2002-10-20 - 12:54 p.m.

Dear Diary,

Wow.. I'm setting lateness records today. I slept in until 10:00 and I'm starting this diary entry at 11:15. Just for posterity.

Hmm.. Some program was accessing the internet without showing up in the task bar. I downloaded and installed ZoneAlarm just now and it turns out this Brasil.pif file was rerouting traffic or something. I was probably a node in a DDoS network for a while there.. fuckers.

Mark and I talked a lot this morning. In fact up until just now he was talking to me. It turns out he thinks he has a drinking problem, but "isn't sure". He told me he had it under control before. This morning he tells me that he was in AA for a while, 5 years or something like that, and that it didn't work for him. I feel sorry for him. I think he's one of those people who's consitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.

When I read that first part of page 58 where it says someone who fails to follow the steps can't be honest themselves, he asked me then how someone who was honest with themselves could do the steps and yet fall back into drinking. Hmph. That question kind of answers itself but he wouldn't get it. It's the hardest thing to be honest with yourself about the fact that you can't be honest with yourself. You have to let go of a lot of your excuses.

For some reason, the cursor keeps getting choppy as I type and it's annoying as hell. I remember this is why I had uninstalled ZoneAlarm in the past, but really, it shouldn't slow down a gigahertz system. It's not like it's doing all that much. It's bad enough that I'm going to reboot and see if that helps. This stupid Brasil file is still running. Is it any coincidence that it showed up in the msconfig run= line right next to the BearShare spyware/adware? Hmmmmm.

To be continued...

Ok, I'm back. I almost forgot that I had laundry in the machine too so it was a good thing I had to reboot. Everything is much smoother now. That's good. I should start a virus scan too...

Crap. The virus updater wants to restart the computer too... :(

And Mark is begging a ride.

To be continued...

Ok, man what an ordeal just to get through a diary entry. I hope I get it done before noon. I still have some weekly planning stuff to do today, and I should try to get some of the tasks I assigned myself for last week finished too. I'm calling Dave at 1pm to see about going to fix his computer and then badminton is at 6:30. That's what I get for sleeping in so long ;o) Well, I don't really feel all that bad, though. I think I need to slow down on the number of things I'm expecting myself to do.

My first goal is "simplify" and that applies very well right now. I shouldn't have too many things on the go at a time. I've known for a long time now that I should only be working on a few things, and not start any new projects until I finish the old ones. That implies that the project I'm working on is the best possible choice at the time. That way I'm always spending my time in the best possible way. The trick to that is sufficient forethought and planning to be able to pick good projects.

Speaking of projects, I'm fearful that I'm not going to get too far on this scrapbook present. I've gone as far as picking the pictures that will go into it and buying some of the supplies, but I still have to get some negatives developped and I still have to start the cross-stitch. To start the cross-stitch I need some masking tape and I've forgotten a couple of times that I wanted to do grab some from work. I can make myself a note for tomorrow.

Ok, note made. I think that's one of the things I'm doing best lately, making reminder notes as soon as I think of the thing I need to remember. I feel like someone with a short-term memory problem, but I don't know if I'm any different than anyone else. Hmmm.

No viruses found yet.

Yesterday was the LAN party. I did grocery shopping before I went though so the day wasn't a total write-off ;o) I also slept in, but only until 8:00 I think. I didn't sleep much later than that today, I just lazed around in bed for another few hours. I can be so lazy sometimes...

Come to think of it, I've slept in for the last 5 days that I didn't have to work. All three days last weekend... no wait.. I didn't sleep in on Saturday last weekend. So 4 out of the last 5 days I didn't have to be up at 6:30. Anyway, this morning I decided that from now on my wake-up time will be 7:00. I'm going to try it for a week and see if I have enough time in the mornings.

I can honestly say that 10:30 is the earliest I can aim for to be in bed and still make it every day of the week. I'll still be late some days but it's better to aim for a target I can reach than to continually disappoint myself and be tired. There are just too many things that keep me out of the house past 10:00.. Tuesday badminton and Friday AA for example, which are things that I can't change.

Ok.. system just froze for a second there. I'm going to have to spend some time on it soon. Need to install windows 2000. Need to set up development tools at home. Need to start on programming project. I should come up with categories of projects. I have a computer project, a music project, and a christmas present project. I would like to have an art project, and by default I have several game "projects" like beating Diablo or making a lap of WCW 53M 7W7 in under 1:00 in Insane. Maybe I should do a multi-lap race instead of always starting from scratch. Worth a shot, but not right now. Man, this paragraph has way too many topics.

So.. there isn't much else to write about. I'm not in the mood to write. I think I can officially pronounce that I'm tired of writing diary entries ;o) I'll stick with it, though. Not going to change this any time soon. It's too good for me.

So, on to the diary review. I'll just read over the past week's entries now.

ps virus scan has now searched 40,000 files in 30,000,000,000 bytes (and it's still not done). Man, things have changed since I got my 486!

Alrighty. Well.. so that's the past week. I want to say some things but I want to write nothing. I want to comment on how it felt to read about how I didn't appreciate Michelle's efforts to bring me back into the family. It feels shitty to recall just how I took her for granted and assumed she would always be there, and by doing that I was starting to lean on her more and more and just take from her without giving back.

And then in unrelated thoughts, I read about how I'm not doing many of the tasks I assign myself and I'm falling behind in my projects.

Then I read about how I slept in and how I see an increasing frequency of sleeping in.

And then I read about how I ate breakfast before writing my entry and it was weird, and then the next day I did it again, and then the next day I completely forgot to write an entry in the morning.

I have to stay dilligent on the small things. The little things are the thin edge of the wedge.

I read about Tanis. It all seems so distant and yet it was only within the past week. I read about how I know I don't want a relationship and it would be a bad thing considering how soon it is after the last one. That doesn't fit well with the thoughts I've had that I wish I could have a relationship with her. I tended to think of the reason against being that I'm moving away soon, but the bigger reason should be and is that I am still not over the last person. Gah. (To borrow a phrase)

And I read about Mark. I read about bitching about him, and I read bitching about him. And I remember this morning telling him that it's just a problem with me, that it's my own flaw that I tend to bitch about anything anyone else does that is slightly outside of my expectation. I need to make some tea and .. what read the big book? Yeah.. the chapter on acceptance. The story of acceptance.. Whatever.

Buh-bye.

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