2002-09-11 - 8:34 a.m.

Dear Diary,

Well, I'm a little off routine today. I'm thinking that's a good thing, at least for now.

I made myself go to AA last night. It wasn't exactly like I had to force myself at the last minute, but I did have to fight a depressed feeling that I just didn't want to go anywhere and I should just crawl into my bed and stay there. As I was expecting, it was just the perfect meeting for me at the time. It was all about the problems I had in my relationship with Michelle and the problems I have in dealing with the loss of our relationship now. It really helps to hear what everyone has to say, what everyone chooses to open up their hearts and share.

I was at about 1/4 potential at work yesterday. I say that because I forced myself to do some really simple tasks and they just kind of flowed naturally into some serious work. I'm making it my goal today to get to at least 1/2 potential and hopefully by next week I'll be firing on all cylinders.

I'm really worried that the company isn't going to make it much longer. It feels like we're on our last legs but we just aren't being told so. It's probably been like this far longer than I know. I think one of the problems is that Tom really doesn't have much of an idea what a good software program should do, or how to make it big in the software business. He doesn't have much of a foothold on the idea. Maybe he needs to download and use more little utilities to see how little software houses get started and the kinds of things the market needs right now. Maybe I could do that.

Maybe I should make a goal to research and suggest at least 3 software packages that fit closely enough into what we've designed that they'd be worthwhile alternatives. Who knows.. but anyway, starting by working consistently at the office is the way to go.

On the depression front, I had my first semi-normal day yesterday. When I got home I crawled straight into bed to give you an idea of how I felt. I remember thinking that I wasn't really living life by doing that.. I pictured myself in time-lapse photography, stagnating in my bed, and thought to myself I was doing more dying than living. So I got out of bed and went on the computer in search of friends. My mom talked to me and we ended up talking till just before my meeting, which was nice. We basically exchanged pleasantries and she said all the things anybody could be expected to say. I don't think either of us really knows the other any more. But the love is there.. and we said some pretty unusual things last night like "I need you" "I'm there for you" and "I love you". :o)

I also started talking to Niki last night before my meeting but my dastardly internet cut out at the precise moment she was going to talk to me after getting off the phone, so she thought I took off on her. We did end up chatting after my meeting though, and that was a really great talk. I had by far the most normal and happy thoughts of the day while I was talking to her. I practically forgot I was supposed to be depressed. It really helped to talk to such a good friend. I went to bed late (after 12:00) from talking to her but I fell asleep quickly and slept soundly so it was all good. Mind you I decided to sleep in an hour this morning, which explains the later entry date and the fact that I ate breakfast before typing this, but.. as I said, it's all good. I still have time to put jam on my last piece of toast and drink my OJ in peace at the sunny window before I hop on my bike to head out for the day.

What do I really have to complain about? Time to stand up. It may take me a try or two, but I know it's what I have to do, and I know that sunny meadow will be there for me to walk into.

Time to go...

Oh.. it's september 11 again. Well, I should probably steal the diary entries from my last diary and tack them onto this one somehow eventually. I don't know.. I don't suppose my old one is going anywhere. But I had some pretty good thoughts collected from around diaryland on that day, and some serious thoughts of my own.

I wonder what the day will bring. Probably nothing special.

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