that my landlady had phoned. My last rent cheque bounced.

We talked for quite a while... I got the impression when I first met her that she liked me for some reason. Maybe she has a son my age somewhere, or wished she had, who knows? I don't know exactly why, but I blurted out that I had damaged a hotel. At first, I told her that I had just had to pay some people a lot of money, and when she asked why I said because I damaged a hotel. That got her asking some serious questions, and.. it was odd, rather than being put off, she instead became more interested, more animated, more curious what happened. I told her that I went to the states for a concert, got drunk, and .. broke a window and a mirror. I figured that was enough detail to let her know.

Then she asked me if I had a rinking account. She speaks with a very strong Finnish accent and even though I was around Finish people for a few years a while back, I had no idea.. I thought she maybe meant a circular loan or a line of credit, or something money related. It wasn't until she used the word "Alcoholic" that I understood her: "drinking problem". Yes, I said, I do.

She was very sympathetic. I she was saddened because I was so young and was doing so many stupid things. I told her that Michelle had moved out too. She asked me if the apartment was ok, from which I gathered that she was worried (rightly so) that Michelle had moved out because of my breaking things here. At least I had that good news for her, "No, the apartment is fine"

-break- wow.. I'm really going on about this phone conversation. Well, it's educational to let myself do what I would naturally...

She also remembered that there was a little one. Yes, Michelle's daughter who I wanted to adopt. Annnnyway, I worked out a plan to give her the rent when I got paid, even though at the moment I had some doubts I would actually have enough money at the time.

So then I started investigating my bank account. I went so far as to hand-write the banking details of each month back until April. I started with August, but then I realized I needed to know about how much the phone bill would be next month, and I also wanted to know how often the hydro bill came in and how much that was, so I kept going back and back until April.

It was extremely sad going through those banking details. Every time I had to write "LCBO" or "beer store" I winced a bit. Same goes for withdrawals of $80 or $60, sometimes two days in a row. Those would be for pot. Then there were all the records of Michelle buying cigarettes. Something she wanted to quit and that I had a strong dislike for, but that I drove her to, I'm sure. It seemed like I was reading a record of my failures. There were two instances of going into overdraft, too.. just an all-around reminder that I really hadn't done what I said I would do: sit with Michelle and figure out our finances.

Well, now those "our finances" are "my finances" again and so far I'm doing really well with them. I think it comes from having all this extra time with no one to 'distract' me. And all I can think of is how I would want to have someone around to 'distract' me. Well.. I guess it's going to take me a while to settle in to a regular habit of taking care of my financial situation very carefully, so that when I get the chance to live with someone again I'll be ready.

The money thing with paying the rent later actually worked out.. just barely. My estimated expenses for the month of September are $2,925 and my pay will be $2,904. Luckily, I have $40 in my savings, an extra $100 in my bank account and $30 in cash that I got from selling all the pot I had the first day I got home.

I can't believe I've thought that I wished I kept some of it. I mean, not only would I be that much shorter on money, but then I'd be facing the whole quitting pot problem too on top of everything else. It's not like I would magically have been able to not smoke it except for friday nights or something. No, I would have gone to it right away and then 'needed' more. Sigh.. why then do I see it as if it would have been so easy? Well, I'm young yet.. I have a lot of my life ahead of me. I just feel that I should know better by now. Ok, time to read over "Rule to avoid depression #7 - Do have patience with yourself. You are not dumb/stupid/useless". Ok, I feel better because now the feeling that I should know better has to go off and fight the feeling that I shouldn't be too hard on myself. They're both valid feelings because I thought them over in the past. nyahaha. It helped to remind myself a few times of rule #6 too: "Do remind yourself that things will be ok."

After all the money wrangling, after I was satisfied that I would be able to make good to my landlady -- oh! I have to record something else to do with that. After I talked to her, before writing down all the monthly record stuff, I saw that I had $400 credit still left on my credit card and $510 in my account, and I made a decision that minute to rush to the bank, take out enough cash to pay the rent, then drive out to the landlady's house and give it to her. I even looked up her address in the phone book. I don't know exactly what presence of mind stopped me in my tracks... I think at some level I realized it would be colossally stupid to reduce my available cash to almost nil just over a matter of pride and/or a desire to please such a nice woman. I still had the plan in mind when I started writing all the monthly records out, but I changed my mind over time as I realized it was far better to wait and pay her on the day we had agreed because if anything *did* happen, she would be far more likely to be tolerant than would the bank or Thunder Bay hydro. Phew.

After all that, I fired up some french vanilla aromatherapy and poured a bath. I had barely sat down when the phone rang. At first I twitched to get up, but I settled back down because I decided I really shouldn't overestimate the importance of phone calls anymore. The answering machine fired up but then the person hung up right away. Ok, that was settled. But then they called back right away. So, mumbling curses, I got up, wrapped a towel around myself (it seemed like such a travesty at the time, getting the floor wet all over and stuff, but now seems like so obvious and inconsequential) and went to the phone. First of all, it was a private number so I *wouldn't* have been able to phone back, as I assumed when I let the phone ring. Second, it was someone who didn't know if they had the right number and probably didn't want to leave a message on the answering machine since they didn't know who it was. Actually, I think he might have, but it's a thing of the past so.. duh.. move on Carl.

It turned out to be Chris Mills, a name that was vaguely familiar, and as he explained and I put him at ease, we clicked. I had been to see this guy about a year earlier to set up a part of his ISP account to store digital photographs for use in selling eBay items. eBay needs you to provide a link to a static page, so you have to store the pictures yourself. Anyway, the last time I helped this guy, he paid me some cash and god could I ever use some of that! So I was all thrilled to hear from him and in fact I'm going there today at 5:30 to do whatever he would like to his computer system for whatever he's willing to pay. I even told him about my cheque bouncing and everything.. this is someone I've seen once. I need to remember to tell him that I'm not as strapped as all that, that I still have enough to get by, but the guy does work at a mill and make a lot of money, plus he has a house and says eBay is an easy money maker. Well, I don't know.. maybe I'll pick up some pointers from him, but I don't have a lot of stuff to sell. Anyway, the whole charging people for helping them thing is still weird after all this time, but it's necessary so I'm sure I'll fuddle my way through it.

Ok, back to my life. So I sat back in the tub and read some literature. It was really useful. I ended up mulling over the 12 steps and making sense of each of them in my own mind. It was very good and educational because I came to understand the nature of the steps so I could get past the religious language to what really mattered. I will be able to follow each step now because of this analysis, without having to think in terms of giving up control of my life to some mythical deity. That really isn't the point of giving up personal -- self -- control of my life. What a twisted concept.. I'd have to write more and I'm sure I will someday later anyway.

After that, I wrote down some facts to help me avoid pain. I think they are good enough to reproduce here:

1. Nothing you can say will change Michelle's min

2. Nothing you can say will make Michelle trust you

3. Michelle has left you.

4. Michelle is willing to see you again.

5. Michelle does not hate you.

6. Michelle is willing to talk to you.

7. Being Michelle's friend is the only way you might earn her trust.

8. Michelle is willing to be your friend.

I had thought of another one later, but those are a definite good start. I figured that by thinking through and recording some hard fact about my situation, I could stop myself from thinking unproductive thoughts and getting all stressed about things I can't change. I had really been clinging to this notion of "getting Michelle back" but that is just stupid. There is no way I would be able to "get her back". Getting something implies that you are doing the acting. There is nothing I am going to do (at least as a single action or plan) to get Michelle back. Michelle will come back if she chooses, and she's told me plainly that that's not likely. So.. duh.. quit thinking about it that way.

It's just that, the way my mind works, I would have thought about things that way anyway (and indeed I was) so I needed some reminding - from myself mind - about what is really going on. I feel like my thinking in these steps was influenced by analysis of the 12 steps mentioned earlier. I also think I caught on deeply to the concept that number 8 holds the key.. nothing I can do today, and no plan I could make today would equal Michelle being back in my life. The only possibility is just to live day by day, getting on with my life, and let Michelle make a choice that she would want to try again. Obviously, we have to stay in touch for that to happen, so I have to become her friend instead of her whiny ex-boyfriend who is bitching that he deserves another chance, or is clinging to something that isn't there anymore. I trust she will be relieved when I stop acting like a child. Oh yeah! I just remembered the last fact that I wanted to write (thought about it after)

9. I don't want to lose my best friend.

Hmm.. little bells are ringing.. warning bells. Michelle is in fact my best friend, but I doubt that feeling is reciprocated. You usually trust your best friend.. hmph. Well, I think I'll have to nix that thought after all. I personally don't want to lose Michelle's friendship, but I think I already have. nix nix nix. Shit. That's how devious my mind is, I try to infiltrate and negate even my own best efforts to be wise.

I went to bed fairly clear headed. I fought off a few attempts to think about what I would say in future situations, what I would say when I met Michelle.. etc. Sleep came pretty easily. Hopefully the same can happen tonight.

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