2002-10-05 - 8:33 a.m.

Life is feeling good today. Considering that just .. was it only last night? Ahh.. the night before last, but I was thinking of it as the same thing.. anyway, considering that just the night before last Michelle kindly reminded me that I was lying to myself about being abusive in our family life, and I felt quite depressed about it, I've rebounded completely and feel like I can tackle this added work that needs to be done on myself.

Actually, my outlook really hasn't changed. The plan is still the same. The goals are still the same. There may be new problems, but if I follow the same goals and use just as much dilligence, then these new problems will get fixed too. That's cool. That just means I picked the right goals and that I'm doing the right thing. That feels really good.

I slept in today . It's the first day in over a week, and I can't remember justifying it too well. I also got home from my AA meeting after 11:00.. the comment went on for a long time but I totally didn't mind. I find that the more that gets said, the more I learn and the better I feel. I don't think of it as a sacrifice when the meeting runs late, I think of it as a blessing. And also, after the meeting I hung around for a while to make sure I knew what the plans were for picking Tannis up today. That took far longer than you would expect, because she feels the need to consult with her sponsor about pretty much every move. You would think that is kind of an easy way out, but honestly I think for her it is the best thing. She's really giving every effort to do things right and is afraid to make mistakes.

I'm picking her up today to go to Evelyn's for pizza night. Yes, I get to excercise my pizza making skillz for new friends :o) I'm looking forward to a lot of insightful discussion about the big book reading we'll do. I'll get a chance to talk about my latest setback and how I've already gotten over the depression that came down because of it. I'm sure it's because I'd already made progress in the past and that progress was sitting there, immovable. It was progress that had been made to myself and couldn't be unmade, even by finding out that there were more things wrong with me. It was like bedrock, you know? It feels good to have it there. I'm laying the foundation for my new life and so far it's more stable than anything I've ever known.

So that's the big plan for today. I also have a lot of running around to do: oil changes to get, haircuts if that's possible on short notice today, if not then tomorrow, supplies to buy for a Christmas present project, groceries to buy including stuff for pizza tonight. I have to be done all that and pick Tannis up by 3:45 but I'm quite confident that I can do it. I feel like I know my limits and my habits and can estimate how long it takes me to do things. Who says the business world is all full of shit? hehehe :o)

What else is there to write about yesterday? I wanted to mention that I talked to Mark about the rent. He said something about loan people coming after him, but after hearing how he talked to my landlord I'm unconvinced. He came home at 4:40am last night and I'm quite sure he was drunk again. I'd like to know where he gets the money to drink if he can't give me anything for rent. I'd like to think he just has a bad sense of responsibility and planning, but I think his problems are far worse than that. I honestly believe he's trying to milk me for all I'm worth. We'll see how my gut instinct plays out.

I left my computer on last night so I could download new tv episodes. I wish I could find some of the CDs I had burned.. I wonder where they all went? I bet Michelle took them because I had sorted everything out into mine and hers to make it faster for her to pack, but when I got here I found out she had resorted them. The more I think about when she moved out, the more I feel like she really just took whatever she wanted without regard for equality. I can't really blame her because she was pretty pissed at the time, but I can't shake the feeling that it just wasn't right.

I can't really remember much else about yesterday. I know work went well. We're still not done beta 4.0 but we wrapped up a lot of loose ends and I worked hard all day. We did slack a bit at lunch time when I fired up Insane and tried to beat 1:00 flat on that track we found the other day. WCW 53M 7W7. My memory is back: I was able to remember that after only seeing it/ writing it down once because I looked at it so intently the first time. I remembered it either later that day or a few days later with no problem. :o) I'm glad my brain has recovered cause I was really worried that I had permanently damaged myself back when I drank heavily every night. That was a long time ago now.. at least 6 years. That and the chronic pot smoking .. heh.. but I feel like I've recovered completely from that already. I truly believe that pot is less harmful, both physically and mentally, than alcohol. That doesn't imply that it's harmless or that it isn't dangerous, it's just far less so than alcohol.

Speaking of pot, that's one subject I'm still not completely decided on. I know that it can be as much of a show stopper as alcohol. Some people have flat out said they have to avoid it at all costs or they will lose the benefits of the AA program. Some people say they use it because they feel that otherwise they would start drinking again. One guy last night said he knew that if he smoked a joint, he would lose his self-control and go to the beer store. That one kind of surprised me... I was always the other way around, if I got drunk I wanted to get high, but not vice versa. For me, weed basically supplanted booze. I still drank, but not to get drunk.. I just drank cause I liked beer and getting a nice buzz to relax. I know I can't do that any more because I would eventually drink to get totally plastered and then I would be back at square one, waking up in the midst of a trashed life.

But weed.. it's a tricky question. I mean, there is no definite answer, it all depends on the person. At the moment I feel that I don't have to rule it out completely, but that at the first sign of unmanageability, it has to go. I feel that if I ever see an impact on my goals or in my progress in the program, it has to go. I honestly feel right now that I can fit it into my schedule if I choose. The way my life is going now, I know what I'm going to be doing 3 days from now, or next week on saturday. I may not know all the details, but I know about any important stuff I have to do. I feel that this gives me the power to say "I'll smoke a joint next saturday afternoon with some friends" and know that I won't mess up any other plans by doing it. The main cues to watch out for are the idea of wanting "more" right away, the idea of wanting to establish a regular pattern of use, and the shortening of the cycle so that I smoke it more often. I've told myself it can stay if it takes a back seat role as an occasional recreational activity, like playing pool or something or going bowling.

From my past experience with this kind of decision, I believe I'll fail and have to cut it out completely. But I'm willing to give it a shot. It would give me an amazing self-esteem boost if I knew I had conquered one of my previous addictions.

Plus, pot is just fun :o)

Ok, I need to start getting my day going. I'm a little behind schedule although since I slept in an hour, I'm surprised that I'm done this entry only half and hour after the usual time. I can eat breakfast just in time for 9am when I know most places open. It's time to plan out my day so I can get all these things done :o)

Au revoir.

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