2002-10-03 - 8:02 a.m.

It feels good to be on track.

Today is already a good day and I've only been awake half an hour :o) It wasn't very hard to get up. I had a little bit of a pause where the thought crossed my mind that it would be nice to lay in bed for a while, but that thought was easily displaced by "dilligence.. dilligence.. dilligence". And I think the thought after that, as I got up from my bed, was "dilligence is going to pay off". It's nice to be honest with myself for a change.

Yesterday was kind of hazy. I was really out of it, although I didn't have as much trouble functioning as I'd feared I would. I did very well at the office, considering that although I didn't have a specific task to work on as of the night before, I came up with one and got to work on it as soon as I got there. I also didn't stop working until 1pm.

The task I came up with was to rewrite some code so that our application only needs one set of graphics installed and still works in any screen resolution. It doesn't look too pretty right now because I'm using a temporary internal function to do the graphics resizing, but I spent some time researching a better algorithm and have some sample code to learn from in order to implement a better method. Hopefully I will get that done today.

I did something else that was cool yesterday at the office. I took our three empty water bottles and drove to a potable water tap type thing (what the heck do you call those?) anyway, I'm pretty sure it's a shed put over top of a spring that anyone can use, but it may also just be a water main tap. The reason I think that is that there is a sign asking you to turn off the tap when you're done, and why would that be there if it was a natural spring? It kind of doesn't make sense. But, I don't know, so I'm not going to worry about it. The water tastes damn good, though, and although the trip took me an hour, I'll certainly choose to do it again when we run out instead of ponying up $20 for some dude to roll water in the door instead.

I also played a lot of Insane at the office yesterday. After half-finishing (oooohh.. honesty ;o) my graphics resizing project, I integrated the Jamie's playlist with my build of the app and we worked on getting things running again. This is where we both work on one computer because it's just less hassle than merging code changes constantly. His code had to change and mine didn't, so I "kept myself busy" hehe while he was working. A bit later, Dan's server code needed work so Jamie and I both played haha. Anyway, it wasn't like I spent the afternoon playing games... the app now works quite well and is very nearly ready to test. Today will be a good day.

We've really been making a lot of good steady progress at the office. I can't relate in words how much peace and happiness this brings me. I was starting to get depressed - I think - because it seemed like we were stuck and I was really starting to doubt the viability of not just our company, but of software companies in general. It is a very good experience to be working as part of a team that is cranking out good code regularly. It raises my outlook on the potential of running my own software business some day.

A good and honest plan is taking shape. Hmm.. there's one for the goal lists. I've had bits and pieces of this plan laying around in the scrapheap (ahahha good word) of my mind for quite some time. I know a piece of software that I am positive would sell. I also know that I could write it. I also know that it would take me a hell of a long time and that there are a lot of side considerations, but heck, it's my chance. It's my handle into the market, my area of expertise and expert knowledge that I can honestly see where a good product would fit into. (sentence?)

Yeah.. so anyway, one for the goal list. I can do that these days because, hey, I'm dilligent. What a concept.

I went up to see the sunrise yesterday after my entry. Man, was I glad I went. It was beautiful right from the minute I got there. I think I left my entry just in time. I took a picture right away, which is practically verboten in my experience, but because of experience, I knew that the moment was right. The sun hadn't even risen yet. Enough about the description, though, because I want to post that picture here some day soon:

I am still paying for a gold membership at my old account so I'm going to clean up the old pics there and post some new ones up then link them from here. That means they'll disappear some day when that gold membership expires, but no worries, I'll just buy one for this account then :o)

Oh yeah, I wanted to talk about my room mate.

In general, I often think of subjects to discuss in my diary throughout the day and then completely forget them when it comes time to write. That reminds me of being in an AA meeting and thinking of insightful comments while people are speaking, but then forgetting them when my turn comes. For example, I want to talk about my AA book ponderings last night, and about the thoughts I've had that my entries were too plain and everyday instead of being about deep meaningful things that are happening to me.

But first, my roommate.

Hmm.. where to start? I do like having him around. He's nice enough to talk to although we're not exactly close. I'll be very glad for the $300 that's coming .. hey.. it's already October 1st. He should be giving me that any day. Something tells me that something is funny, but I'm trying not to be suspicious of people. Anyway, he has the benefit of the doubt for now but he did mention something about not having any money last night. If he's not intending to pay rent then he can move down the street to his dad's.

But anyway, the comment I wanted to make was about daily life with another person. The focus in my mind right now is on little naggling things. Things like the half-glass of milk he left out on the computer desk one night. I left that there for him to pick up but it was still there the day after. I also found an old apple core beside the computer tower on the ground. These things are fairly minor, but stuff like that gets to me. I have to keep reminding myself that other people are mostly slobs. I know that about my society. I was raised in a very clean home and that spoiled me. The thing is, it takes effort, and a lot of people don't have effort to spare.

At first I thought it was just because he works night shifts, and there is some truth to that. I know when I was tired the other day, I really didn't care as much if I left things tidy. I still did the dishes last night, though. To his credit, Mark has done the dishes a few times, but even then, my mind calls up the memory of him saying he was just going to let a frying pan soak because "it was really greasy". Heck, it's a non-stick pan, you just wipe it. I proceeded to do that and I guess it irked me that he didn't bother. I don't understand.

Other things he's done have been stuff like grating the cheese the wrong way. HAHAHA I'm laughing out loud at myself for being so anal, but who takes a long skinny brick of cheese and grates it with the long flat part on the grater so you end up with an even skinnier block of cheese? You know, this is exactly the kind of example that is perfect for myself. I was unreasonably upset about this. I mean, thinking back, was it ever any harder to cut that cheese? Did I even care when I went to make an omelette? No. But I do recall that the anger (gee, that is a bit strong.. I wasn't raging or anything) about the cheese transmuted from being upset that he grated it funny (I'm avoing saying 'the wrong way' :oD ) to being that he didn't pay me enough for groceries. I mean, he gives me money to buy apples and bananas and eats all the cheese :oP.

Others? Well, the other day I found the new block of cheese (yes, YES, I'm sensitive about my cheese!!!!) in a fairly sad state. No, this time he didn't grate it funny. This time he cut the package wide open, cut some of the cheese off, then put the cheese back into the loose flappy package and put it like that in the fridge. Maybe he thought because we have a little dairy comparment with a flap-door type thing in the fridge that he didn't have to wrap the cheese. Well, it was already drying out by the time I found it so I helpfully rewrapped it in saran wrap. There's a big dispenser on the wall. It took about 3 seconds.

So, why even bother being upset about it? I mean, left to his own devices he would have ants crawling around the floor eating his apple cores, the lovely aroma of congealed milk, and cheese that hardened and dried up the day after he bought it. And maybe this would show him that he would need to change. Or maybe he wouldn't care. I really don't know. The point is, I stress about it. I know from reading the big book that this means my expectations are too high. Thankfully, I have been able to lower my expectations. I mean, honestly, he isn't that bad! He has some flaws, but so would anyone else. It is in fact excellent practise at living with some small inconveniences so that I'll be a much better spouse the next time I get into that lucky situation.

In the mean time, now that I think about it, I'm going to have to ask Mark about the rent. He'd better have the $300 he was talking about. I know he's been out drinking at least a few times. While talking about the one time he came home stinking drunk he mentioned that I "didn't even notice the time before". If he has money to drink then he has money to give me for staying here. I am not going to feel sorry for him in the least and I'm not going to give him much slack. I know my financial plan refers to the full amount of my rent. Until this moment I hadn't even though about it, but it's a good thing I wasn't putting a dependency on him into my plan.

The more I think about it, the more I realize I have to come up with some decisions about exactly what I'm going to do, then I have to confront him and talk to him about it. I guess I forgot to mention that although I'd thought about talking to him about the little stuff, I hadn't ever said anything and in retrospect I'm glad. But this isn't small stuff, this is big you-need-to-be-dependable stuff and I can't afford to let it be. This is also good practise at dealing with future situations.

Clear sky sunrise today. I don't think I'm going to go. It's very cold I believe. I should check. Holy crap! It says -6C! How come the forecasts are always too warm? I remember the predicted low for this week was 2 or 0 maybe, but it seems when the time comes the temp is always much lower. I don't get it. The record low is -8 in 1945 and today is -6. Yikes. Definitely need the earmuffs today for biking. They're saying a high of 9 today and a low of 8 overnight with some rain. Hello? Why would the temp stay so high tonight? I bet it will snow instead. Stupid weather network :oD

Ok..back to reality. I have a few things left to discuss before I go.

I'll start with the content of my entries. Even today, while I was writing about the details of my work yesterday, I thought "does this really belong in an entry"? I mean, details about stuff like resizing bitmaps with certain algorithms aren't really salient to my recovery, and therefore to my future self. But then again, once the words start flowing, I don't really want to have to think too hard about what belongs and what doesn't. I get into the groove and don't want to stop. That's what makes writing so much possible, I think. Also, I remember Terry Pratchett said that he just writes and writes and then revises later. I'm never going to publish these diary entries, they're forever relegated to first draft status which is fine.

The only way this would be a problem is if I really neglected (and that's a good word to use here) to mention some of the more important things that are going through my mind. I mean, as these past few days have gone by, I've come a lot closer to feeling like I'm going to be ok without Michelle. I've also seen a drastic decrease in imaginary conversations with her. I haven't mentioned that in my diary because I haven't been focussing on her at the time as much, I guess.

Ok, I think I have it now. While I'm writing my diary, I related a slice of life that is relevant to the person I am during the time of my entry, and what I'm wanting from myself is a slice of my life for the whole day. I have different thoughts and moods throughout the day and I'm just not going to get it all into my daily entry. That's just something to accept. I can still remind myself to be dilligent in including any important thoughts and events from the previous day, though.

And so I come to my AA pondering for last night. The story was not particularly relevant to me, but as I've learned from my meetings, it doesn't matter how small the relevance to yourself is, there is always one, and even if it is only a line or two, it can easily expand to fill a thoughtful half-hour when related to my life. So the line from last night's reading was something that he mentioned only in passing, but that hit me pretty hard because I know it will be a major issue with me. That line was about sick relationships.

The way it was written in the story, the guy had gotten advise from his AA fellows to avoid relationships for a year or two. He had chosen to ignore this advice and paid for it by suffering through some "sick relationships". Now when I read sick relationships I didn't think of gag balls and whips and chains or anything, nor did I think of fighting per se, I just thought of any relationship that had problems that weren't being solved over time. I thought of relationships that aren't specifically healthy for both people. I thought of relationships where more stress was generated than absorbed.

I came to the sad conclusion that - by my own definition - my relationship with Michelle had been sick. I blame myself, honestly, because I was so immature and unwilling to be dilligent. I don't think my unwillingness had anything to do with the person in the relationship with me, but rather with my own inability to stick to what I knew was right. Not that I think Michelle couldn't also have done better, but - and very importantly I might add - I don't blame her in the least. That's all I would need, false feelings of blame toward one of the people who's loved me the most in this lifetime.

I also thought about how Dave's relationship is by the same definition sick. Just because he and his wife reminded me so much of me and Michelle. I was torn then between thinking that EITHER Dave's relationship was fine because he and his wife would work things through (in which case it would be ok for Michelle and I to get back together) OR Michelle and I will never get back together and therefore Dave's relationship with his wife is doomed. What a tough choice! And notice how I try to twist things as much as possible to give me the most chance of having what I want. Enough said.

Anyway, also on the subject of relationships is my desire not to have any. That is a desire that is only word-deep at the moment, unfortunately. I can't say I honestly don't want a girlfriend. Heck, I'm frickin lonely. I also know that I still have major feelings for Michelle and that any other relationship would be a rebound and a half. This will be the case for at least a year or two from now. The good news is, that's how long my "desire" is to avoid relationships. I think if I repeat the reasons to myself enough I'll start to really desire this in my heart.

Partly, that desire is already starting. I know I desire to get my life in line, and I realize that a relationship would throw major wrenches in my gears. I need a simple uncluttered life right now to get my footing. And who knows how long it will take for me to regain my balance. (Did I ever have it?) Also, I'm seeing that I can be very happy without someone else. I think I need to let go of the reliance on being in a relationship. Not that I was super dependent but just that I seem to feel like I'm not truly happy on my own. I don't know.. that doesn't sound like such a bad way to think. I really don't like being alone. I'm still happy, and joyful, just lonely. Whatever.. I'll figure it out.

Time to go eat. The bell has rung. Eight of the clock. The sun has risen. Au revoir.

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