2002-09-13 - 7:27 a.m.

Dear Diary,

Well, I made the effort to get up on time today and I'm glad. I have an extra half hour and I think I'm going to walk up the hill behind my apartment and watch the sunrise in about 10 minutes.

Yesterday was pretty uneventful. I worked fairly well but still played games a bit throughout the day. It just goes to show how if I let myself indulge in self-pity and think that because I'm depressed that means I can go easy on myself, the action can carry over until after I've stopped feeling so bad and become a habit. Yesterday I finished the second part of the game that I started the day before so today I can just avoid the game altogether.

I find myself thinking a lot more lately about what I spend my time doing. After doing something like playing Warlords2 yesterday, I sit for a while and get philosophical about what it really means to spend my time doing that. My thoughts yesterday were that I spent several hours sitting basically still, staring straight ahead at a monitor, clicking repeatedly with my mouse. In my head, I was organizing armies, assuring production met demand, waging battles, taking cities, conquering a world. Afterwards, I sat looking at my hands and realized how powerless I am in a general sense. There just isn't much I can do to affect the world as a whole. I thought that's probably why people like to play these games so much, because they feel like they have all this power. Exactly where did I get the feeling of satisfaction when I conquered the computer in Warlords2? I've beaten the game uncounted times in the past.. and I didn't actually accomplish anything by doing it, yet I did enjoy myself. One more thought to be rehashed later.

Like I said though, I did make some good progress at work yesterday and today I have a clear goal of what I want to do and what will satisfy me once I finish it. After work, I biked home as usual.. feeling more and more like it doesn't take a lot of effort to bike at max speed. There's one thing worth mentioning about my bike ride home.. well maybe two. The first is that I was biking in a groove, pedalling uphill in top gear and lulled by the repetitive sound of my tires against the asphalt when I suddenly realized I was about to go through a red light. I screeched the brakes and stopped short in shock.. I was just not paying attention. I was thinking of how the prostitute stole the guy's rings in "Leaving Las Vegas"... remembering the way in the movie they enhanced the clinking sounds of teeth against metal and dulled everything out. Weird.

The other thing to note about my bike ride home yesterday is that I thought of Michelle. I thought of conversations with her. I reminded myself at least once not to have imaginary conversations, only to catch myself at it a few minutes later. It seems like as I'm expending effort pedalling, it's natural for my mind to turn to its thorniest problem. I wish I wasn't still thinking of things to say to make her think we should give it another try. Part of the time I think that I wouldn't want to be with her anyway, if this is the treatment I can expect when major problems come along. I always thought we could work through anything. But there are always exceptions, and I can't blame her for acting the way she has. I just need to give it time and see what happens. I really have moved on almost completely in my thoughts and goals for the future. I think there is a small chance I'll try to go see her again. At least if to leave on a good note unlike last time. What a waste of 9 years.. 3 for her, 3 for Kris and 3 for me.....

At home last night I spent all my time online chatting. I was supposed to play badminton but Larry's foster son Damon is in custody. He broke his curfew and so they put him in a youth detention center for 20 days or something like that cause he's on probation. I wonder if Larry sees any responsibility in this.. I mean Damon's been living there for over a year now, and he's at an impressionable stage. I dunno.. I don't think Larry took him in for the right reasons. Not my problem, I have enough of them.

I suggested tennis to Jamie since we couldn't go to badminton but he was kind of tired and felt like staying in. It wasn't hard to convince me :o) I don't feel bad in the least about chatting all night. I mean, what would have been better about doing something like playing games? I considered playing Diablo2 and if I had, then my character in the game would have progressed a few levels and could be bringing down meteorites on her enemies. What does that really mean as an "accomplishment"? At least I talked to some real living and breating people last night, even if it was only a virtual talk.

I read my AA book in bed for a while.. a nice story of a man who had everything and lost it before he slowly gained it back. One of the saddest things about reading this AA book is that so far almost every single person has had their wife or partner stick by them through the whole thing. I know that doesn't mean a lot because every case is different and mine and Michelle's is strongly affected by her past, but I can't shake the feeling that I didn't (and don't) mean as much to her as I thought I did. I guess that means there's better love to be found out there in the world.

It's not as comforting a thought as it should be.

The sunrise is starting so I'm going to head out now. Hopefully today will bring some peace and productivity. That's my equivalent of a prayer, just to think of the coming day in a positive way and hope for the best. No different than a religious person :o)

Let's go see what this day is going to bring...

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