2002-10-19 - 10:50 a.m.

Wow. I completely forgot to write a diary entry this morning. I was just clipping stray hairs on my beard and I realized I had forgotten and I was shocked. I don't know exactly how my brain can just forget something that I've done every morning for almost two months! Oh well, it doesn't matter when in the day I write it. I just worry that I would have forgotten completely about it though. It wouldn't be the end of the world, but still. It seems strange.

This morning I finally "got" the song "Sweet Surrender" by Sarah MacLachlan. I've loved that song for .. wow.. time flies.. at least 6 years now, and it wasn't until this morning that I was able to fully understand what she means.

"I miss the little things...

I miss everything about you.

It doesn't mean much.

It doesn't mean anything at all.

The life I've left behind me

Is a cold room."

Wow.. I even had to listen to the song just now to remember the last bit. I knew it this morning though, as I sang along. It was one of those things where I was just getting it as it came and it made perfect sense.

When I finally was able to let go of Michelle and stop thinking that in the future we had to back together, I got the freedom to start living my life again. It was truly a sweet surrender. And the way Sarah sings it really captures the complexity of the feelings.. the feelings of joy tainted so strongly by... not sorrow but wistfulness. The feelings of release and of freedom, but at the cost of dead dreams. What a beautiful song.

I don't feel like writing anything. This morning I set up my speakers so the sound is more around me than to one side and I can reach the volume knob on the sub without getting up from bed. Hopefully I'll hear the bass better too since the sub is right at the head of the bed on the floor. I may put it under the bed if it still isn't loud enough. I probably forgot to mention in here that I had brought my speakers home from the office and set them up in my room.

I've been listening to music to help me get to sleep at night. Now I seem to remember having mentioned it before because I said I was using music to block out the sounds from other apartments at night. Anyway, I also compiled a little mp3 list of ocean sounds and whale song that I'm going to burn sometime soon as a sleep aid. I want to give a copy to Tanis... I think she'd appreciate it.

I didn't do much yesterday. I biked to work and back... um, work was good again. Tom was here and we had a meeting with a company based in Toronto that does online learning. Our product actually fits quite well with theirs, but only in the download manager sense. It seems like the less we think of marketing our stuff as a video player, the more sales opportunities we see. I think the video player idea is hopefully dying off. We can do a lot more stuff like version control and seamless updates delivered in the background that would be useful to businesses.

Other than that, I basically had dinner while watching a new Family Guy and then went to my AA meeting. It was a strange one because we read the 10th tradition and no one seemed to have much to say about it. Pretty much everyone passed on comments and I got in my car at the record hour of 9:30. I didn't really feel satisfied with the meeting, though. I don't know, I don't really have any complaints either though.

One thing of note is that if I want to be honest with myself I have to admit that I'm not doing a good job of thinking of Tanis only as a friend. It's not that I have any plans for a relationship, rather I'm still actively avoiding or suppressing one. Instead, I just want to stay open with myself and not try to downplay the little warning signs I've noticed. Like last night, after the meeting, I got a twinge of jealousy when I saw her talking with Dan. If I really considered her as only a friend, then I wouldn't get even a twinge of jealousy. That was rather upsetting and I just walked away and went home, lost in thought.

I mean, how does this happen? I know that I'm moving away soon. I know that I don't want a relationship with anyone right now so soon after what happened with the last one. I know it would be a bad idea and that any joy I would get out of any relationship now would be more than made up for in pain when it had to end because of me moving, or in more pain from me not moving and missing out on all the benefits of moving in with my family.

On one hand I think I should be living in the moment, and not think about what's going to happen after I move down south, but on the other hand I feel like I need to stay focused on the fact that my life is going to change soon and that I can't get into any lasting commitments of any kind in this city.

So.. all in all it's kind of a minor thing but I'm extremely averse to just sweeping it under the carpet. I think it's a far better plan to write it out in my diary for all my future selves to see and for me to stay aware of. It's a trap just waiting for me and I'd be best to take heed of the warning.

Ok.. I have to pack my shit up and head out to the LAN party. I should call Jamie and OH! I have to write a note to call Dave on the calendar tomorrow. That's the third time I've remembered today and I can't keep forgetting!!!! NOW!! WRITE IT NOW!!!!

Ok, done. Now I have to remember to call Jamie. Or rather I should just do that now. NOW! Ok ;o) And I should think of food to bring to the LAN party. I have the feeling I'm just going to spend the $5 on eating out or ordering in. It's not a crime.

So, off I go.

Bye.

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