2002-09-11 - 12:51 p.m.

Hmm.. It is almost 1pm and I have done less work than I did yesterday. This morning, when I wrote that my goal was to work at 1/2 of my potential today, I thought in the back of my mind that I was being too easy on myself with such a modest goal.

Luckily, I thought in the back of the back of my mind that the goal was actually not too easy, so I left it as is.

And that's a good thing cause I really haven't done much work yet.

Funny, while I was biking in to work, all I could think of was how I'd like to make these amazing software projects that would revolutionize the world, and then I got to thinking that it would be just as hard to actually do that as it is to actually work when I get to the office.

Hmmm... strange. It's such a hard thing to define, the feeling that I have sitting here right now. I mean, while I was riding my bike to work today I pictured "the office" in a particular way, and I could see myself working there, and trying to psych myself up to say that I would get a lot done, but when I get here, I find that it's not the place I thought it was.

At first I was able to launch right into work and start on the right path, but before I knew it I was trolling diaryland looking for interesting things to read and keep myself occupied with.

So.. the point of writing this?

Well, I'm avoiding the point, and you'll see why in a second.

I decided that to waste a little more time I'd write in my diary, the lie to myself being that I wanted to record my disappointment with myself.

I actually almost stopped short of logging in to write this, thinking I should just get to work, but then I lied to myself again and told myself I'd just write a short entry.

Regardless, here is what I thought of writing when I first got the urge to sign in: "I know that if I don't work dilligently for the rest of the day, I will be disappointed with myself. I also know that right now I am fighting a bad dislike for work and an extreme sense of lethargy. I could write ten thousand words about this feeling I've known so well all my life, this pure stubborness that flows from within and diverts my pure intentions away from things that will serve me well because they aren't fun at the moment.

But I have the choice, at this moment to truly not disappoint myself. I can sign off diaryland, close down Internet Explorer and not let myself get off track again for the next 4 hours. In that time I can accomplish plenty of programming and have a sense of peace when I go home, knowing that I accomplished my goal of the day.

If I don't do this, I will suffer by making myself feel bad for not working, as well as by having to do this work tomorrow, which will lead to more feelings of self-dislike when I have to explain to my boss why things aren't done.

Of course it seems so obvious when it's stated that way.. I think I just wanted to rehearse.. to say it out loud so I would get on the right track. Here's wishing me luck."

Future self, when you read this tonight, I hope I didn't disappoint you.

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