2002-09-19 - 8:42 a.m.

Yeah I think I'm going to drop the "Dear Diary,".

Hummm.. Yesterday Stuart came over. We played a little bit of DoD against the bots. It was fun killing every bot on my own team with a big machine gun. Just a little defector action to mix things up :o) Well, I *was* on the Axis team :oP

We also played GTA3. A lot of senseless killing in that game too. No wonder I'm such a fan of racing games. Nobody dies in racing games, no matter how spectacular the crash :o) Lord knows I should have killed quite a few of my virtual motorists with some of the stunts I've pulled in various games. You could probably even make a game where the only point was to cause the biggest crash. In a way, I've already played that game with Insane hehe.

I keep picking at this omelette even though I'm not hungry. And yesterday I ate and ate and kept eating after I wasn't hungry any more. I wonder if this is a natural reaction in the fall, or if I'm having some sort of hormonal influence (hey, guys have hormones too) or if I just feel like that once in a while. Whatever it is, it's disconcerting.

Wow. I just reached for my fork again, at the exact same moment as another part of my mind was thinking: "Man, my stomach is so full it doesn't even feel comfortable." I didn't actually pick the fork up, but my fingers brushed it and I thought "What am I doing?" Now I'm thinking of putting jam on the left over toast. God.. I need to push that plate away.

You know what bugs me? I'm not religious at all, I have 0% belief in any type of god or any concept of creationism or any bs like that, and it bugs me whenever I use religious terms in everyday speech. Phrases like "Oh my god" aren't that bad, but when I think of saying things like "Lord help me if I ever do that" or .. now I'm having a hard time thinking of examples... Hahahaha! I know why too, I'm trying to think of sentences where I use "god" or "lord" but I don't use those words the way they're intended, just in cliches and expletives. Hmmph. How about "What in god's name?" "... this god-forsaken place". Ok, there, you have 3 examples and that's it. I'm done racking my brain. But basically these phrases pop up in my head and I hate to use them. I hate to refer to a concept that is so deeply ingrained into our society that it's unavoidable, yet I believe is completely made-up.

I just looked at that omelette again. I'm going to have to chuck it in the garbage. I know there's no room in my stomach for it.. I can still feel that. I'm far from anorexic, before any starts to worry about me ;o) it's just that I will keep eating if I don't mentally stop myself. I'll keep the toast though :o) I've eaten so much less candy and junk food in the last month that I have a wicked sweet tooth. Jam for Carl! W00t!

I guess I don't have much to relate today. I'd talk about how I slept but that was ok. I'd talk about work yesterday but it was nothing special. Yesterday was just an all-around average day. It's raining out. I'm driving to work this morning. I need to put gas in the car but that means using my Visa and I need to get a cash advance soon so I have to figure out how much to take out. Hmm.. Run-on sentences ahoy.

Hmmm all I can think of now is "Chips Ahoy!" cookies. Dad's oatmeal cookies... maple leaf cookies... drooooool. Ren: "Glazed ham!" That's me. Homer: "Doughhhhhnut" that's me. Man. If I had extra money I'd buy a big ass box of doughnuts and a hot chocolate and pig out at the office. Even though I'm not hungry at all I'm still thinking these thoughts. How disturbing.

There was one thing I wanted to add to my entry from last night. I was thinking about the subject again today in the shower (I'm wondering when I'll stop that. Yesterday on the bike ride home I actually did think of things other than Michelle for at least part of the ride, without even trying!) and I remembered something I wanted to write last night. I have to word it carefully, because it's a delicate thought and saying it wrong could lead to wrong impressions from reading it.

I don't feel like it's my fault that I'm not Kris's daddy any more.

I know that it's my fault Michelle and I separated. And I agree with her that it was the best thing to do at the time. As a matter of fact I'm convinced it helped me to get better faster. I also know that I'm not "better" yet, I'm still in recovery, and it's going to be a long process. Still, I'm not Kris's daddy any more. Kris lost her dad, the dad she's known and loved for 3 years of her 3 1/2 year long life. I'm totally willing to be her dad. As a matter of fact, I'm dying inside because I *can't* be her dad. I want more than anything to continue to let our relationship grow, so we can learn and benefit from each other. I feel cut off from an important person in my life. So I believe that since I still want to be her daddy, and I can't, that means it's not my fault. I can't accept responsibility for her not having a dad because if it were my choice, I still would be.

That's a harsh thought, in some ways. But I really believe it's true. And I really need to believe it, because I can't be living with the guilt involved in the situation when I can't do anything about it. I don't need that kind of unnecessary anguish in my life.

So then the logical progression of the thought is that it is Michelle's fault that I'm not Kris's daddy. But I don't believe that. This is where it gets tricky and hard to know what I'm actually feeling. This is where I get confused. I really don't feel like Michelle is to blame. I mean, how can I when she is the one that was hurt? She is just making the best decision that she can make right now, regardless of whether it's the right or wrong one. Just the same as me. So then who is to blame for Kris not having a dad? When she asks later on why I disappeared, how is that question supposed to be answered? I can easily blame alcohol, but that's not really a complete answer. It's like blaming Michelle's bad luck for getting pregnant at an early age, or the misfortune that the event that made me realize I am an alcoholic happened to be hurtful toward Michelle and split us up. I mean, things could have gone another way and we'd both be working through my alcoholism together, saving our family and avoiding all this lonesomeness, anger, and sadness. But that's not the way things went.

Man, it's always sucks when the only thing you can think of is "that's life." What a shitty explanation, but it's so true. It reminds me of the dilemma religious people face when someone they love dies even though they prayed with all their faith that the person would live. They have to question why their god would let that person die, and there is no explanation. At least, there is no explanation that satisfies them. Of course their brainwash ringleader (pastor, priest, minister, pick one) will say that it is their god's will and that since no human can understand their god's will you just have to accept it. Translation: that's life. Deal with it. There is no one to blame, just move on. Nothing to see here folks. No long mathematical expression on the blackboard with specific reasons for what went down. It just did.

So.. aside from all the philosophizing, the point is that I don't feel like it's my fault that I'm not Kris's daddy today. That doesn't mean much to anyone but me, but to me it is very important.

Mmmm.. toast and jam :o) Jamie just called for a ride to work this morning, since it's raining, and it occurred to me that although it is completely normal for him to be able to call me at 8:30 at expect to find me up, that's quite a stark change from a month and a half ago. Not that I was never up this early, but you couldn't depend on it, that's for sure. This morning I slept in by half an hour and I was still done my shower, dressing, lunch making, breakfast and most of my diary entry before he called, and that was a half hour before work started. I really like things better this way :o)

Oh! I just remembered about something I dreamed last night. It was really cool, and I think it was influenced by reading my AA book before I went to bed. I get in a certain frame of mind when I think in terms of AA and it's very healthy for me because it really helps to put things in perspective and let me organize my thoughts and come to good conclusions. In the dream, I was talking to two people... I don't remember if they were two particular people, but they were peer type people. I was confessing to them that while I smoked pot, I was never on time for work, but ever since I quit I've been at work on time every day. I was telling them (and getting the point at the same time.. sheesh weird) that I never would have blamed pot for being late for work. And I didn't. It is just so exactly the same way people treat alcohol that it helped me understand.

You know what's sad? I really don't want to believe that pot is a substance that is off-limits to me, but I'm starting to think that I should treat it like alcohol. The main reason I don't believe I should quit completely is that I would never black out or hurt anyone by smoking pot. There are downsides.. it's bad for my health, it makes me lazy and tired, it saps my strength and vitality and reduces my potential for accomplishing things with my life. But I associate those bad qualities mostly with chronic use. And then the oh-so-familiar litany comes in. I don't think I should quit marijuana completely because I can learn to control it. I can just use it recreationally instead of daily and not suffer all that much, but still get the benefits. I can think better / differently when I use it. I don't want to consider that I could never smoke it again, ever. I don't like that thought. If I hadn't read every one of those sentences in my AA book, I never would have thought it was such a big deal, but I'd be pretty blind to ignore it all.

We'll see where that goes. I honestly don't believe pot is physically addictive in any way so I'm still not convinced I need to quit, but I'm thinking about it. I can't go wrong by thinking first :o)

Time to head for work. Bye, diary!

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