2002-10-11 - 7:37 a.m.

Life feels like it's settling into a new groove. I'll call it a groove instead of a rut because it's a good thing now hehehe :o) I'm comfortable with the number and size of goals I have for myself, but in the sense that I feel I can accomplish them and in the sense that I feel I am accomplishing enough.

I feel happy in my skin. Once again my happiness isn't depending on any outside source, but comes from satisfaction with my actions and future. Also, I'm accepting of the future and what it might bring. I know I'll be happy come what may, and it really seems like nothing particularly bad is going to happen. I still have problems to work on, but I know I am working on them and that they will get better. What more can I do?

That's something I haven't felt in a long time... satisfaction with my actions. I know that was driving me nuts leading up to the night I blew up. It wasn't so much a piling up of negative actions as a deepening pit of lacking actions. Kind of like standing next to a mountain whose job it is for you to climb, and seeing the mountain get taller and taller while you stand still.

Now I feel like I'm trudging up the slope, one foot in front of the other, and by not concentrating on the peak except for regular glances upward to plan my path, I'm keeping my focus on what matters at the time, placing my feet right. I know if I watched the peak it wouldn't seem to get any closer, but I also know that if I don't watch it and just keep trudging, then one day I will look down from the top. I know that mostly because there are other people at or near the top and that is how they got there.. through hard work and dilligence, not obsession about completing the climb.

Ok, enough philosophical thought for this morning.

I'm installing the latest build of my company's program on my home machine for testing purposes. For a bit, I wondered if it would be ok to run the install while I was typing this entry, cause usually installers make you reboot your computer and stuff. But then I realized, hey, I wrote this installer, so no, I won't have to do anything stupid like reboot my machine :o)

See? I'm reaping the fruits of my labours. Because I worked extra hard on this project, I don't have to worry about rebooting my computer or even carefully pick which directory I download the installer to. Anyway....

I talked to Michelle yesterday. It was a short chat, basically just for me to say that I agreed with her about what she said the last time, that I was abusive with Kris. I also brought up the question of my ever visiting Kris and saying goodbye. I got Michelle to agree that if Kris ever asks why I never came back that she would say I wanted to visit. I feel much better now that these things have been communicated.

I also told her that I wouldn't be talking to her until the new year. I'm sure she's happy about that idea and it's definitely the best thing for me too. Just this morning I was thinking of how much I obsessed over each conversation Michelle and I have. It's always the last conversation we have, running through my mind. If we don't have a conversation for a long time, then the "last" one can fade away and not bother me any more.

Stu came over last night. I was supposed to go to Ardie's to install the memory I bought for him but he .. well his life is a little whacked right now. Both his kids were placed in homes or a home, I'm not sure, but anyway last night was a visiting night and so our plans were interrupted. I'll be going on Monday after work. Honestly, I feel bad for him, but it's the best thing. He wasn't succeeding very well in single fatherhood. His 14 year old daughter was turning into a stoner who spent days on end away from home so.. it's for the best. I hope he'll catch on to some of his shortcomings and work on them but I don't get the impression he's that kind of guy. I hope so though.

So yeah, Stu called right after that and since my night had just been freed I was glad for something to do. We went out and played pool for a while (I almost ran the table on him once hehe.. nasty me. I've still got it though ;o) After which we went to Ron's. That wasn't as exciting as all that.. we wasted a lot of money in the hunting game. Bleah. The gun doesn't shoot straight. That always bugs me about those games.

After Ron's we headed back here for some wanton destruction in Grand Theft Auto 3. I to finish the first mission for the second city but had no luck. Too bad. But anyway, the highlight of the night for me was sitting there playing my guitar. I had so much fun! Stu was playing GTA so I figured I'd let him rampage around for a while and bring out my guitar for fun. I realized that I've steadily added enough little ditties that I can play for quite a while without repeating myself. I'm constantly adding more stuff too, so I don't see why this pattern should end.

That's one thing that always bugged me about Mike's guitar playing. He would download tabs to a song he liked, learn the fingering, then tell me he knew the song. Then he would proceed to whack the strings and I would have no idea what he was up to or what song he was playing, and it would sound like shit. Whenever he played by himself, he would play short parts of songs he knew, over and over and over, always the same short parts to the same songs. He did this so he would sound good at playing those parts, but he wasn't getting the point of making music.

Every time I heard him play the guitar, I would hear the same song segments. He wasn't even very good at playing those, so I just wasn't impressed. If he had at least come up with a few chords or chord progressions of his own then maybe he would have caught my attention. I don't know. I don't mind playing other people's songs, but I don't restrict myself just to them.

Another thing I realized last night as that all the ditties I play have a different feel to them. I play my guitar regularly at a certain time of day, so what I come up with depends on how I feel that particular day. Some ditties are slow and serene, some are slow and sad, some a jivy, some just sound cool. A lot of different rhythms and expressions... I'm seeing how making music really happens. I bet in a year or two I could write some decent songs. Once I start writing out the stuff I'm playing on paper, that is. I need to learn and understand the forms that I play and translate them from sounds into concepts. It's fun :o)

Oh! Mark gave me money yesterday. I was really glad he stuck to what he said, although I wish I hadn't had to talk to him about it. He brought up a good point about our living arrangement, though. He's paying me rent but I'm officially saying I live here alone. As in he doesn't feel comfortable around the apartment because he's technically not living there, even though he's paying rent. I have to talk to Anja and ask her what would happen if I wanted to get a roommate to share the cost. I have to call her anyway about the company layoffs and the possibility of me having to leave early. I told Mark about it yesterday and so now he has to start looking for a new place :o( Oh well, such is life. I can't control what happens at my company.

That means I have to ask Tom about when the soonest is that I could be laid off. I have to ask him Today. I've already put it off a few days.. sigh.

Time to get on with my morning. I need to do some testing with my computer to find out more about these problems with the app. Hopefully there's not too much more to finish up!!! Argh.

Ok, on with my day. Onward and upward.

Au revoir.

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