2002-09-16 - 7:46 a.m.

Dear Diary,

I'm really tired this morning. I was in bed reading before 10:00 and I dilligently turned the light out on time, but sleep wouldn't come. I thought restelessly of Michelle, then of other things when I forced my mind off her. Then my roommate started coughing because he has a sore throat or cold of some kind. At 11:30 I got up and gave him some medicine that helped, but I still didn't fall asleep for at least another 30 minutes. At 1:00 I woke up again because he was getting ready for work. I feel really sorry for him that he didn't call in sick since I know he hardly got any sleep. His job is really starting to wear him out. I hope he makes it through this shift ok.

So I was quite beat when the alarm went off this morning but I lay and listenend to the radio people talk for a while so I wouldn't fall back asleep. I've started my day off with dedication, and I can only be happy and proud of it. Last night just before bed I felt like I was all set for a good monday at the office, and this morning that view changed a little. But I think I can still go in and be dedicated. Maybe I should consider the work day as a sequence of hours and just work hard one hour at a time, just like alcoholics stop drinking one day at a time. I think I tried that before and it didn't work. But I'm willing to try again. Practise makes perfect :o)

Michelle has been in my thoughts a lot lately. I'm starting to starve inside from not being in touch with her. For so long, we talked almost every single day and needed and enjoyed each other's company. Now I can only wonder how she is doing, what she is thinking. And I miss her dearly. I keep thinking of things I miss about her and I want to write a list now.

I miss being asked how my day was at work.

I miss hearing her breathing when I fall asleep.

I miss coming home to a house that smells wonderful from her cooking.

I miss hearing "I love you".

I miss having someone touch me when I don't expect it and being reminded of the person I'm so happy with.

I miss finding long red hairs in my brush.

I miss the sound of her laugh.

I miss getting hugs every day.

I miss having my family wave when I leave for work.

I miss being able to snuggle at night if I feel cold or emotionally drained.

I miss the door being unlocked when I get home.

I miss going grocery shopping together.

I miss going to badminton together.

I miss getting Susanna to sit Kris so we could go on a date.

I miss watching over her shoulder as she plays Counter-Strike :o)

I miss talking to my best friend.

I miss feeling like someone needs me and depends on me.

I miss feeling appreciated.

I miss getting little surprises to be reminded that I'm loved.

I miss making love.

I miss kissing her soft lips.

I miss the smell of her hair.

I miss braiding her hair.

I miss hearing her music all the time.

I miss brushing our teeth together.

I miss looking into her eyes.

I miss staring at her face because I'm so in love with her.

I miss biking to a park as a family.

I miss going to walmart as a family.

I know there are so many other things I've thought about just in the last few days. But it felt good to write those down. I need to be in touch with my sadness. I don't want to push away the bad feelings because they won't disappear, they'll just get hidden and gather dust. I want to remember all the good things to fight off the anger that I keep feeling.

I wish I knew what she was thinking. It's so hard to be so out of touch. In the last month, she's started two conversations, both on MSN, and both were only started because she had a specific thing to ask me about or tell me. She hasn't wanted to talk to me once in a month, and that hurts so much that I just don't know what to do to feel normal again. I feel like I'm walking around with a stake in my heart. It's just complete and total rejection from the person I thought would always love me till I died.

This entry is very sad and ponderous. I have some other things to mention and I should get on with them. Onward and upward.

Yesterday I slept in until 8:30. I really missed those two hours because when I finished my shower it was bright daylight out. A little while ago, I would have thought 8:30 was early, but now I'm used to seeing the whole day and not waking up partway through. I didn't really spend any time outside either. I did bike to badminton and back, but it was cold and dark on the way home so that doesn't count.

I did my laundry and went and got groceries like a good boy. I guess this is a good time to mention that I learned to fold my shirts properly after Michelle left because I liked the way they fit in the drawer better the way she folded them.

I ended up buying a lot of groceries. I spent more money yesterday than I have so far, and I really didn't need that much food. I just keep piling it away, I guess for a rainy day that isn't going to come. I'm in the tough patch now and I just keep getting extra food ;o) Oh well, I've been buying spices the last few times to try and build up a little stash and expand my potential recipes. Some time this week I'm going to make chili and I'll have a stab and making Michelle's spaghetti sauce. I'm also going to make shepherd's pie. That's unusual because I haven't really eaten supper consistently for the last month. I've just made whatever I felt like if I was hungry, but it mostly ended up being snacks. Heatlhy snacks, though.. I don't buy junk food. I've gone through a grand total of 2 bags of chips in the last month :o)

My mind is just not very active this morning. The words aren't flowing off my fingers like they usually do.

Oh. I forgot to write about the most important thing that happened yesterday.

When I got back from shopping, I didn't go out on my bike. I just didn't feel up to doing anything. So I got on the computer in the hopes that Michelle would be on MSN. Don't ask me why, because I promised myself not to talk to her for two weeks after my visit last saturday. Oh yeah! I remember now, I logged on so that she would have the chance to talk to me if she wanted to. Imagine that. She hasn't willingly talked to me in a month and I thought if I appeared on MSN that she would just talk to me. I seem to remember thinking that just because I told myself I wouldn't start a conversation for another week doesn't mean I can't answer if she starts one.

So anyway, I'm off track already. The point is, I got on the computer.

Shortly after that I got a phone call. I didn't recognize the name of the caller, and I was absolutely shocked when I realized it was my great-aunt Bernadette. Her and her husband Albert were in Thunder Bay visiting their son (who is 40) and they were wondering if I could come by and see them. I've seen these people a total of maybe 5 times in my life, and the last time was 5 years ago, but they are family and although I was shy of it, there was no way I could say no. So I hopped in my car and drove down there.

Talk about a great visit! I really was shy to go and almost wouldn't have if I had an excuse or something, but man, I really need to change that attitude, because it was really nice to see them and talk to them. It's just like my family to try so hard to stay in touch with all their relatives, and I'm glad for it because I needed something to do that afternoon. We talked about anything and everything, and it didn't matter that there were 50 years between us, we had a wonderful time. It really gave me a lift and I was smiling when I left because I had an affirmation that making the effort to see your family is more than worth it.

This is really making me think I want to move in with my parents. I'm going to have to email Dennis post haste and tell him about this new development. It's a very hard offer to turn down, but I've clearly told him I'm moving to Ottawa and it's written down as my 12 month goal.

Living in Amherstburg for a while would really be nice, I'm sure. And I would have plenty to keep me busy during the days, but I don't know what kind of job prospects there are around the area. I'm sure there are some computer-related companies I could get a job at, but I wouldn't want to end up having an hour long commute, and I'm afraid it might come down to that. Mind you, that wouldn't be any different from Ottawa. I really do think I'd like to end up in Ottawa though. I don't have any real solid reasons, mostly just that Dennis is there, it's warmer than here, and they have a good university so if and when I decide to finish up my schooling I can get a master's if that's in the cards.

Hmm.. I'm all over the place in the entry. I don't have a consistent theme or anything. I'm getting hungry so I'll just drop it and eat. Tomorrow will be better.. at least as long as my roommate doesn't have that cold anymore :o( We'll see.

Sigh.. 6 more days till I can email Michelle. We'll see what kind of hindsight that brings and how the words I'll choose to send over will change.

Good bye, diary.

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