2002-09-08 - 5:59 p.m.

There's more I wanted to write

Two things that I thought of already. The first being a second example of feeling out of control, to go with the shroom experience. The second thing was watching my hard drive defragment in the middle of a thunderstorm and knowing that I had no power over whether or not the electricity would go out. It was the same feeling, I was just experiencing every second go by and knowing that I was not in control.

The other thing I wanted to remember to write down was this: I wonder what would have happened if Michelle and I had been able to get married when we wanted to. She would have had to choose between the promise she made to herself, and the promise she would have made to me: to stay with me for better or for worse till death do us part. In a way I'm glad she never had to choose between those two options.

Why do I feel like I had already taken that vow with her?

I remember wondering if I was doing the right thing by planning to marry her. Of course everyone has doubts leading up to such an important time and decision in their life, and I didn't worry too much that I was thinking about it. The fact is that I very strongly decided inside and was glad that I'd questioned it, because I really did want to marry her and I really did want to make those vows. In a way, I did make the vows, to myself, because I had to know that I wanted to marry her. I can only assume that she never got to that point inside, that she would just have winged it on the altar. I guess I'll never know.

It's kind of a scary thought though.. I always said I would only get married once, and here I was almost married to someone who could very well have divorced me. I guess I'll have to choose more carefully next time.

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