2002-10-01 - 8:04 a.m.

Oy. I haven't just sat here and stared at a blank screen for so long before. I know that once I start typing I'll stop thinking and just write out what's going on, but in my perfectionist way I always want to pick the best place to start. There isn't one.. and even if I do manage to pick the 'best' one, it usually turns out to be just average anyway.. sheesh.

I guess the first thing I want to write about it an admission of how much I obsessed over Michelle yesterday. Several times during the day, and especially during the bike ride home, I went over conversations with her in my mind, mostly placed in the future ( a few months ) and most of them ending in her slowly being convinced to give me a second chance. In my defense, I didn't really believe what I was thinking and I would cap off these mini-mind scenarios with a sarcastic comment or a realistic observation along the lines of "you hit her, it's your fault she left, and she's not coming back" or "you can't convince her of anything, she'd have to think of it on her own". Those are kind of lame examples. But anyway, the point stands, when I had these imaginary conversations, it was like I was watching another side of myself and secretly laughing at myself for thinking this stuff. On a certain level I didn't believe it at all.

It still affected me though. It still gave me stress and tension, and I don't need that. And they were also imaginary conversations which I'm not supposed to have. One thing I thought about was that my mind is going to do that anyway, pretty much whatever I try to do about it, so I might as well figure out a mental person that is ok to talk to. I don't know if it would work that way. To be honest, I have no real ideas about how to solve this problem. But I know I don't want to sweep it under the carpet.. I want it out in the clear so I can be honest with myself that I'm still torn over Michelle.

That's a good intro into the AA big book reading I did just before going to bed. It was a real revelation to read this guy's story. Sometimes simple words expressing simple concepts just hit home and I wonder how I could have been so stupid..... here, let me quote the relevant parts:

"When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away."

"When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment."

"I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."

"Before A.A. I judged myself by my intentions, while the world was judging me by my actions."

"When I focus on what's good today, I have a good day, and when I focus on what's bad, I have a bad day. If I focus on a problem, the problem increases; if I focus on the answer, the answer increases."

Wow.. there were a lot of relevant quotes there. I identified completely with the guy, because I had a great situation but I kept focussing on the negatives. I kept thinking about how the garbage hadn't been changed or how Kris had drawn on the wall again, or how Michelle hadn't taken Kris outside that day. What a huge ass I made of myself. I missed out on a lot more joy and happiness during that 3 year relationship by not focussing on the good things.

It also applied exactly to how I've felt the last month and a half. I've been focusing on the problem of how to get Michelle back. It's completely taken over a lot of my alone time, to the point where I can't seem to stop myself from thinking about it. Last night, I finally figured out what was so wrong... I was focusing on a problem that doesn't have an answer. Michelle isn't going to come back. So what is the point of focussing on that problem? I hadn't really thought of it, I was just going along. That is my big problem. Lack of forethought. Sometimes lack of thought at all.

The same goes for all the problems I've obsessed about in the past. I need to focus on the answers instead.. it just makes sense.

I know for a fact that the quotes above will work for me because they already have. For instance, when I first realized that if Michelle hadn't left me I wouldn't have found I was an alcoholic, I got the feeling that things turned out for the best in a sense, and that they world was already right as it was. That did give me a lot of serenity. For a while. It lasted until I figured that I was fixed now, that my alcoholism wasn't a problem, and so now it was time for Michelle to take me back... she was making a mistake if she didn't.

It didn't occur to me to ask myself if I was the one making the mistake. After all, it had only been a few weeks since I found out I was an alcoholic. Would it be fair to say that I had the problem licked already? Perhaps a more accurate statement would have been that I didn't even realize how far gone I was at that point and hadn't even really started the program. Yet I still tried to convince Michelle in my head, and eventually in person, that I was a changed person. Duh.

But lately, I have really been focussing on a different aspect of my life. I've been getting honest with myself about the problems I have like selfishness and childishness, and I've been focussing on the answers to these problems, with great results. I already feel much better about myself than I have since I can remember, and I know that I'm the road to improving myself and becoming the person I know I already am but wasn't letting myself be. I have already changed my ways in some key areas and I'm learning to change my ways in more subtle places too, which will have huge results in the person that is here for the world to judge by his actions.

That sentence seemed rather odd. This diary writing is a good thing.. I think I need the practise in communication.

So yeah, I feel optimistic about future obsessive thoughts about Michelle. I doubt I'll be able to go through an imaginary conversation without thinking "hey, what am I doing here, am I focussing on a problem?" And "does this problem have an answer?"

Once I realized I was thinking about things in the completely wrong way, I started asking myself what was the right way to think, then. Well, this was actually pretty easy to answer. I know that I want to be happy and accepting, so that means I need to focus on ways for me to be more happy and accepting. I need to review what I've done that's made me depressed and think of ways to avoid doing that.

On some level I guess I had some parts to this puzzle figured out already because right from the start I made a list of "rules to avoid depression" and "facts to avoid pain". The problem was that my focus didn't stay on these answers to problems, but instead wandered back to how to get Michelle back, since that was the most selfish possible thought.

So anyway, when I catch myself having imaginary conversations and getting depressed, I really need to start thinking of answers to my problems instead of obsessing over problems that have no answers.

phew.

What else? Work went well yesterday. I developed a wicked headache near the end of work hours and it just got worse as I headed home. When I got home I laid in bed and my body was completely exhausted. I think I should revise my night-time goal from lights out at 11:00 to in bed by 10:00. The problem is that I know some nights I don't get home by 10:00, either because of badminton or an AA meeting that runs late. Maybe I should make a goal to be in bed by 10:00 but have lights out at 11:00, which leaves me wiggle room in the definition without letting me get out of hand.

On the other hand, I think I'm just naturally going to choose to go to bed earlier since I'm freaking tired in the mornings lately. I hope so, anyway. We'll see. I'll figure it out :o)

Oh, I talked to Niki last night. I was really quite surprised that she initiated a conversation, and I'm glad I waited until she did instead of emailing her or whatnot. I showed good patience there and I think I handled the situation well. I feel like we have a somewhat better understanding now, but I'm still confused about how she's feeling. I hope I can really help her by being a considerate and consistent friend. My goal as far as Niki is concerned is to stay in touch for the next year by communicating at least once every two weeks, and also to not overdo the chatting by questioning my reason for starting a conversation before I actually start it. I have to listen to her. She says that I'm focussing on her to get off my personal problems and she's right. It isn't fair to her that I want to talk to her all the time, because I know that if I got a girlfriend then I would hardly speak to her any more. What kind of friend would I be then?

So the goal is to change that. I want to talk less to her now, and to continue to talk to her at the same level for the future, regardless of what happens in my life. I know she is a good enough friend to deserve that kind of commitment, and I think it will make me feel a lot better about myself if I realize that I am being a good friend to people.

Not much else to relate about yesterday. I really enjoyed playing my guitar. It's starting to feel so natural to sit there with it. My hands are starting to know what to do automatically. Also, I'm slowly adding notes and chords and rhythms to my repertoire. I think I should definitely focus on writing sheet music for the little ditties I play because it will help my development immensely. That's one for the weekly goal sheet :o)

Alrighty then. Time to make lunch and head to the office. I'm fighting the desire to drive to work and buy coffee and donuts, or at least hot chocolate and donuts. I know that if I wasn't so clear on my goals, that if I hadn't stumbled into the AA program, that once I finished paying people off I would have gone straight back to the old ways of buying lunch every day and spending money on a whim all the time. I would totally have drained my extra funds with spurious purchases and I wouldn't have been able to make my savings goal.

But now that I have all this stuff in my mind and that I'm on track, I know I will make it. Look out, future, here I come!

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