2002-09-04 - 8:11 a.m.

Dear Diary,

Wow.. today I feel better than I have in a long time. I know I wrote an ecstatic entry a while back about discovering that I'm an alcoholic.. well, I *was* happy then, but this feeling builds on that one. I was planning to write "dear diary, god am I tired this morning.. I was up till 1:30am blah blah" but.. this morning I went up the hill to the back of the apartment and watched the sun rise. Talk about helping to clear the mind and set you up for the day. It just means I don't get to write in this diary as long, but that's ok, it's all stuff I'm doing to feed my positive attitude so I'm not going wrong.

Yesterday was full of surprises. Work was going really slow so I talked to Niki when she appeared online. I'd been meaning to tell her my news for a while and yesterday just seemed like the right time. After I'd said my bit, she went ahead and gave me her bad news.. and more bad news.. and more.. and more. She's so sad... I couldn't believe it.. I had the impression she was the picture of happiness... We talked for quite a while yesterday and I'm really glad we still have that kind of friendship. I think our friendship will develop quite a bit more in the next little while: I feel ready to start talking to the people in my life more. This diary is good for me in so many ways... You have to stay in practice if you want to be good at communicating.

Like I said work was slow yesterday. I put it down to being tired but I can't use that excuse today.

Cool.. Mark just called and we're going to pick up some of his stuff tonight to move it here. It's going to be weird and I'm sure nice :)

Yeah.. I'm more tired today than yesterday, but I'm bound and determined to get a lot of work done. No more excuses.

After work I talked to Niki a bit more while I was waiting for the meeting to start. Then I went to the meeting... It was ok, but I was tired and kept yawning and the topic of discussion was spirituality. I'm very glad that belief in god is not a requirement of the group I'm in, and at first I was put off by the .. I'd say dependence on god that is present in the group mentality. Fortunately for me, amends were made to the way things are done that allow a nonbeliever to benefit from the process just as well. And also fortunately for me, I came into it with the kind of open mind that allowed me to look past the fine points and realize that the common objective is the same regardless of whether or not I approach it as a god thing. Bleah.. too hard to explain.

After the meeting, I had planned to chat with Niki a little while in the hopes of being able to fall asleep more easily for having had a nice conversation just before bed. Michelle was online though, and we started to chat right away. I had to tell Niki a little while later that I was going to just talk to Michelle.. I'm sure she understood. In a way it probably hurt because she's so hung up on her ex... sigh

Regardless, Michelle and I had a fantastic talk. At some points, I thought I was doing very badly, but really we both said a lot of the things we needed to say. I was so unsure of whether or not it was the right time to say some of the stuff, but now I'm satisfied that we got some thorny stuff out of the way before we saw each other face to face. I know she has an easier time talking on MSN, and besides.. it helped considering some of the topics we discussed, like more details of what really happened that night at the hotel. I was shocked to learn that I had hit her before we even got in the room. The shock wasn't just at having to face the reality that I did that to her again, it was also at realizing how much longer my blank period lasted than I thought.

All in all, I think the talk went perfectly. Nothing really has changed in terms of Michelle and I, but I think that she got the chance to say a lot of the things she'd been dwelling on, and I got the chance to explain a lot of those things. And it helped that I wasn't making excuses.. it was like we managed to communicate really clearly because we both wanted to so bad.

I can't help but feel like it's more likely that we'll get back together after the talk we had last night. Not because I convinced her of anything, but because we were in such close agreement on how things should proceed. We're both wanting a friendship to stay, and neither of us is in a rush to make things happen. I think I reassured her that I wasn't going to be chasing after her. And she definitely reassured me that I would get the time to spend with her that we'll need if we ever want things to mend. Without her coming out and saying she's giving me a second chance, I really feel that I have one because she's allowing me to visit her regularly and stay friends. There doesn't have to be a commitment to try to have a relationship again, that will come naturally through our friendship if it's meant to be, and that is what was so reassuring.. I felt like we both understood that and were ok with it.

:)

Well.. this has to be shorter than usual. I don't have much else that I really want to write anyway.

Ooh! I forgot! Saturday, 4:30 pm I'm going to be going over to her house. I get to see Kris! And I get to sit with Michelle and tell her all the things about AA and my alcoholism. I bought two Big Books at yesterday's meeting, one for her and one for me. I'm pretty sure she won't know what to do with that book, but that when the time is right she'll read bits and pieces. The stories are good, and it makes a lot of sense. I think she'll be glad to have that window into my life. I'm planning to read the part that made me realize I am an alcoholic, and leave it with her to do with as she pleases.

I wonder what she'll think of my one request? I think she'll go for it. :) And no, it's not to have a bath in her jacuzzi. :P Although if I had an extra $100 right now I'd probably go for it.

And with that, I'm off to work.

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