2002-09-17 - 7:52 a.m.

Dear Diary,

I made awesome chili last night :o) I followed a recipe from my doubleday cookbook and at first I thought it was crazy because there were so many onions in the pan.. but it turned out really well. I didn't have a big pot to cook it in, so I had to use 2 frying pans but it didn't really make a difference.. I *am* the chef :o) I've made chili before, but I just winged it and put in whatever I felt like. It usually ended up being much more liquid with a LOT less meat and onions, and a lot more variety of other vegetables. Chili can really be pretty much anything I guess.. sort of like a tomato-based vegetable stew. I've made vegetarian chili before when I didn't have any meat to put in, but last night was the first time I made "real" chili, the kind you would get in a restaurant.. a ton of onions, a ton of beef and some spices and beans and a tomatoes thrown in. Weird.

Ah yes.. work yesterday. I don't know why I start out by focusing on how my work day was the day before... Maybe I should start earlier? It was really really cold on my bike ride to the office. I've noticed it grow steadily colder day by day and I've started wearing a sweater in the mornings and bringing gloves in my backpack. Yesterday I had to use the gloves cause my knuckles where getting kind of white.

My bike rides go by in a blur. I'm so lost in thought that I hardly notice where I am half the time. I move from landmark to landmark almost on autopilot because I ride the exact same path every day. I even go over the bumps in the sidewalk at the same spot every day. That's just the way I am: I look at a problem - like how to bike over a certain bump to get the least shock - and solve it to the best of my ability, then every time I'm faced with the same problem I repeat the solution I figured out last time. Wow..... deep insight.. not.

So yeah, work was ok yesterday. I spent the majority of my effort getting rid of bugs in the program. I alternate between writing new code and implementing new features, fixing old code to remove bugs, and changing old code to respond to a request from the boss. Up until yesterday I was writing new code; an installer for our application that can download and install files for the user and that doubles as an updater and automatic updater under the other application's control. Now I've moved to fixing bugs and memory leaks in both my installer and the main app. I found quite a few yesterday and I think today I'll run out of bugs to fix :o) We did really well in our programming effort with this project. I'm proud of all of us developers since we're basically learning as we go and doing all this for the first time. Talk about great work experience. I'm so glad I didn't go work for a big company because now I'm that much closer to knowing how to strike out on my own and make my own software company. We'll see...

So yeah I worked the whole afternoon. The downside is I surfed and played warlords2 and ate various food items up until noon. I guess that's not such a bad thing. It's kind of in the old pattern: get to work with a bagel and a coffee, sit and surf the web and do whatever interests me for a little while, then when I feel prepared, work the rest of the day through. Generally the less tired I was, the less time it would take before I would get to work, and I almost always kept at it straight through the day, at least most of the times. I'll just say I'm happy with how I worked yesterday because of how much I accomplished, and that's really the key. Today is looking good already :o)

Once I got home I started on the chili right away. It still wasn't done until 7:30 though :oP. To pass the time I played Counter-Strike for a while. It was sort of fun but not thrilling like it used to be. I got caught by a map change because I'd forgotten to reinstall all the old maps and then when I tried to reconnect to the servers I couldn't, so I switched to Day of Defeat instead and had a lot more fun. As usual, I started out by sucking big time.. I didn't kill anyone until at least half way through the round. But then in the next 15 minutes I shot to the top of the team because I was just mowing through the opposition like they were standing still. It really felt like it anyway. I get into this groove sometimes. That's how I used to play at Counter-Strike when I was really into it... Execution Style, baby :o) And before you know it, my little timer had dinged to let me know the chili was done and I had to force myself to stop playing even though I'd been hungry for hours and the house smelled great! hahaha.... But anyway, I'm looking forward to a yummy lunch. I have to bring some bread and garlic salt so I can make toast to go with it :o) Yum.

I'm thinking I need to organize my work day meals. I usually bring a fruit, a peanut butter and jam sandwich, and some sort of small snack.. pudding or yoghurt or cheese and crackers or something. I like to eat something pretty soon after I get there if I ate a small breakfast, so I guess I should have a regular mid-morning snack. Then I fight off the urge to eat if I'm bored until at least 12:00. That would usually be the bigger meal that I brought, but then I usually end up eating the peanut butter and jam sandwich as a snack because I can't wait to eat the big meal. I'm laughing at myself right now for rambling on and on about exactly when I eat my pb&j sandwich! What *is* the point of this, Carl?????

Enough. So anyway.. during and after eating my chili I watched an old video tape that I haven't seen in years. It started out familiar enough; a drunken party with me and my friends around the age of 17 or 18. I figure the year was 1993. It goes on for a while and it's much more sad than funny, although some parts made me laugh out loud. I don't know how my parents put up with me doing that in the house. We drank most of a 66er of bacardi that night I believe. One thing that was weird about that tape was seeing Stephane with hair. He looked sooo much like that guy from "Mad about you" that was also the corporate weasel in "Aliens". I can't remember his name, but I swear to god they look a lot alike. It must have been the frizzy hair. I guess Steph knew he was going bald a long time before we did because he used to always check himself in the mirror and pull on his little frizzy bangs while he was doing it. And he used to talk to me about how long his hair was and how it had never been that long when I thought it was pretty short. I've always had unmanageable hair that grows like a weed - speaking of which it needs to be cut badly but I can't afford it.

After the little party, there's a very interesting and very sad segment. I don't know if it was later on the night of the first part, or if it was another night entirely, but I was quite drunk and drinking more, and I decided to sit in front of the camera and record a heartfelt message to someone. Unfortunately, the microphones weren't working so you can't hear a thing, but it was still interesting to watch. For the most part I'm looking right into the camera, and I'm being very expressive. I can't lip-read but I'm sure I caught the phrase "I want you to be happy" a couple of times. I think I was talking to Bronwen, or possibly Saara, but it's most likely Bronwen. I used to pine away after her, burning candles and writing poetry in my room thinking of how much I loved her. I also drank a lot.. every night in fact, to "get myself to sleep". I'm amazed I didn't turn into more of an alcoholic than I did.

It was really sad to watch this little moment I decided to record. I kept drinking this horrid apple juice and whisky drink that was mixed 50/50. I would grimace after just about every drink, then just act like I didn't care. I was so drunk at one point that my head started to hang out of the side of the picture and I didn't bother to lift it. I guess I just cared about the words I was speaking.. it's a shame they weren't recorded. It's just a testament to my sad drinking history and a reminder of one more reason I won't drink again.

After the movie it was near bed time so I had a bath and read my AA book then went to bed. I played my guitar a bit in the bathroom while the bath was filling and for a while after it was full because I was having so much fun. I started with playing a C scale and then went straight to figuring out the triad and playing that. I still remember the lessons I had in music so many years ago, and they really helped. I enjoyed playing last night and felt like I was progressing a bit. Ooh! I wanted to remember to print out some sheet music at the office. I think I want a music stand too. Eventually. Add that one to the list of things to spend money on after an oil change and a haircut :o)

I feel asleep pretty quickly. I didn't think of Michelle much. Nor did I when I woke up. I did all through my shower though.. unreservedly having imaginary conversations. Bad boy. I'll have to think of something else to ponder on my bike ride to work this morning. Don't know what that could be though. Maybe I should think of some programming project I want to work on, or try to picture how the chords I like on the guitar fit onto a musical staff. Hmm.. we'll see.

I'm really looking forward to today now. AA meeting tonight :o) I'm sure some of my new friends will be there. I wonder if I'll ever see any of them outside of AA. I keep meaning to talk to Tannis about getting together for a tea some time because I'd like to hear more of her story and befriend her. I need more friends. I'm still counting down the days till I can write Michelle again and that's not particularly healthy. Oh well, I feel much better and calmer about that whole situation now so it's not so hurtful and so big of a deal. Life goes on.

Bye my diary. I'll be back soon.

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