2002-09-15 - 9:54 a.m.

Dear Diary,

Hmm.. Today I slept in until 8:30. My alarm went off at the usual time, but I didn't get out of bed after I turned it off. In a way, I was glad for the extra sleep, because I really have no obligations today and I was quite tired when 6:30 rolled around, but I'm very uneasy about thinking of this as something that is ok. First, I lightly dismissed my alarm at 6:30. Secondly, my reasoning for that was that I was too tired to wake up. But, the reason I was so tired is that I lightly dismissed my bedtime and stayed at the LAN party till 11:00. I find it very unsettling that my old patterns of behaviour are showing up again and I'm not fighting against them harder. This is the beginning of the harder fight: to recognize what I do wrong and to realize it, and to realize what I should do differently, but not to get down on myself about it. I have to make many small decisions the right way to avoid having to make large hard decisions later on.

My toast popped.

Today I will do laundry and go buy groceries. The sun is shining in the window now and I think that my chores will be done sooner than I think, so that means I should arrange to do some sort of outdoor activity :o) It is a really beautiful day and I don't miss those nearly as often as I used to. Last night when I remembered that I had to do laundry and shopping today, I groaned inwardly, but still didn't think of putting it off. This morning, however, those jobs don't seem nearly as hard and instead I'm already thinking of what I'll do afterward. I can't deny that the sun streaming in the window has something to do with it, and also the fact that I got a good night's sleep. Last night I was very tense from having concentrated so hard all day (even thought it was a pleasant task I was concentrating on :o) and I think the prospect of more work was just rejected instantly. Sleep healed me well.

Mmmm.. Bananas on toast are so good :o)

I had some weird dreams last night. At one point I was in a bar.. yes it's coming back to me clearly now. I was in a bar and I was drinking whisky. Not only that, but I wasn't stopping myself. Just now as I thought of it, I could place the feeling exactly: having a drink in my hand that I'm not even really enjoying but continuing to drink it. How many of us have done that? I know I'm not alone. But I often wondered at the time exactly why I was continuing to drink. I would usually just shrug internally and continue on my current path because why not?

Anyway, in this bar, there was some guy who was really drunk and belligerent. I don't want to bother with much background because it's irrelevant, but I egged this guy on even though I knew better and he got very pissed. He came over with two full bottle about the size of beers and broke them on the back of his head and offered me one, to use as a weapon in a fight. I declined and said I didn't want to fight, backing off, but he just dropped his offering and lunged with the other at my throat.

I caught his arms as he tried to kill me, but I felt the glass grind against my neck. I was in this position for some time, holding him off from cutting me enough to kill me as it were. It was a strange kind of moment and I yelled for help at some point but we were 'alone'. I don't remember how I got out of this or what happened afterwards, that may have been the end of the dream or I may have woken up. But I thought it was worth recording.

I woke up when my roommate came home last night. I believe he gets in around 1:30. He's coughing now so maybe he got the cold last night and that woke me, I don't know. I was glad to be able to get back to sleep pretty much right away.

I think there's another dream I wanted to remember so I'll think about that while I eat this toast...

Hmm.. I can't remember any more.

So, on to the other things I'd mentally arrange to put in this entry.

This morning during my shower I had a far too lengthy imaginary conversation with Michelle. It's still the same on, subject of bike rides and moments awake at night in bed: "Michelle, I'm not like that." "Michelle, your promise doesn't apply to me because I'm not an abuser." "Michelle, don't throw away all that we have by not even being willing to try."

Why do I have to be right? Huh? What can't I just deal with facts? I've thought that many times too. Why can't I just forget about her and move on? Maybe I should think of it like this: if I had never met Michelle but still knew everything I know about her today, would I want to court her, would I want to marry her? Say I had read about a character in a book, and that character was an exact description of Michelle. Would I dream of marrying her, wishing I could meet someone like that? That's a difficult question.

I guess what I'm really getting at is, how much of my reason for trying to make things work is that I want things back the way they were, and how much of it is pure realization that I want to be with a woman exactly like Michelle? I think: "I still do love her, and I would marry her if I had the chance." But then the next thought is "But would I really? Would I marry someone who might leave me if I do the wrong thing, no matter how much I love her and how much effort I'm willing to put into our relationship?" I still don't think she realizes exactly what she has / had in me. Because I find myself thinking that I *wouldn't* want to marry someone like Michelle. I mean, she already considered leaving me before the really bad mistake happened. Just because I was insecure, and she knew I was insecure.

She said I really hurt her deep because I didn't trust her. Why couldn't she see that I did trust her so much? Did she really not know me that well, or was she not able to figure out how much trust I did have in her? If I was supposed to be sensitive to her delicate sides, then why was she not supposed to tread carefully around the issue of trust where it related to me, knowing that's where I'd been hurt? It all seems like she's thinking she shouldn't have to do any of the work.

I'm so confused. I think probably the single biggest mistake I'm making is to feel like something has to be done right away, like some decision has to be made soon or everything will be irretrievably lost. I don't know where I get this feeling, but I can state with quite a bit of confidence that it is wrong. This is a symptom of my particular disease. I know because it happened the very first time a girl I truly loved dumped me... when Bonnie ended things, I felt like every second that went by was the second I would lose her forever. If the phone rang and I missed the call, I would agonize over whether or not it was her. I didn't get it.. I didn't understand that life isn't like that. Sometimes a single moment can change a lot of future events, but it almost always doesn't, and spending too much time obsessing over the moment is much more likely to ruin things in the future than to save them.

I guess it all comes back to the fact that I love her pure and simple.

When I think of her, her as a whole - faults, gifts, and traits - I miss that person dearly.

When I remember us together, I think of happiness. I think of going through difficult times and dealing with them well. I think of being a good parenting team, always discussing what we should do in regards to our child.

I think *our* child. I never fathered a baby by her.. she was someone else's biological daughter, but she WAS *our* child. Isn't that amazing in and of itself?

I try hard not to think of my life now as what it was before minus the half that Michelle filled. My life now is just the part that I contribute to it, not something minus someone. It sure feels that way and will for a while, but just because it feels that was doesn't mean it's true.

I'd like to ask myself one question, because I don't know the answer to it right now and I might later. I hope I would, anyway. Why is it that I am incapable of just letting things go completely and waiting until Michelle contacts me first? Why do I firmly believe that that is not an answer, that is not a valid course of action? Why do I think that if I left her completely alone, she would never talk to me again?

I can answer a bit of that.

The last time I talked to her, I made a complete fool of myself and went against the decision I had made to just be friends. I tried to convince her to come back, and then I begged her.

And then I think.. how is that worse than having hit her? And yet because she never answered the email I wrote her the next day, I think she won't talk to me again. I told her that night before I left that I couldn't come around anymore... that I wasn't Kris's daddy anymore... that I would take her off my MSN list. I tried to say I thought that was a mistake in the email I sent.. but did those words have an impact? Did they make a difference?

All I can think of inside is that her mind is made up: as far as she is concerned, she wants nothing to do with me for the rest of her life. That is just so sad and wasteful. But it's not my decision. And I can't deal with that.

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