2002-10-14 - 8:59 a.m.

Hmm.. I slept in again today. Till 8:00 am. This was one of those days where I woke up and decided to stay in bed just a few more minutes. I wasn't going to fall back asleep. I remember looking up at the clock and seeing 6:45 and thinking "I only stayed in bed an extra 15 minutes" and also thinking that I would still put a checkmark next to my "wake up at 6:30" goal. Groan.

The next time I looked at the clock it was 8. I do remember making the decision to just stay in bed instead of getting up, but I know that decision was easier to make because I failed to feel that I had to get up right away. I felt bad about falling asleep, but I didn't feel bad about not getting up. I justified my actions by thinking that I wanted to stay warm, that it felt so nice to lay there. But then what ended up happening is that my will was softened by me being half-asleep again so it became that much easier to think it wasn't that important for me to get up.

So anyway, here I am writing my diary entry. I'm wondering exactly how bad it is to miss a goal like waking up. To be honest, I think it's the 3rd or 4th time in the last two weeks (or has it been three?) The thing that bugs me is the frequency. At first I was good for some 12 days, then I slept in. Then I was good for 5 or 6 days, then I slept in. Then I was good for the next week and then this weekend I slept in twice in one weekend. I mean come on, there's a pattern there.

So I was thinking in the shower that maybe I should move my wake up time forward by half an hour. 7:00 seems reasonable enough, and I was starting to think of how I could get through my morning routine a bit quicker instead of dawdling. Funny how I completely forgot that I had already had this discussion with myself and I had decided definitely against pushing my wake-up time any later. But this morning in the shower, fresh with the guilt of having slept in and facing the choice of admitting I screwed up or trying to make the future a bit easier for me, I wimped out and chose the easier way.

Except that I know I would end up sleeping in after 7:00 too.

I'm writing all this in retrospect, because when I got to my bedroom and did my goal assessment, I checked off "lights out at 11:00" for last night, put an X next to "up at 6:30" for today, put a checkmark next to "made bed" for today, then listed the rest of the goals I want to accomplish today because there are some extras like the diary review I didn't finish yesterday and the "choose a programming project" goal from last week that I also didn't finish yesterday. However, when I got to the "light out" goal, I wrote 10:30 instead of 11:00. Hmmmmmmm. Interesting

I wonder if my subconscious is more aware of the past and of my own decisions than it lets on? Did I just know that was the right thing to do at the time? I wonder what part of me controlled my thought at that moment, but anyway it lines up exactly with what I was thinking while writing this entry, that I had already thought this whole thing through and that pushing my bed time earlier was the answer. Besides, my bed time is supposed to be at 10:00. The only reason I wrote lights out at 11:00 is that I know I don't always get home by 10:00. I'd rather see some Xs next to "lights out at 10:30" because AA meetings run late than to see some next to "up at 6:30" because I'm lazy.

There's something I think I tried to make myself forget while I was writing all that. This morning a big part of the reasoning I used to convince myself to stay in bed was that I was warm and I just wanted to stay warm a little longer. I don't know if I even wrote that. Anyway, when I thought that this morning, it reminded me of when Michelle and I were together. I can't remember how many mornings I told her that I wanted to stay warm a little longer, and that I thought it, and that she tried to tell me to get up. For the longest time, she tried all sorts of ways of getting me out of bed, and I just wouldn't.. I'd fall back asleep.

I'd always tell her that I wasn't going to fall back asleep or that I'd be up in 10 minutes or whatever other excuse I could come up with not to have to get up at the moment. Meanwhile she was up with Kris trying to get the day started. I remember her saying it bothered her and asking me to get up with the family. I wish I had listened. I missed out on a lot. I really feel like that was the beginning (or added to the beginning) of a major split in our lives.

For a while there, I was going to be later than her and getting up later. That's not good. That's what my parents started doing and they drifted pretty far apart. I think that's what happened to Michelle and I. I tried fairly hard to start getting up, but if I'm to be really honest with myself, it wasn't nearly enough to see any results. I think it's fair to say I thought I tried hard at the time but in reality I was being lazy and selfish. Quitting pot would have helped a lot. That is, it would have helped if I'd stop to think of the problem long enough to realize there was one. No, I was just content to keep on going the way things were, because they were fine with me, without really considering what Michelle was saying to me, that it bothered her.

:o(

Ok, I can do some good things for myself today to make up for lapsing into selfishness and laziness. Just because I was like that in the past doesn't mean I can't change. Starting tonight, 10:30 is the latest I will be awake.. obviously this idea of just willingly going to bed right at 10:00 isn't working out so well. I'll move my lights out time ahead to 10:00 if I have to.. I don't care. This is really important.

Yesterday was a good day. I did laundry and quite a few planning chores. My finances are looking good.. I'm not that far off track for my food spending after all. I'm thinking of splurging on some bacon actually cause god does that sound good. I think I need to buy a ham first though, and that's expensive enough to count for the only meat purchase of the next shopping trip. We'll see.

As far as goal planning, that went well too. I'm a little disappointed at how many of last weeks' goals I didn't even look at until Sunday. I think the goal list has to be placed somewhere where I'll read it every night. Maybe I should just move the calendar into my room and do all that time management stuff in one place. I don't know, we'll see.

I tend to say that a lot.. we'll see. I think I mean that I don't really want to think about it right now. Maybe it's a bad habit. Heh.. "we'll see".

And who's the "we" anyway? How about "I'll see". Huh? I don't know.

So yeah Tanis called yesterday and we ended up spending the afternoon together going shopping at thrift stores and hanging out at her place. I really needed to get out of the apartment and I had a very relaxing and enjoyable afternoon. It was nice to have that peace of mind that comes from having worked hard early in the day so that I can really enjoy being lazy and doing nothing productive for the afternoon. Plus she has comfy furniture unlike my barren living room setup.

I bought some utensils at the thrift store. I forgot to look for masking tape for the cross-stitch project though. Oh! That's another thing. Man, I looked at that cross-stitch and its instructions for the first time yesterday. I don't think I knew what I was getting into when I bought it. First of all, it's way bigger than I thought, and second.. it's so hard! I'm really doubting if I'll be able to do it at all, and if I'll be able to get it done in time. It's going to be a major time investment. Since I'll be doing it first, it may end up being all I do for that particular Christmas present, but I hope not. Anyway, we'll see about that one. There I go again with the we'll see.

So ok, now I feel like I've written enough in this entry. Just saying this as a note to my future self that I'm getting into the bad habit of putting an expectation on myself for length of entry.

It's time for me to go eat some breakfast. I want to do my diary review before noon and I have to spend some time to choose a programming project. It's going to have to be something short because I'm going to need all my time for the cross-stitch! Ha... anyway. Eat.

Au revoir.

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