2002-10-06 - 4:19 p.m.

when I had a nap today I dreamed of Michelle and remembered it was over in my dream. I had a clear memory of her as she was, not her face or her voice, but her whole self, that night we made love in the tent in her dad's backyard. When I dreamed it, it seemed like an age ago, but it has only been a few months.

Well, I might as well launch right into the review as I'm reading the first entry of the week now. I don't want to do the point form thing I did last time.. that was just, I don't know, too much labour and kind of missing the point of the review. So what I'm going to do instead is keep wordpad open and write for a while, then read the old entries for a while, then write, etc.

Monday morning I talked about how I briefly thought of writing my diary entry as being a form of work. I was wondering when this new life plan would change from being new and exciting to being just the same old and harder to keep up with. I guess it's telling the the underpinning of the new life plan is, in a word, dilligence. Hopefully that implies I'll keep it up :o) I really don't have much choice. We'll see if I mention this idea again throughout the week.

Well, I sure talked about a lot of different things on Monday. One point of interest was how I talked about sleeping in and how I had stopped doing it. I mentioned how hard it was to wake up at 6:30 every day and really stick to it. I also mentioned that I didn't think I could sleep in because I would feel too rotten because I need to "reach all my goals". Well, I did sleep in yesterday, although I was so unsure about the fact that I got up to check my goal sheet. I think I laid in bed an extra hour, but I'm curious to read yesterday's entry to see if I actually fell back asleep. This morning, after my entry, I went into the bedroom and just laid on my bed, at first just to rest. It felt damn good. I eventually crawled under the comforter and slept until 10:30. It was around 8:30 when I laid down. I even went to bed at 10:00 last night! I swear! Anyway, on one hand I don't feel bad about sleeping more today. I really think I needed it. On the other hand I worry that I am already feeling a lot less seriousness and urgency.. obviously.. than I was only 7 days ago.

I also talked about Michelle in this entry. Specifically, I talked about the conversation I wanted to have with her, and how I wanted to apologize for being so selfish, etc, and tell her how I felt about going to visit Kris. It was weird to read that in retrospect, since I've had the conversation in question. Bleah. Especially bothersome is the line "Now I feel like I could have something positive to offer Michelle in the new year." Double bleah. Remember the chings from the last diary review? Well, that line needs the opposite of a ching. Maybe a splat.

Well, there is "And if not, then I'll be leaving the summer of 2003 anyway." a few lines later. That sort of makes up for it a bit. It's not like I was committed to trying to be with her, just that I was hopeful.

And two positive notes to finish off the entry :o) Actually, I could say there are three, because on the subject of Michelle I said "I'm not really getting anywhere here... I don't know." Ching! And then I mention wanting to "carry the positive energy from this weekend forward and work really hard this week." Ching! I did exactly that. And as predicted, it did make the days go by quickly, and I do feel much better for having something to show for myself at work. Last, but not least, I do have extra money in the bank. :o)

Right away on tuesday I talk about Michelle. Specifically, about having a lot of imaginary conversations with her, generally managing to sway her to consider being with me again. To my credit, I went so far as to say "But anyway, the point stands, when I had these imaginary conversations, it was like I was watching another side of myself and secretly laughing at myself for thinking this stuff". :o) Yup. It was definitely a laughable idea. At least I wasn't being a complete moron.

I said that I wanted to be honest with myself that I was still torn over Michelle. Well, I can safely say now that even in my heart of hearts I'm not entertaining the idea of us getting back together. The process started a while back, and today I really feel like I'm thinking of the future with someone else. Michelle just isn't going to change enough to become the right person for me any time soon.

Wow.. I go on hear to relate the revelation I got from reading my favourite story in the AA big book: "Acceptance was the answer". I know that's the title now because we read it in a meeting this past week. It's a good thing I put some relevant quotes in my entry, because there were some I had forgotten already. It reminded me of what a member had said in the meeting where we read it.. he said it was a story he read every other day. What a great idea.

Another splat follows soon after though. I say I doubt I would be able to go through an imaginary conversation without thinking "hey, what am I doing here, am I focusing on a problem?" and "does this problem have an answer?" I may know this, and I may have tried, at least some of the time, to live by these statements and philosophies, but I haven't exactly stopped obsessing. Hence the comment about reading the story every second day being a great idea.

Ok, then a good bit about talking with Niki. This is a situation that I think has gone rather well.. at least a lot better than I had feared it was going to go right after she told me off. I mention how I waited for her to talk to me first: "I showed good patience there and I think I handled the situation well." Ching! It's good to give myself a pat on the back when I realize I did good. I need to encourage smart behaviour. Lord knows it doesn't happen all that often ;o) (side note, remember the entry about how I disliked using phrases that used god related concepts? Well, I purposely decided to write 'Lord knows' anyway, just so I could say this :oP )

Another spot :o) I mention how I'm enjoying playing my guitar and then I say "I think I should definitely focus on writing sheet music for the little ditties I play because it will help my development immensely. That's one for the weekly goal sheet :o)" Ching! I added exactly that to my weekly goal list this morning :o) Hmm, something's telling me I should write my weekly diary review before I write out my weekly goal list. Sounds smart. S-M-R-T? Hopefully not! hehe. :oP

Why not? hehe

Wednesday, I talk about staying up late the night before because I visited with Evelyn and Tanis. I also talked about looking for a sponsor and that I was considering Marcel. I'm still considering him, and I've added Murray and John to the list. I'll keep it at those three for the moment and see if anyone slides off or anyone new looks promising.

Hahah.. lol. I'm getting a good laugh out of reading my description of trying to get up that morning. I had just finished writing down how I had left Evelyn's at 1:30 am and .. it's just so funny, but I shouldn't repeat it all here, I mean I can just go back to the entry index. It's pretty funny, though. I can be a mean bastard to myself, but I need it some times.

I wrote about going to fetch water for the office. I did that, and it's just another little tidbit to tuck under my belt. I really am making plans and sticking to them. The wonder! Wow...

I talked about posting a picture of the sunrise in a place I reserved with two horizontal lines. As I read on, I worried I would forget about that entry when I got the pics developed. I still have to finish the roll, get it developed, then get the pics scanned. I think I'll ask Smyk to use his scanner some time. I'll bring him a potato as payment. LOL ahh sigh. I'm also remembering the dream where I zapped him with my mental powers.

I also talk about Mark some. I mentioned how I needed to talk to him about the rent. I did, and now I'm going to mark the days he said he'd give me money on the calendar. He'll know I'm serious.

Hmm, I end Thursday's entry with a discussion about relationships. I think I've done well in treating my burgeoning (whoah.. is that a word? ... ... 'to grow and flourish' .. ok, my faith in myself as a walking dictionary is confirmed ;o) relationship with Tanis as a friendship. I've really made the effort to avoid thinking of her as a potential girlfriend and I can honestly say that it's making it easier to spend time with her. I like her as a friend and I enjoy spending time with her. There's no reason at all why I shouldn't and a lot of reasons why I should. I think we can really help each other through some of the tough times ahead, and for once in my life I may get away with not screwing up! Imagine!!! Just for a second! haha.. ok, seriously...

Wow.. the whole entry Friday was about how I was feeling in regards to the conversation with Mich. I have nothing to say about it except that it was rather hard to read.. I kept wanting to skim it. I read it all though. No comment, though. It's too fresh, too soon.

Hmm..next day is yesterday.. Saturday. One interesting point is that I talked about how many things I had to do and then I said "I have to be done all that and pick Tannis [sic] up by 3:45 but I'm quite confident that I can do it. I feel like I know my limits and my habits and can estimate how long it takes me to do things." Ching! I did all that and made it to her house on time.

Hmm. I had forgotten. I mention here that I wish I knew where my old family guy and futurama CDs are. I wrote that I thought Michelle took them, and now I'm reminded of Evelyn telling me not to go there when I mentioned that I thought Michelle took the bottle of Nizoral when she left, even though she couldn't use that shampoo. Ev was right, there's nothing to be gained by even thinking about how fair or unfair it might have been for Michelle to take stuff. It's all in the past and the only thing I'll gain by thinking about it is stress.

I'm going to skip reading this morning's entry. I have to go to the bathroom and it's almost time to leave for badminton. I don't want to be late picking Jamie up.

It's been a good week. I feel really positive about life :o) I have a lot of things to look forward to.

And this review was fun.

Au revoir.

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