2002-09-20 - 7:51 a.m.

I'm weary today. I'm not particularly tired, but I'm weary.

Maybe it's because last night the wind was blowing and the temperature dipped and it just plain felt like fall. I layed there for a while listening to the wind and feeling the fall-ness of the evening. Different times of the year make me feel different ways inside, like anyone I suppose, but I like to try to absorb the feeling and categorize it, remember times when I've felt like that before. Sometimes the particular feeling will come back in a dream, or when I'm listening to a song. For the longest time I got the particular feeling of a bitter cold winter in Terrace Bay when I listened to Pink Floyd's "The Final Cut".

Maybe it's because I haven't talked to Michelle in so long, and thinking about the next time I may talk to her is no relief. We exchanged 3 or so lines on MSN a few days ago because she can't find her digital camera cable, but I don't think that really counts as communication. Considering how little was said and how short the time span was, it's surprising how often my thoughts have gone back to that. Mostly I wonder why she MSNed Paul, my coworker at the office, to tell me that she thought I had her cable. I mean, firstly she had already told me that in her email. I suppose she thought maybe I hadn't got the email yet. Although I replied right away.. maybe she just didn't check again after she went through her inbox. And secondly, I can see how she would take me off her MSN list if she didn't want to talk to me, but then why would she leave a coworker of mine on? What is the point of thinking about this?

Maybe it's because I wasn't able to bike to work yesterday and I won't be able to today. They say exercise gives you energy and maybe I'm lacking in exercise-supplied energy.

Maybe it's because my diet is so different than it has been for the past few years. I'm back to eating a lot less food in general, a lot less meat, a lot less sugar, a lot less fat. I eat plenty of food, and it's a good variety of food, but my body could just be reacting to the absence of its usual fare.

Then again it could be some late withdrawal symptom from my abstinence from alcohol, marijuana and caffeine. I don't know, but I haven't particularly noticed any symptoms that I've been able to trace back to a lack of chemicals.

Maybe it's just natural for me to feel weary every once in a while. I remember when I was 13 or 14 maybe that I realized some days I was extra specially happy for no particular reason and others I would just drag myself through the day, and it made sense that there was no particular reason for it, it was just hormonal changes. Everyone has hormones and mood swings, not just girls :o)

So yeah, on to other things. Last night I dreamed of Traci Bowley-Eagle (with a cat named Punkin') for the first time in a long long time if not ever. That was weird for quite a few reasons. I had thought of her lately, maybe a bit more than usual. There are always some things that remind me of her like cleaning my teeth of morning scum with the hot water from the shower head. She used to drink the water too but I wouldn't do that ;o) Anyway in the dream she was about my size if maybe a bit bigger, which was quite incredible considering the last time I saw her she was pushing 220 pounds. (I think, it didn't really matter and I didn't care so I don't exactly know) We somehow ended up in a house, I assume it was hers, and we started talking. I had that feeling that we were "getting together" and of course that's the way she acted too -because it was my dream.

At one point I just grabbed her for a hug and it was really nice. I hugged her for quite some time. That was definitely caused by my obsessive desire to hug Michelle again. I think I've subconsciously imagined it too much and now I'm tortured by the thought. So it was extremely nice in my dream to feel that hug. And with those feelings were mixed some other, almost extinct ones. I still do love Traci, and deeply regret the things I did to hurt her and the missed opportunities we had. I think I would have been very happy marrying her. I miss her joined toes and infectious laugh. I miss her period and I don't think I ever really dealt with the feelings of remorse for screwing her over so bad. Anyway, the hug in my dream had some feelings of release and expectation of a happy possible future mixed in.

The next major thing that happened in the dream was also very weird. It was a recurrence, although I believe last night was only the second time I've dreamed this. My dream definitely began to ride on the back of the previous dream at this point.. or maybe I should say "ride on the track". We were in her house and she had this special contraption where you go into separate rooms, small, white-walled and bare, except for a thick circlet-type headset that you wear and some controls on the wall. I put on the headset and cranked the control, having been through the routine before and knowing what do expect. I closed my eyes and relaxed to brace for the change I knew was coming, but wasn't worried about it because it was the second time.

Dreams are amazing things and I actually dreamed my way through having my mind relocated from my body into a virtual world generated by the contraption we were in. The concept, I believe, is that we both get transported into a common virtual world and we get to interact there and do basically anything. So anyway, right away we started hugging again. Then there was some mention of sex.. I think it was her mom that said something on like a loudspeaker or something.. bizarre I know, so I immediately started getting undressed ;o) She was shy to but of course, since it was my dream, complied. Of course, as always, the dream kind of floundered to a halt without anything interesting happening. I wonder when my dream self will wise up and stop trying ;o) But still, a very bizarre dream.

Yesterday, work went pretty well. Tom is still in town, as of a few days ago, and we had some company planning meetings which I've really come to enjoy. We really don't have meetings very often and when we do there is a point to them, so they're not a bad thing. I really enjoy the chance to hear what everyone else thinks we should do as an organization, and to contribute my views. I usually end up with a good feeling of positive forward motion after our meetings. Anyhow, I also ironed out a few bugs in my installer program and I made some much-needed fixes to our web-based changelog system. I'm already enjoying the benefits of those :o)

After work I headed out to Ardie's place to fix his computer problem. For the low low price of $20/hr (really, it was hard to decide on something and that figure seemed cheap in comparison to what I know computer places charge, but expensive compared to what the average wage in this country is.. sigh) I reinstalled Windows XP and installed three freeware programs on his machine. It took 2 hours, mostly to find out that XP was completely shot, and then to install it. It was quite slow. He also wants my to go back and install some memory for him. At first I was thinking of selling him 128 out of my machine and I still think I may do that, but mem prices are so low now that it is only worth $30. I only paid $80 so it hasn't devalued all that much but it's definitely not a big payout. That's ok, when I'm rich again I can slap 256 in to replace it for the low low price of $60 and then I'll have 1/2 a gig of ram. There really isn't much point in getting more because this is bass-ackward PC133 DRAM we're talking about. This stuff ain't exactly the stuff of the future. So yeah, I should definitely offer my 128 stick to Ardie even if it's only $30. it's $30 I could really use right now :o)

What else? It's only 10 to 8 and I'm driving this morning so I'm not in a rush. I'll just play my guitar or something to fill the time. I really don't have much else that's burning a hole in my mind to get out. I'll be back, same time, same place. Buh-bye.

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