2002-10-26 - 9:09 a.m.

Good morning.

Continuing in my usual trend, I slept in today seeing as I didn't have to get up for work. I did get in late the night before and I know I wasn't asleep by 11:45 although I zonked out soon after that. It may be understandable that I'm tired enough to sleep in, but I wonder when I'll learn to do the things I want myself to do in the long run instead of satisfying my immediate desires.

I got a surprise invitation to Tanis' last night for dinner and cookies :o) She makes the best cookies and I have to steal her recipe. They have oatmeal, raisins, chocolate chips, almond slivers, and sunflower seeds. I don't know what else is in them but my mouth is already watering (literally hehe) thinking about eating some of these luscious beauties after they came out of her oven.

We went to the meeting afterwards and I thought it was great and had a fun time, but Tanis got upset about various things. I felt really awkward and unable to help her because I know enough about her situation to know that she needs to find an inner strength and resilience to withstand the inevitable chaos that is going to come at her from the outside. She doesn't need people to comfort her, she needs to figure out that she can go on without necessarily caring what everyone else is doing.

Regardless, she was really sad last night and I just kept cleaning the clubhouse. I don't think it would have been right for me to attempt to comfort her, really. At least not in that situation. Gladly, Eileen was there and Suzanne gave her a hug, so the day was saved. Tanis and I have yet to have a talk about certain things and let's just say there are awkward moments once in a while. I feel like I know her well although I've hardly spent any time with her.

I look at Tanis as a good person for me to spend time with because I can relax and release some tension and talk about important life problems with someone who is in the same boat. I also feel like I'm the same to her, and it's nice to be needed and appreciated in that sense.

I was pretty slack at work yesterday. I did get a modicum of work done but I was far prouder of my new high score in Impossible Mission. I also found myself downloading some porn. That's the second day now and I'm kind of watching myself with a morbid fascination. It's like being outside your body and watching it open the stereotypical horror-movie door and saying "noooooo! don't dooooooo it!" but somehow wanting it to. Indescribable at some level, but worthy of trying to record so that maybe I can understand. I see myself just deleting it all and forgetting about it, but the root problem won't have gone away. God I need to get laid.

Alrighty, on to today then. It's a rainy day and a perfect day to stay in and work on projects. I need to spend at least a few hours on the cross-stitch. It's lain dormant far too long and it's very much in danger of not getting enough attention from me to survive as a Christmas present. I've already thought to myself that if the present doesn't get done in time, it can be a birthday gift for the girl. I think that would be nice, too. Either way, it will get done and that's the important thing. I'd rather have it done right and last a lifetime than rush it just so it can be ready for Christmas.

I'm done. I want to eat and be lazy. I don't want to think. Buh-bye.

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