2002-10-02 - 7:40 a.m.

Wow, am I tired.

Last night I decided to stay up past my bedtime and I'm still not sure if I made the right choice. Badminton was cancelled last night so I went to the Tuesday night AA meeting.

I need to make an effort to be clear here because my thoughts aren't working quite right.

Tannis showed up at the AA meeting. I was glad to see her because I know she needs the program very badly but doesn't go regularly. I finally worked up the courage to try to befriend her. I had made smalltalk before, but had always held back on suggesting that we actually meet somewhere for coffee. The time felt right last night and I just went right ahead and asked her. She was predictably shy, and of course had to wonder at my motives. I mentioned wanting to make friends and how I couldn't remember the last time I had just made a friend. She said we should try it and see how it goes, so I'm hopeful I'll get an extra person to talk to :o)

I only have a few friends in Thunder Bay, namely Mark, Jamie, Sue (when she's in town) and Stuart. Yep, I am definitely low in the friend department.

I stayed to help clean up after the AA meeting ended. Evelyn asked if I had a sponsor and when I said no, she offered to be my sponsor until I found one. I really appreciate her thoughtfulness. I can't overstate the importance of doing things differently than I have in the past and getting a sponsor to help me is definitely something out of the ordinary for me to do. I am actively gauging the other members to see which I would like to ask to be my sponsor. So far I am considering asking Marcel. However, this decision is too important (I think) to allow me to make a rushed decision. It won't be long before I feel like the time is right. It is coming. But in the meantime, I'm glad I have Evelyn to confide in and look to for answers.

Annnnnyway I am not having much luck getting what I want to say written out. Whatever. Bleah.

I got invited to Evelyn's for pie right after the meeting. Tannis was going there too which was an extra reason to go. But, hey, pie :o) I knew it was already after 10:00 and that I wouldn't be home before 11:00 so one goal would be shot, but I figured the chance of making new friends was more important given the challenges that are facing me now than getting to bed by 11:00. I still honestly feel like it could have been the right choice. I mean, we didn't just eat the pie, we also did an AA book reading.

The three of us sat there in Evelyn's apartment and read about half of Bill's story. It was the coolest thing because we were free to stop and talk about whatever, and we had very constructive discussions about what the content meant for each of us.

I've known for a while now that when reading the AA book on my own, I only get a skin-deep feel for what is being talked about. I seem incapable of getting to most of the deeper meaning on my own. When I'm at a meeting, though, even the simplest words that I would normally gloss over completely can come to life because of someone's comment on how they were affected by those words.

The same things happened at Evelyn's and I'm really glad that she invited me because I can see a definite need for more AA fellowship now that I am down to one meeting a week. Oh, and on that topic we all discussed going to a Monday night group and I think that's a great idea.

So, the pie was great and the fellowship was great. The only problem was that I left at 1:30 am. Yes, 1:30! I couldn't believe the time when I got into my car. I had commented inside on how it felt like about 12:30 or a bit later. I think I may have even said that at 1:00, and that was as I was getting up to leave the table. Somehow we ended up talking even longer at the door.

It was like... I'd been missing this kind of friend-making and soul-searching with others for so long that I didn't want to be away from them. I didn't want to go back to my regular lonely life. Hmm.

So yeah, it's very hard for me to feel like I made the wrong choice because if I hadn't gone, I would have missed out not only on last night's fellowship but on countless future meetings that I'm sure will do me good. I already have a date to go there this Saturday to make pizza :o)

But on the other hand, I am astoundingly stunned this morning and when I first turned off my alarm, things were very jumbled. I actually don't remember the alarm going off. I just remember looking up at the clock and seeing 6:30 and thinking "shit". Yep. And then I remember wondering what day it was. It sure felt like the weekend hahaha. It slowly dawned on me that it wasn't, that it was the middle of the week and I had to work today. Life sure didn't seem fair. I actually didn't get out of bed right away. I layed there berating myself and threatening myself with thoughts like "shouldn't I give myself an X for staying in bed this long???" and "how long exactly do I have to stay in bed after turning off my alarm before I don't get the checkmark???"

Well, I did get up after only maybe 10 seconds of closing my eyes, but I do really believe I crossed over the line into where I could easily have fallen asleep completely. In my current state I may not have woken up in time to get to work.

Work. Yes, that is the other downside. I feel like I won't be able to do such a good job today.

Oh, but before I blabber on some more, I have to admit that I'm avoiding mentioning something. I'm trying to railroad my line of thinking away from some facts that I conveniently neglected to mention. Namely that I didn't fall asleep until at least 3:10am. Why, you ask? Well, that's for me to know and you to find out, but I really had no reason to stay up past 1:40 when I got home. So anyway, I think I would have to conclude that going to Evelyn's last night was indeed the right choice, but I showed a lack of dilligence in getting to sleep when I got home and that is to blame for my zombie-ish state this morning.

The funny thing is I've been much more tired in the past for absolutely no valid reason. I mean, just for an example, how about the time I decided - at 3:30am - to get drunk and stoned when I had an exam at 8:30 the next morning? That wasn't too long ago, you know, and this time I definitely had a good constructive reason for deciding to stay up late.

I'm probably repeating myself a lot and I may laugh at myself when I read this. Who knows?

Something else I want to mention is that I checked to see if (I thought "Pam" there for a second.. oooh ouch.. bad sign) Michelle was online when I got home. I wasn't expecting her to be, it was... shit.. sunrise under way. Must get up hill soon. I wasn't expecting her to be online, I just wanted to check to see that she had signed in while I was out. She had indeed, leading me to believe she has internet at home since she's signed in every night this week.

It's kind of ironic that I was planning to stay up last night until she got online to have a chat with her. I would make that plan for tonight but I'm going to need my Zzzs. Anyway, there will be plenty of time for that. She isn't going anywhere.

So what else?

Um, I am planning on driving to the springwater shack (what the heck do you call those things anyway?) today to fill up our water bottles from the office. I definitely think the water is dangerous to drink on that side of town and I need some water. Ha! What a wonderful sentence. I don't care. I need to grab my camera and head outside. The cold air should wake me up.

Au revoir.

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