2002-10-04 - 8:12 a.m.

Well, time for a more serious entry. I was complaining yesterday that I didn't write enough about things relating to how my life is changing. I figured too much talking about everyday things wasn't really what this diary was for, then I decided that once I started writing I just wanted to continue with whatever topic was foremost in my mind. Well, today I won't have any trouble sticking to serious topics.

I talked with Michelle last night. I should say "chatted" because it was an MSN conversation, but I think of it as talking. I saw her online really early in the evening, around 6:20 or so. I figured what the heck, the time is right, so I said hi. She said hi back then I asked her if she was busy and she said "kinda. But if it's important...". Well, I did feel like I had important things to talk about but they didn't have to be talked about at the moment. I just said I'd catch her later and I really didn't feel anything special or get any stress from it. It was really cool.

Stu came over last night, shortly after the above-mentioned chat. He stayed for a while and we played GTA3 until 9:30 which I had said when he called was the time I wanted to start getting ready for bed. I checked to see if Michelle was online when he left at 9:30 and she still was, to my surprise. I got quite a shock, too.. She had changed her online nick to "-=Vixen=- hes mine Kristine :P". Well, I can't say I know for a fact what that meant, but I have a really good idea, and my calm from earlier just kind of evaporated. Not like I got mad, more like I felt sick.

Anyway, I saw Stu to the door (yes, I checked MSN while he was still there. I did it before shutting down the computer after we were done playing) then I went back to the computer to chat with Michelle.

This time she wasn't busy. So, I asked her then if it was a good time to talk. She said and I damn well wish I had remembered this for the length of the conversation, that she had to get up at 4:30 am the next day and was just waiting for Kris to fall asleep before heading home. Anyway, so I decided to talk with her for a while. I knew she was still in a conversation with somebody else because it was taking her a while to answer, so I didn't feel guilty about keeping her up just then.

I started talking about .. oh boy, I wish I had saved the conversation, but I just closed the window when we were done. This entry will have to serve as my record of it. Don't worry, I didn't forget anything important. But in my anal way I want to remember everything about it in the right order :oP. Oh yeah, I started with talking about how I was sorry for how I acted the last time. She said she knew cause she got my email. Then I talked about why I hadn't talked to her lately and said that I didn't feel like she ever wanted to talk again, or that we were friends. Then she came back with something I expected: "You're the one who said you were going to delete me off MSN and weren't coming back". So yeah, she didn't know even though she got the email. I know the email wasn't very good.

So I think I cleared that up with her.. I think she knows now that I would go visit if it was an option. In fact, that's the next thing we talked about. I mentioned how I really missed Kris but didn't want to see her if it would hurt her, and I wanted to know what Michelle thought about the idea. I wanted to come to a decision together, like we had done so many times in the past. I think that had been one of the strengths of our relationship, sick though it may have been. Her response was fitting. She started out with "you're moving away next summer". (I caught on to the pattern here.. she had definitely been thinking negatively of me and pinning all the bad feelings on me. I'm sure it made it easier to move on, and I can't blame her, but .. it still hurts.) Her next lines talked about how hard it was on her. Then she stopped talking.

I left it like that for about 3 or 4 minutes. Then I wrote "ic.. You're not going to write any more, are you?" And she said she didn't know what to say. Well, I figured it was too bad that she didn't mention how Kris felt about it, but so be it. I also figured it was too bad she couldn't just come out and say "No, Carl, I don't think you should visit." When Kris asks now why she can't see her dad, I don't want Michelle to be able to say and think that it's because I decided not to visit any more. I want her to be honest and say that it's because she didn't want to put up with the trouble of me going to visit.

That was .. well.. it was kind of a turning point there. The conversation was kind of sour. I moved on to another question, the one of my library card. She said she kept forgetting and would send it soon. That was cool by me. It's not like it's a huge priority for her. Hmm, now that I think of it, I wonder if she ever found that camera cable? Hmm, not really important. My only reason for knowing would be justification that I had brought it there, so it's not something I should ask, considering I would only be asking for my own benefit.

Then I got on to the topic that ended up really jarring me. That topic was how I felt down about myself because of Michelle's opinion that I was abusive. I wanted to talk about how I had read about alcoholic blackouts and that helped me to understand how I could have hit her. I thought that meant that I wasn't abusive. Of course, in my simple-mindedness and self-centeredness I hadn't really honestly asked myself the answer to that question. So anyway, at first Michelle didn't get what I was asking really and made a laundry list of all the things that I had done wrong in our relationship. Thankfully, I had already been honest with myself and realized all these things, so it didn't hurt to have her mention them. I apologized for being such a jerk and told her that I agreed, it was the truth.

But then I went on to argue the point of me being abusive. I basically said it hurt that she thought I would hit her or Kris when I was sober. Then she busted my bubble by calling up a list of times I had been rough with Kris. Oh, she was pissed by this time, and she really laid into me. To my credit, I didn't argue with her, but I did hold on for a little while to my idea that I wasn't abusive. That didn't last. The conversation ground to a halt here. It had been an hour already and Kris had already gone to sleep. I hadn't had the intention to keep Michelle awake but I still felt guilty for keeping her up. Anyway, after venting about the times I had been physical with Kris, she was very bitter and said she had to sleep and buh-bye basically.

It'll be interesting to analyze this entry later to see if I'm biasing it in my favour. I know I'm just sketching in the details of the talk, and I'm wondering now if I'm not trying to make myself look better? Hmm..

So anyway, after the talk I had some serious soul-searching to do. It turns out that, hey, I was abusive. Not only the times that Michelle mentioned, but I remembered some other times that she had forgotten. She mentioned a time when I "hit Kris so hard she slammed into a wall". I sort of remember Kris ending up hitting a wall, but honestly the word "slammed" is too strong. I know Kris ran into walls harder on her own than I ever sent her into one. But Michelle remembers things like that, and honestly I can't blame her. In her mind, I am the bad guy and I can do no right. Not only that, but I never did anything right either. I don't know if that will change. Sigh.

She also mentioned a time when Kris wouldn't take her shoes off and I yanked them off her feet, then she fell out of her chair and hit her head, after which I went back to reading like nothing had happened. I don't remember this exactly. I don't argue the point either. She was right, some times I just used force with Kris when I couldn't get my way. She also mentioned the time I spanked Kris for peeling the stickers off my rubik's cube. That time I do remember clearly, as that was the turning point for me in being abusive with Kris. I spanked her 13 times, Michelle said. I remember she said she counted. I also remember it because for once she talked to me about it, and let me know how she felt. I remember being very surprised at the high number, but I also remember not arguing about it and promising to her and myself that I would never hit Kris that many times again. I remember Michelle saying she always made it a point never to spank Kris more than 3 times in one spanking, and I do remember that I held to that rule from then on.

Another thing I remember in terms of spanking is the time that I told Kris I would spank her if she took the shoelaces out of the shoes again (this was after she had done it several times, being told not to every time, and the last time before I had sat with her and made her put the laces back in one of the shoes while I did the other, to show her how much work it was) Anyway, I noticed that the laces had been taken out again, then I said that I really didn't want to, but I had told her I would spank her if she did it again. Then I stood there, undecided and finally realized that I really really didn't want to do it. And I didn't.

I told Michelle the above points last night but I guarantee you she wouldn't remember this morning if you asked her. She was pissed, alright.

So that was her list, I don't think I missed anything. A few other moments came to my mind, and I bet I could think of more, but here are the ones I thought: one time Kris wasn't cooperating when I was bathing her: she wouldn't let me wash her hair. So then I stood her up, dumped water roughly over her head, shampooed roughly (her head was rocking back and forth and stuff cause I was being so rough) then dumped more water over her head, multiple buckets and very fast, then I picked her up by her sides and held her above the tub to drip for a few moments, then laid her down to dry her off. I did all this in a very tense, stressful anger. I was very rough. The reason I remember it so clearly is that while I was doing it, it felt wrong.

The other item was the time Michelle went to a bridal something or other at the Valhalla. She was going there with a friend and I had offered to watch Kris for her. After dropping her off, I headed back home down the highway. Kris started crying in the back seat. She missed mom, and I at first just sat through the crying, pleading with her to be quiet. (why the heck didn't I just stop the car? or something? I didn't care about her enough. Very sad) She didn't stop, and I did something super childish, I turned on the radio and cranked it to max volume. Yep. 25 years old, but where did the other 22 go? I had done this volume thing before when we were driving to Saskatchewan. Yeah, pretty shitty.

Then we got home. I really did try hard to make her at ease. I mean, my intentions were always good. But of course, there is that line from the AA book that applies so particularly here: "I judged myself by my intentions, but the rest of the world judged me by my actions". I don't even remember exactly how it happened, but at some point that night I slapped Kris in the head.

Wow.. just reading those words is like staring at something that you've been trying to tell yourself doesn't exist, but there it is.

Yes, I just slapped her in the head. It wasn't hard. It didn't have to be. It was the fact that there was really no reason for it. I can honestly say that was the only time I hit her in that way. It's sooo hard to describe what I mean. I mean that I just wanted her to feel pain. It was like the volume thing.. if I had to hear a loud annoying noise, I wanted her to hear it too. And that night, I was trying hard to be pleasant and to make her happy, and she was just being a brat, and so I wanted to hurt her. Oh my god, it was an exact mirror image of the thought I had that night at the Ramada when I was out in the rain.. that thought that I should hit Michelle. So yeah, I slapped Kris in the head that night.

It stopped me cold the second it happened. I stood there, looking down at her, her looking up at me. In that moment I felt like the most rotten son of a bitch that ever lived. We were looking right at each other and we were both stunned. I just didn't know what to do. I know I thought to myself that I had just done something really wrong. I also remember promising myself that I would never hit Kris again. We parted ways for a little while, each lost in our own thoughts. I little bit later, I was sitting at the computer and Kris came up to me. I gave her a big hug and said to her "Kris, I'm sorry I hit you." I really meant it with all my heart and I swear she never held it against me. She knew me.

So anyway, yeah, I have a really shitty track record to deal with. And I hadn't been honest with myself and realized it. I still thought I was some kind of saint or something. "Yeah, Saint Shit" to use an old personal joke.

After the conversation with Mich, I was really down. It was the hardest thing to just come to terms with exactly how shitty I had been. I knew she was right. I knew that her opinion of me was correct. And that was a crushing blow.

I had until then worked up a bit of self-esteem and confidence, and it's a damn good thing. If I'd had to deal with this newest revelation any sooner, it would have been much harder to take. As it was, I went over the conversation in my head again and again as I laid down to sleep. I read my AA book and pondered it but I was thinking of the night's talk in the back of my mind. I laid down with my guitar on my chest and played it.. I even came up with a note progression that captured my mood, but I still thought about stuff in the back of my head. I finally just laid there with my teddy bear and told myself it would be ok.

It didn't actually take me that long to fall asleep. I just kept telling myself that I had some more work to do, that's all. I already knew I had a lot of rebuilding to do, this just added some more. I already knew I was on track to fix things, so that hadn't changed. And the progress I'd made so far didn't disappear. I also knew that I would deal with the new work in time, and I didn't have to do it "right now". That helped.

I was able to fall asleep surprisingly easily. I think it only took an extra half hour. And this morning, my first thought of course was of this topic. I felt much better this morning. I have accepted that I was abusive. I think so lowly of myself right now.. but it's not like I've dropped much. I was already pretty much sitting at the bottom. So, that is that. I don't think there are any more surprises waiting for me. I hope not.

One thing I do remember that is positive about all this is Michelle telling me that Kris cried because she missed me. I mean, of course that hurts me just as much as it hurts Kris.. I hate the thought of her crying for any reason, but there is also a part of me that holds that thought so close. I mean, she knew me. She knew I loved her, and she knew that I tried. She loves me still. And she misses me. If I had been a horrible dad, she wouldn't love me, and she wouldn't miss me, and that means a lot.

As far as Mich is concerned, well, I don't know when she'll stop hating me. She may never. Her mind works that way. I know she's remembering all the bad things to make it easier to get over me. That's natural. Childish maybe, but natural. I also know she's moving on already. I wish her the best of luck, but I worry her new relationship is a rebound relationship and that she will get in too fast without being careful enough.

What a big mess. But at least my life is a lot simpler now. I just wish that Kris and I could still hang out. I'm going to miss her so much.

And I hope Michelle can forgive me some day. I guess eventually she will realize that I wasn't all bad, but I'm not holding my breath. I have a new life to build, too.

Au revoir.

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