2002-11-27 - 9:36 a.m.

Not much time to write, it's 9:30 and I just poured my morning OJ. I was up watching "A beautiful mind" last night until it got the point where the guy is laying in bed with his wife and they are starting to drift apart permanently.. then I had to turn it off and go to bed.

I was pretty .. not exactly depressed, but in a slow pondering mood. I sat for quite a while considering my life and how things are going and decided that I needed to stop thinking of what I didn't have because I know I'm not getting my little family back.

I purposely ate spicy food so I would have cool dreams but I can't remember what they were or if I had any. Normally I do remember dreams, but this morning I couldn't recall a single wisp of thought. I'm pretty sure I did have some dreams, but they wouldn't have been terribly clear then.

Oh, and last night was the first night in a long long time, or possibly since I started tracking my goals, that I forgot to read an AA book before I went to bed. Not to worry, I'm allowed these slips, but I thought I should mention it. I guess that means the day is coming when I forget to write in this diary for a day. I'll have to treat that occurance the same way: regret, but not shame, and a firm intention to keep trying just as hard.

I think in the past I've taken a momentary failure as a sign that I was bound to fail anyway and as a signal to just go ahead and forget about trying any more.

Aside from that I have to do some grocery shopping tonight because I have no soy milk and hence no breakfast cereal to eat.

I'm looking forward to when I can be back to the "on the ball" way that I was a few months ago. I don't know if it's coming any time soon, but that's the goal. Back then my life was a lot simpler and I had a lot more free time. I don't spend much time anymore on life planning and more importantly I don't spend much time on the little maintenance tasks that keep my life flowing smoothly. I guess I just need it pounded into my head one more time that what is the most fun in the moment is almost invariably not the best in the long run.

Time to go.

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