2002-12-30 - 11:06 a.m.

I had a long horrible nightmare last night. I'm not sure but I think my dad started running on the treadmill around 11:30 or midnight and closed the door to my room so it wouldn't bother me. Either he ran on the treadmill or I imagined it because for the next 3 hours I was stuck in my dream trying to get to sleep and running into dozens of strange disturbing images.

Most of it has faded now. There are certain scenes which will never fade as long as I live, like some of the other dreams I've written about in here, they are recorded permanently.

I remember just as I was starting to really try and wake up, I found myself flipping from scene to scene faster and at one point I remember sitting on a bed in pouring rain. I looked up and saw that there was a sheltered place off in the distance. I could draw it now. It was raining hard, it was night, and there were a few more beds around me, all in the rain, but about 200 feet away there was this brightly lit building with an overhanging ceiling jutting out that has a dry bed under it. I thought that was the place I wanted to go and started thinking of getting up to go there but then some part of me inside refused. On waking, I remembered this and I thought of the night I hit Michelle and how I walked toward the hotel lobby in the pouring rain. I think I was refusing to revisit those memories on some level.

As I continued trying to wake, I appeared in a small dark room with a bare mattress on it. There was a pair of black boxers on the bed and the white lettering on the waistband was glowing. I remember that freaking me out. Then I remember being pushed around on the mattress in circles. I was laying on my stomach and some demonic force was pushing me around and around on this mattress. Where do these images come from??? At this point I thought that if I could tune a radio between stations, the static would help me fall asleep (I remember reading this somewhere as a tip for insomniacs). Except that when I tried to turn the radio on, a tape started playing instead. The song was Blind Melon's "soak the sin". It was strange because the song was playing perfectly clearly. This happens to me in my sleep sometimes.

When I hit stop on the tape player, I woke up. I was clutching sweaty sheets in my bed at 3:00 am. What a horrible feeling.

I didn't want to go back to sleep right away. My door was closed so I wasn't getting enough fresh air and I had a wicked headache in a particular spot of my head. There was also a rumbling sound coming from the furnace so I think that had something to do with the demonic force image.

Whatever, I feel better now that I wrote it down. I did fall back asleep and I don't remember much of what happened but I do know I threw some glass jars? balls? something at two of my old friends because I was pissed at them and I hit them square in the face and cut them up bad. I remember going back and feeling really sorry but them hating me and not wanting to talk to me. More imagery brought up from the Ozzfest incident, except twisted to show visuals that never happened, but represent the feelings and events instead.

The last thing I've been able to remember is dropping boys on their heads because they weren't behaving like I wanted them to. As in forcibly picking them up and throwing them in the air so they'd land on their heads almost to the point of breaking their necks. I'm glad it didn't get quite to the point of being a nightmare I couldn't escape from again, just a disturbing dream.

ug. Ok, that's over.

So yesterday I went to some party with my mom and siblings. It turns out I made quite a few friends, and even one around my age! I was shocked when she asked me for my number. I can't wait to go out and start making friends in the area. I also can't wait for Niki to get back so we can hang out and for Dan to call me back so I can get to know him and play some guitar and for Pam to get here so we can hang out and play some pool and she can come visit.

I'm kind of surprised at how busy my life is already, but pleasantly surprised anyway :o) Things are looking up.

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