2002-09-09 - 7:50 a.m.

Dear Diary,

Well.. another morning. I didn't feel like getting out of bed this morning again. That's ok, it's good practise at making myself do things I don't necessarily feel like doing.

I went to badminton last night. I'm glad I went, although I felt like leaving part way through. I think it was likely the first time going to that gym and playing my hardest at badminton didn't block outside thoughts from my mind. I was missing the usual relief from pondering thoughts, and I thought it was pretty harsh that as I passed by normal people on the way to get a drink of water, I heard "Carl, I don't want to be with you" in my head.

Two people asked where Michelle was. Marion, when I told her I'd only be paying a single price for the year. Nowadays I just say "she left me" and leave it at that, especially with people I don't really know too well. Doreen also asked about her: "Carl, where's your better half". Her and Ed both were really sorry to hear Michelle had left me and said some encouraging words: "onwards and upwards" and were all wishing me well and full of smiles. They have the right attitude, and it really helped.

I had a good talk with Jamie there, too. It was super hot in the gym so I went outside to get a breeze and cool off and Jamie ended up out there later. I asked him what he thought of Thunder Bay and if he was planning on living here for the rest of his life. He isn't, but I don't think he knows where he wants to go. Believe it or not, last night was the first time I realized, really, that I can move to Ottawa, find a house that is so perfect I would never want to leave it and *stay there for the rest of my life*. I think to most people this would be obvious, but for me there's never been that sense of permanency. I've been too accustomed to moving and.. yeah.. honestly I think it's affected me socially a lot. I mean, when we had to move from my grandparent's house when I was 5, my mom explained it to me and all but I was so downcast because I didn't have any friends any more. I had to make all new friends, and I remember being very sad about that.

I remember making friends fairly well and fast at that age, even though I wasn't exactly in the mood for it. Kids just naturally are more open around each other. When I moved again at age 11 or so, I made a few friends in the neighborhood that we moved to, but I think the grand total count of people I knew in the area was maybe 8 over the course of the next 4 years. Then we moved to Terrace Bay. Sigh, what a place. I think I made about 4 lasting friends there. Terrace Bay was a place where I had lots of 'friends' but hardly anyone to really talk to.

So anyway, this whole concept of just picking the nicest place I could find and moving in *for good* was kind of stunning. Why not? It's what I really want. I want to settle down. I want to wake up in the same house for more than 5 years. Is that so strange to expect, since I'm 26? I told Jamie that when I've lived in the same house for 10 years, I'll be setting a new record :o)

So that was good, I mean talking to a good friend about stuff like that. The games I played were also very good. I played 2 dinky games but the rest (3 I think) were very intense and that's a very good ratio for Sunday night. There was one real downer that night, though, and it's that I felt a pain in my heart. I don't meant emotionally, I mean physically. It's one that's pretty familiar, I was always putting it down to something stupid I was doing, because I started feeling it regularly when first laying down for bed about a month and a half ago or maybe longer. I just feel like my whole body is falling apart these last few years ;o) I'm half-unconcerned about it because I've been freaked about a few things lately that turned out to be nothing. But last night, after 3 weeks of very healthy living, and in the middle of great exercise, when I usually never feel pain, my chest kept feeling pinched in time with my breath. I think I've probably just got an almost-clogged aorta. Who knows? At least I know that I'm living the best I can now and I'm not about to stop so that's the best I can do and I'll just have to live with what the future holds.

It kind of reminds me of sitting there watching my hard drive defragment during a thunderstorm. I remember clearly thinking "I'm just an observer, I have no control. I'm just here to find out what happens. That's all we humans are." I feel the same way about my heart. I know I'm going to die some day.. I'm just observing very carefully to see exactly which day that will be :o)

What else? I fell asleep fairly quickly last night. I didn't dwell on things too much. It's becoming clear to me that I really was willing to accept that Michelle and I wouldn't be together. At the time she told me, actually accepting it was a little beyond me, but the will was there and it's only taken a little while since to even out. Now I need to work full time on sublimating my feelings of love into feelings of lasting friendship. I know if I was to go see her today, I wouldn't be able to help but think of her as "the woman I love", and that would be very hurtful to both of us. I honestly can't predict how long it will be before I can be in her presence and just think of her as a friend, if that will ever happen. I think on the order of years, but then that means that I won't ever see her again unless it's for a short visit on my way through her town or something.

I think the best thing would probably be to stay in touch on the internet. We have a long history of internet chatting and it's at least very impersonal so it should work out. I really do want to stay on her radar but that is a hope I should be killing like a snake, stabbing meaty flesh into the hard packed ground of reality. I don't need anything sneaking up on me and wrapping my heart in a twisted clinging grip. I need release and freedom and starting over without baggage. Wish me luck, future self, you'll need it.

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