2002-09-05 - 7:55 a.m.

Dear Diary,

:o) Just :o)

Orange juice is so good first thing in the morning.

Mark came over last night, we moved some of his stuff from storage at a friend's place into the room he's going to be staying in. He was pleasantly surprised at all the fun stuff there is to do on this computer :o) It was kind of weird because I'd hardly spent any time on it lately, but I found myself telling him all about the stuff you could do on it as if no one would want to be away.

He crashed a truck in Insane while I finished clearing out Kris's old room. I have Michelle's stuff all packed and ready to give to her. I wonder what she'll think of the flowers? I failed the last two times in my attempts to give her flowers so I have to get her some this time. I'm torn inside, though... I have so little money at the moment that I'm debating with myself whether buying her flowers is as good of an idea as I think or whether I'm making myself think it would be a good idea. Well, she did say thank you for the flower I left at the hotel door that she never got... so.. yeah :o) I do want to get her some flowers. How do you walk into a florist and say you want $10 worth of flowers though? That's really all I could spare. I want to get something bright and lively that will help give her new place some colour and remind her that I'm thinking of her, not something apologetic or romantic that says "I want you back now". We'll see.. just another decision to make at the last minute :o)

Hey, I just thought.. instead of leaving Thunder Bay at 2:00 to make it there by 4:30.. I should leave just after noon (like leave the house at noon to buy the flowers, then go there) and I should go down to the lake.. (bring watch) and sketch the rocks. I said I wanted to do that when we went there on our vacation and I never did :o( So.. here's my chance. I can go a little early and spend some time at the lake shore. I've thought that I could go down to the lake here, but then I thought it just wouldn't be the same. I love the shore line in Terrace Bay. And plus that way I won't be rushing to her place. Maybe I can even scope it out ahead of time so I can drive straight there when the time comes. Sounds like a plan. Now I'm picturing drawing rocks while I'm all excited to see Michelle. I wonder if rock drawings can *feel* hopeful?

Hehehehehe I started talking about Mark and ended up talking about Michelle. He was here most of the evening.. from about 7:00 to almost 9:00. It'll be nice to have someone to talk to because we're quite compatible. He's been to some AA meetings in the past and even has an AA book as well so he understands where I'm at and he's very supportive. I can't believe I dismissed his advice as something I already knew. He knows better though.. he just repeats the same advice and says nothing else. "Just give it time". It's one of those things that you may already know, but when you get down or don't know what to do, the memory of the person saying it to you will come back and you'll hear the words in your head.. and then, I will just give it time. I'm sure I'm not out of the woods yet, although I feel nothing less than elated most of the day.

Mark brought a new tape player with him, and I was pretty excited when I saw it. I found some old tapes that I thought I had lost cause I looked for them a while back and couldn't find them. Last night I listened to a Chopin tape that I hadn't heard in years. I wonder what Chopin would think if you told him that someone would be moved to tears by his music 150 years after his death? I started to learn the raindrop prelude on my synthesizer, and although there was no way it sounded anything like the song, at least I know where the notes are and how to play the chords. Not just that but I know that with practise I can learn the song. Now all I need is a piano and a few years. I guess I should admit that it is a life goal to be able to play that piece properly before I die. It would be kind of weird though to do it in front of someone and then have to explain that you don't know any others ;o) Oh well.. I can't complain. I feel lucky enough that I have the will and talent to find goals like this to pursue.

I'm going to record some tapes onto the computer by using the headphone jack of the tape player. That should be a task for tonight. I'll finally get the Hammertime tape recorded safely so I can make backups. It'll be a great reminder of the past ;o) I'm looking forward to hearing myself say "Hi, my name is Carl.... AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC!! ALCHOLIC!! YOU HEAR THAT??!! ALLLLCOHOOOOOOLIIIIIIIIIC!" yep.. it'll be pretty sweet.

What else... the hydro bill came in yesterday. Suck. I had gone through my finances for the last few months to try to figure out when this bill was coming and I had estimated a few weeks too late. The bill was only for $120, so that was lucky, because they last one was $180 and the one before $250. The problem is that I don't have enough money in the bank to pay all of the things I owe for the month of september. The grand total I get after subtracting my expenses from my earnings for the month equals -83.50. That's not as bad as it sounds for two reasons. Firstly I have over $350 worth of credit left on my credit card. Considering that's out of $5,000, it's not so good, but come October 4th I'll only have rent to pay out of my pay cheque and so I'll be feeling much better about having a maxed credit card. Secondly, though, I have a cheque for $100 that is sitting on my desk at the office. Problem is it's dated for last year.. so I have to hear back from the insurance company that issued it before I get too excited about that one. But still, if it comes in in the next two weeks, it'll take care of my problem nicely. I still think I'll end up using that last bit of credit, though. I mean I need to eat and stuff.

So money's a drag, but in a way it's not. I have a good skill at using money wisely when I have to. The problem is, when I don't have to I don't pay nearly enough attention to it. I'm learning, though, and by doing things like writing in this diary every day I'm getting used to the idea of spending some time regularly looking over things that need attention in my life. Another plus too is that by the time I finish paying off all these bills (November some time) I'll be in super-save mode and so most of my pay cheques will be going into savings. It's amazing to think that before I know it I'll have more money saved up than ever before. That's part of the reason it doesn't feel depressing or stressful not to have any money. That's because I know money matters are temporary in a while.. at least bank balances are. The way you spend your money is much more important, and right now I have a very positive cash flow mentality. That reminds me, too.. if I want to make my 6 month goal I have to figure out exactly how much to put into savings every pay cheque. I can either do it that way or grow my bank balance to $1,000 first and then start putting any extra into savings... hmm.. no, I think treating savings payments like rent is much smarter. I haven't tried it before, so it's a good plan.

Oh, a last note on money. I have been writing down every penny that I spend on the calendar and I was really surprised to add up all my luxury spendings to $35.83 for the last three weeks. I mean, I bought things like a bagel one day ($1), a milkshake another day ($2.50) and they add up steady. At first I was really mad at myself because that's half the money I'm short for september, and I had told myself not to spend any extra money... but this is reminiscent of my being mad at Michelle for stupid things like not changing the garbage enough. Whatever. Don't sweat the small stuff. Everything is going to be ok. Take a stress pill and go relax, amigo.. life isn't over yet. This is something I'm really learning well. I'm looking forward to applying it in my daily life and I'm sure a lot of people will appreciate the change. I'm glad I went back to add this bit. I wasn't sure I was going to. :o)

Work went ok yesterday. This time being tired wasn't just an excuse.. really. I literally could not concentrate after lunch. I went out and bought some potato wedges for lunch yesterday. They were good and greasy and spicy.. Mmmm. But man was I ever tired after. I was a hairsbreadth away from that stage where no matter how hard you try, your eyes start losing focus and drifting and you have to keep catching them. Can you imagine trying to program a computer in that condition? There's no way I could juggle a dozen threads of thought and write usable code while in that state. I just laid my head on my desk and let my brain recover from the brink of exhaustion. I didn't sleep, but I kept starting at sudden noises that were just above the background threshold. Yikes. But I went to bed early last night and although I didn't want to stir this morning at 6:30, here I am basically wide awake :o)

Other than work and Mark, there wasn't much going on yesterday. I read a little bit of one of the big books I bought. I started at the chapter "To Wives" and it was *very* heartening. I underlined some parts that I felt are especially appropriate to mine and Michelle's situation (and crossed out some others hehe ;o) ) I hope she'll understand what I'm thinking when I give that book to her. I think so.. she's a very wise person. I also think she'll help me with my battles in any way she can. She's got to be one of the most loyal and loving people I've ever met. There are so many people that mistake her for being stubborn or pigheaded when she is really just refusing to accept their lies to themselves. In her mind, the truth is the truth and she can't just ignore it. So I guess it would seem pigheaded of her to stick to reality.. that's the accuser's problem. Anyway, I'm awful glad she is like she is and that I found her when I did. I needed to hear those words: "Just get a girlfriend and don't cheat on her". I wonder if she thinks to this day that I found that offensive, even though I've tried to explain. I knew it was the truth, too :o)

Oh.. last bit. I was woken up by thunder last night. The first rumble woke me up enough to remember the feeling I had when I dreamed of a demon. I heard it loud and clear though and knew it was thunder, but the feeling I had clutching my heart felt the same. I was able to let go and relax almost immediately and fall back asleep though. The second hit was only a little bit later and that one woke me enough that I couldn't get back to sleep for a while. The first thing I remember thinking was that I had been able to relax the last time, but I couldn't this time, and why? I lay pondering that and also the fact that I felt the same fear clutching me that I did in the demon dream. I was remembering that there was a thunder storm the same morning I had that dream so maybe that helps make sense. I wasn't awake for long but I did feel like I was at the wrong part in my sleep cycle when the alarm went off this morning. Oh well, I just need to get more regular with bedtime to feel more awake when the alarm goes off. No more staying up till 1:30 talking to Michelle on MSN :o)

But I wonder how late I'll get home Saturday? That's an interesting question...

Laterz :oP

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