2002-10-06 - 7:39 a.m.

Mind full.

I was just thinking about the past for a bit.. I was lost in the past while the computer was starting up.

I was remembering the night I first had a seizure from psilocybin. That night, I looked at Michelle as we sat holding hands on the couch and said solemnly "no more drugs". If I had followed through on the feeling I had at the time, things would have turned around from that point and we would have ended up living happily ever after. But of course, I did continue to use drugs, and I even took shrooms again and - surprise - had another seizure. The thought that I could control my drugs, or that if I just took a little less things would be fine, is a hallmark of someone who uses drugs to escape their life.

I was remembering about that because of how I had a cancer scare when one of my testicles hurt. I remembered having a mental conversation with my doctor and him asking me if I smoked. In the conversation, I said "I don't smoke cigarettes but I smoke marijuana". It was hard to even admit it in my mind, mostly because when I do that, I'm preparing what I'm going to say for real, and so saying it in my head meant I was mentally preparing to speak it out loud to the person in question. Well, the doctor asked when the last time was that I had smoked and I said "last night" or something like that, and I felt really shitty. Here I was worried I might have cancer, but I was still smoking. And did I quit after that? No. It was a long time before I actually got to see a doctor, and I still smoked just as much. The thought occurred to me once in a while, but I just brushed it off.

I'm so glad I don't act like that any more. I really have changed my ways. Back in the entry where I was talking about how I started watching porn again, I was talking about my first slip back into the old ways. Before, I would have continued to watch porn and lied to myself or come up with excuses when the time came that I thought about it. I know I would have remembered saying I was kicking that habit, and I know I would justify it, or think I would wind it down, or some other excuse, and would have kept right at it. But I'm not doing that now. I'm being honest with myself and I'm building myself up. I have a solid foundation of good behaviour, and I'm building a new person out of it. I can feel it working. I feel so much better :o)

Yesterday was a really good day. I started out by going shopping and gathering up a bunch of stuff I needed. I also got an oil change while I was out, right on schedule, another checkmark for Carl :o) I spent an hour in the grocery store and bought $79 worth of stuff... honestly I think it was mostly the $20 block of mozza I bought, and that is going to last me at least two months, so it's not that bad. But according to my food budget or $140 for the month, I have only have $60 left to spend for the next three grocery shopping trips. It's ok, I think I could live for the rest of the month without buying any groceries at all ;o) I really do have that much food in the house. Besides, I worked out how much of the $79 was stuff that I normally buy from week to week like milk, fruit, eggs, etc and it came to $12.

I got home, put all the stuff away, then grated mozzarella cheese. I grated cheese for a good half hour hehe. I wrapped up little piles of it into saran wrap and froze them individually. I'm glad I have that habit... I'll buy a ham, cut it up into pieces, and freeze parts, so I can eat a little bit at a time and still buy in bulk. It gives me more work when I get home from the grocery store, but it's well worth the effort.

After grocery shopping I went to Wal-Mart. There I got a new pair of boots that really rock, supplies for a Christmas project, and a toothbrush. I also got a little notebook for taking notes at AA meetings, and an organizer for the goal-related papers on my desk.

Aside from shopping and an oil change, I also cleaned up the wood and boxes that were still lying around the apartment and put them in storage. To top off the day's chores, I vacuumed the floor which really really really needed it. I think that is going to have to be a weekly task :oP Not that I mind.. I'm ok with vacuuming. It's cleaning the toilet that I don't like :oD

It looks really dark out. That's not a good sign.. by now I just see some pre-dawn light in the sky. I haven't checked the weather yet but I'm hoping that it will be a decent day because I want to go outside for a nice long walk. I can't believe I don't do that very often and I'm bound and determined to change my ways in that respect too. I have no reason not to do things I enjoy that are good for me. I know that the reason I don't is that I just end up doing what's easiest and most satisfying at the moment. Time to check the weather... Wow.. sunrise is listed as 8:03. I remember when it was quarter to eight. Hmph. I've been writing in here for a while then I guess. The weather right now is overcast which means no sunrise and it's supposed to rain all day. Joy. There go my plans for getting out for a walk. If I was serious about wishing I'd do things I like that are good for me, I'd go out and walk down the path by the creek before it starts raining. We'll see after breakfast.

After my chores were done yesterday, I headed over to Evelyn's to make pizza for people. It was great! I can't remember the last time I made pizza from scratch, and it's weird that I wouldn't have done it for myself, but I jumped at the chance to do it for others. Evelyn and Tanis are vegetarian so I bought a bunch of veggies for their pizza. Except for the broccoli, I liked every topping they put on their pizza, although I don't like quite so much onion. But all in all, I don't see why I shouldn't make veggie pizza once in a while. My pizza had pepperoni and some fried up spicy italian sausage on it :o) MmmmMm. That took most of the evening to make and eat, and then Rod showed up for some big book reading.

Our reading was again very insightful. I really like the small group discussions more than the large group discussions. I know there's more substance to be had the larger the group, but I also like the way I can comment 3 or 4 or 7 times about something, or even talk while I or someone else is reading, or interrupt, or whatever. It's not like the text is sacred; it was never meant that way. Without the rigors of a formal meeting, more personal insight can be gained. I really like it. I was hoping to be able to have another big book reading today, this time with Tanis out at the cascades. If only it wasn't raining! We'll have to see what can be done about the meeting though. I will phone her once my chores are done today.

Oh, one last note about yesterday. I left around 9:30, when I said I'd leave, even though it was in the middle of the reading/ study. I at first had decided to stay till the reading was done, but I forcibly changed my mind and decided to do what I knew I should.. go home and get to sleep. I did that and I was in bed just after 10:00. My body and my self thank me right now :o) I really did the right thing. I got the best of all worlds, there, and there's no reason why I can't continue that way. This dilligence stuff is right on .. hehehehe.

Ok, I'm off to eat breakfast and maybe go for a short walk. Today I have a lot of planning and goal review to do. I also slated some time for Christmas gift/project planning and Christmas card planning. It should be fun :o) At least I don't have laundry too. That's good, it means I can leave the house a lot sooner. Oh, and badminton tonight! I'm really looking forward to that considering the Tuesday night club was cancelled.

Enough! Entry over.

Au revoir.

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