2002-09-18 - 8:31 a.m.

Dear Diary,

I feel kind of rushed this morning. I was a good boy and went to bed right away when I got home last night at 10:30 even though I felt like staying up. I just reminded myself that I had to be dilligent and it worked well. I still lay awake until midnight, and I'm starting to wonder what I need to do differently. I'm very tired in the mornings when this happens, so it would make sense for me to be exhausted by 10:00pm. It doesn't happen, though.. my mind stays awake much longer than it should and it drags me down. Maybe I'll have to have a strict rule to have a shower before bed or something calming like that.

Last night I thought of a lot of things I wanted to write down. I had long speeches in my head that made perfect sense. AA is good for me like that; listening to so many people speak their minds and mulling over everything they say really helps me to think more clearly of my problems.

As I was driving home, I thought of an analogy for an AA meeting: dining at the spiritual table. I'm not a religious person by any means, so by spiritual "eating" I mean raising your spirits by being around people who care about you and sharing in each others pain and joy. I know I always walk away from AA meetings smiling, so then I must be getting something good out of them. The analogy suits perfectly.

It also extends very well into more analogies. This spiritual meal is a pot luck. Everyone brings a little bit to the dinner, and everyone else samples anything they feel like. You don't have to eat some of everything, just like I don't have to agree or get along with everyone in a meeting, but you always come away full. Not only that but you almost always get to try something new, and that variety is what makes pot lucks so fun :o)

I also had a long 'talk' with Michelle last night. I kept the train of thought going even when I stopped myself from having an imaginary conversation and switched it instead into a diary entry in my head. Instead of addressing her in the first person, I started referring to her in the third. "I can't keep offering you my love if you don't want it" turned in to "I can't keep offering her my love if she doesn't want it." In this way I was able to mull over some feelings that really matter to me without getting too emotionally involved by keeping them in the context of general relationships. I don't know if I'll be able to remember all the stuff I said now word for word, but I do remember the gist of it and that's what's important.

My main topic was that I'm giving up on Michelle. I had been thinking that I would continue to profess my love for her and try to get her to think of the possibility of trying again. I had been thinking that I would never forgive myself if I "gave up without a fight". I'm realizing now that I'm only hurting myself by doing this. If I look at it in the bigger picture, removing the specific personal details of our relationship, then I see that it doesn't make sense for me to keep trying. I have to give up.

The person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with is someone who is going to want me and actively seek me out. It wouldn't be fair to myself to think that I have to convince a person to try being with me: she would have to think that herself enough to talk to me about it.

It wouldn't be fair to myself to try to be friends with someone who doesn't want to talk to me. Anyone who is worthy of being my friend should make the effort to talk to me too, they should look forward to our conversations.

I'm cheapening myself if I keep offering myself to someone who isn't interested. I need to wait and build myself up inside and the right person will *want* to come and find me. Not that I shouldn't actively seek people and let them know I'm here, but that once they know who I am, they should approach me if they are interested.

Michelle is definitely keeping her distance. She hasn't initiated a single conversation in the last month unless she needed something from me. She hasn't shown any interest in a continued relationship of any kind, she has completely pushed me away from her circle of friends and trusted people. She obviously feels some responsibility to my feelings because of her feelings for me and the length of time we were together, but that feeling of hers conflicts with the decision she'd made to keep me out. It makes sense that she would talk to me and even try to be friendly in conversations, even when she doesn't particularly want to talk to me. She did it out of a sense of obligation. She even told me so: "I thought it would be rude not to answer". Not "I wanted to know how you're feeling."

It's a sad thing all around. I feel quite sure that she is not going to re-evaluate me in any way; that she pushes thoughts of me aside because she doesn't want to deal with them. I believe she won't really think about everything I mean to her until it is too late. And the shittiest part is that even if there *was* something I could say to make her reconsider things before I move away, it wouldn't be the right thing for me to do. She just wouldn't be the person for me if I had to do that. Crappy.

I don't want to stop this but I need to stop writing soon. I still have to make a lunch and bike to work and it's almost 8:30.

Yesterday work went well. Actually it would be a shame not to mention it since I got a helpful ego boost yesterday :o) My boss Tom showed up in town a day ahead of time, and I was glad he was there because I was working hard and had already solved a major memory leak (by 9:18 am even!). He called me into a meeting to describe some problem that an American company is having with figuring out how to make up a software sales system where a person would buy something online and have it downloaded automatically for them. He said that their team was full of bright people and that they'd thought of it for a while and were just stumped. After he explained the problem to me, it took me about 20 seconds to suggest something that would work quite well and he was really impressed. I spent the next 2 hours writing demo code (half of that time was spent transferring files from another project and establishing a base for writing new code) and I showed him a working prototype the same day. He was able to call the person he talked to at the American company, explain how we could solve their problem *and* send him a sample application the day after he first found out about it. That made me feel quite good indeed :o)

After work I got a surprise phone call from my parents, only it turned out to be my brother Tristan. He's 5 and he's SO CUTE!!! He reminds me so much of myself... he wanted help getting a certain computer game running. He said something I have to write down verbatim for posterity: "I know you and Michelle are separated, but she's the nintendo expert and you're the computer expert, and right now we don't need Michelle, we need you" :o) lol ahhh.. kids rock. :o) We talked for a while and I got over my stupid fear of not understanding people clearly on the phone and not knowing what to say to kids. My 5 year old brother literally put me at ease by being so engaging and friendly on the phone. Let's hope he doesn't end up like me in some ways!

I talked to my mom for some time afterwards and we even started up a netmeeting video conference. The video is kind of slow but it works and it's kind of nice to see each other. I'm thinking I'll have to try that again soon.. the kids especially thought it was really fun :o)

I'm pretty much convinced that I'm moving down there to live with them next year. I'll have to make the announcement at the office some time, but not just yet. I know I can stay in this apartment as long as Mark is willing to pay rent, so I don't have to worry about moving. And the day when I'm not financially strapped is getting closer and closer. Things are looking good :o)

Ok, it's 8:30. I have to run. Bye!

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