2002-08-30 - 7:55 a.m.

August 30, 2002

Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'.

I first loved Steve Miller Band when I was 3. My mom asked me if I wanted to hear a record to help me fall asleep and, although I didn't know the name of the band, I was able to describe the album cover of SMB's greatest hits well enough for her to recognize it. She didn't think she understood me right and asked me if I was sure because that was kind of fast music to be falling asleep to. I was sure, and I loved it :)

Anyway.. on to more depressing things. Well, not really, it's not all bad news, it's just that I'm so slowly recovering that it seems like it will never end. It's almost like I'm prepared to make a catalog of all the horrible feelings I had yesterday.. sigh.

Time to flip the sausages.

Yesterday my day was going well and I managed to get a lot of coding done before noon. Around then I checked my email and noticed an email from Michelle. I had emailed her telling her about the cheque bouncing and to let her know that she couldn't withdraw any money from the account for now. She wrote back saying that she had turned in her bank card at the bank and that the 20 she took out was for diapers. Anyway I wrote a reply real quick then decided to let it simmer and made myself a note to read it over in an hour. When the hour was up, I reread and did actually end up taking out a bunch of parts that I'm glad I took out. I think I'll have to stick to that idea. But for the next few hours, I was very down. I couldn't seem to get my mind out of its murky state, and I even wrote an entry in the throes of it just because I didn't know what else to do. I even went so far as to go into a dark, quiet room and sit on the floor and meditate. At first I thought that might work but it didn't. Well, try, try again.

The next thing about yesterday was that my progress on my project just isn't what I want it to be. I've been there every morning and I've been more dedicated at this point than any other time I've worked for the company, but the work seems to be coming SO SLOW! And yesterday, to top it off, the XML stuff I was expecting to be able to put in quick isn't working as advertised by the programmer who made it. It's not his fault, he needs some prodding to do more testing and he's new, but it just made me feel depressed that I wasn't going to meet my goal. I'll have to go in on the weekend and make this thing work, I just fear long hours coming up ahead.

Time to take out the sausages and put in some eggs.

I'm glad I never stopped praising and appreciating Michelle for her cooking efforts. I know just how much work it is to keep myself fed again. I think, if anything, the biggest hole in my life now that Michelle and Kris are gone is... well, hang on, maybe not. I was going to write that the task of having to look for someone to spend my life with had been filled, and now I'm a depressed and aging 26 year old who is single. But when I wrote Kris... I think the biggest hole in my life is that I'm missing two other parts of myself. I really had started being myself+Kris in a lot of ways, and myself+Michelle in a lot of ways. Now I'm just back to myself and that's not nearly enough.

So .. yesterday.. on to some good news! I had an appointment with Chris Mills to help him solve his eBay woes. About a year ago I had gone over there to help him set up a process where he could take a picture of something with his webcam, put it on his personal home page at his ISP, and then link to it from eBay. Problem is, he ran out of room on his personal space because.. get this.. he has 93 items up on eBay *at once*! I never would have thought. Anyway, he has 10MB of space and at first he was thinking he had other spaces he could use at his ISP because they offer a homepage alias service. Annnnyway I ended up fixing his dilemma by installing a program on his machine for him to convert the pictures that the camera was taking from ~100K to ~20K, giving him room for 500 pictures instead of 100. So when he becomes the biggest eBay ho, I'll have to go back to fix him up again ;)

Time to take the eggs out of the pan.

MMmm.. Sausages and eggs. A good fast breaker. No toast though, I ran out of bread this morning. Oh woe is me.

Anyway, Chris paid me handsomely for my task. He gave me $80! I really tried to refuse.. it seemed like way too much. I made the mistake of telling him all about my bounced cheque and stuff (no mention of Mich leaving me at first.. I did let it out at his place after but I don't think he realized it was all related) Anyway, he knew I was out of money and he'd been there, and he has a cozy job at a mill and makes money off eBay etc etc. Still, I always feel like I'm gyping (pp?) someone off when I take money for computer work.

The second good thing that happened.. Just as I was pulling up to Chris's on my bike, Stuart showed up at his front door saying hello. This was a surprise because I hadn't seen him in about a year. Something tells me... ahhhh yeah, now I figured it out. Chris had to ask him for my last name so he could look up my phone number. Stu must have asked Chris to tell him when I was coming over, and he must have watched for me. Very sneaky. It took me until today to figure it out too. The fact that Stu came over to Chris's while I was there at first didn't mean anything odd, but when he mentioned it was only his 2nd time in the house.. now I see that he was worried I would just leave without going over to his house. Wow.. He just told me he was "checking his mailbox." I'll have to remember that line ;)

So I met Stuart in the front yard and we talked. I told him my bad news right away. He was shocked that I hit Michelle and even more shocked that she moved out. He offered to take me out for a pint, which I had to refuse, so he changed the offer to coffee and I was delighted. After Chris's we loaded my bike into his car and ended up going to play pool. It was fun.. and although I hadn't played pool in about a year (I think?) I still hadn't lost my touch. I tried not to try but even then I won all but 1 game. But we had fun, had a good talk about stuff. All in all a very appreciated gesture and someone I'll have to stay in touch with. I honestly don't have much in common with Stu, but you get enough true friends.

So that brings me home. "Home" I joked when Mike told me that's where I'd have to make my way to. Little did I know just how bad it would be at the time. Well, at the apartment I had a bite to eat and then jumped in the bath with a book. Somehow I managed to already be thinking about Michelle. It wasn't bad till I laid down, though. All of a sudden I was over at her house, which may not happen because I don't even know if she has a house yet and she may not even want me over. It happened all sorts of different ways, acceptance, rejection, etc etc. I kept stopping myself, but I wouldn't stay stopped. I don't know what time I tossed and turned till, but I was moaning too because I hurt so bad. I won't go into the thoughts I had, they're really worthless. Like I said, I may not even go, so I should have been following my "rules to avoid depression". Rules.. so easy to write, so hard to follow. I'll get better with practise.

Today is shaping up to be good. I have most of a good breakfast left to eat (the honey in the sausages is weird though.. what's up with companies thinking everything has to be flavoured different to sell?) and "All for Mairi's wedding" by Slainte just came on after a thundershower MP3 so my mood perked a tad. Oh! And I have my second meeting tonight! I'm really looking forward to that. I need to make a decision about Tannis before I go, though. Do I wait until she suggests something, or do I make the move and ask her if she's busy this weekend? I really need a new friend, someone to talk about things with in a new light. More importantly, though, I can see us spending an afternoon together and becoming friends and me realizing after that I hadn't dwelt on the past or on depression at all for the whole time. We'll see. I may be too busy working this weekend. All the more reason to get cracking at the office. Bye diary o mine.

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