2002-09-10 - 12:59 p.m.

Well now I'm feeling ashamed.

I sat for a while and thought about my visit to Michelle's... If I had left right after I finished reading Kris her bedtime story, I would have accomplished exactly what I wanted to do: go and visit her as a friend.

What I did instead was sit in her living room and make a fool of myself. I did exactly what I told myself and her I wasn't going to do: I tried to force the issue and convince her to say she wanted to try again. After that failed, I tried to leave but then my will broke down even more completely and I crawled across her living room floor to beg. At that point I assume I was asking her to take me back on the spot.

Faced with the prospect of accepting a weak-willed alcoholic with tears and snot running down his face who had just crawled across her living room floor to the foot of her chair, and was still laying on his stomach crying, she valiantly didn't take me back.

What a memory to leave her with.

If I had just left after tucking Kris in, she would have had the memory of me going there, spending time with Kris that we both really enjoyed, basically hanging out with her for part of an evening, saying what I had to say, and then leaving. The following days she could have gazed upon the flowers I brought and thought potentially nice thoughts about me, at least in theory. But now, those flowers are crushed into a plastic bag in the garbage shed of the apartment because I figured it was a stupid idea to bring them.

Man, what a loser.

Next I started thinking about how I might be able to make it up. That's about when I figured I should just give up while I'm ahead. I mean, obviously, she doesn't even like me any more. She told me so. When I did try to go see her I failed miserably at what I intended to do and made her feel worse. What exactly am I trying to prove?

It feels so abysmally horrible to realize that although I had already committed such a wrong by her, I only made things worse when I had even the slightest chance to make amends. I am truly a weak and selfish person.

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