2002-09-20 - 10:26 p.m.

I realized something at my AA meeting tonight. I don't know if it was specifically because of what someone said, or if it was just my mind making some kind of connection.. No, wait, it was Melody's comment about how when she was with her ex, everything she did was wrong.

Shit.

That brings it all back.

I'm so sorry, Michelle. I'm so sorry that I complained so much about things that didn't really matter. I'm especially sorry that I don't have the chance to make it up to you.

The way it hit me was that I realized that Michelle probably wouldn't get why I would want to be back with her. Since I bitched about so many things, doesn't that mean that I wasn't happy with her? It would only be natural for her to feel like I was less than happy because I did complain about so many things. How could I explain that it was my problem that made me bitchy, not the things she did or didn't do. How could I let her understand that I want her back like crazy because inside I knew all along how great she was for me and how much I appreciated having her around, when on the outside I didn't do enough to show it?

Right now I'm thinking the same thought I've had so many times lately: I only wish I had the chance to use all that I've learned to make our relationship better. She deserved so much better and now she is going to get that from another guy because I fucked up. I lost the chance to treat her better. I only wish things could have been different. I wish I could have learned all this and still had a relationship with her so I could apply all that I've learned and make her life so much happier. I honestly think she's decided she doesn't want a relationship because she sees it going back to the way it was: me bitching and her being less than satisfied.

I think she would have stayed because she realized inside that I would eventually grow up and learn to treat her happier, and that she wasn't exactly the perfect spouse either. But now it probably seems a lot simpler from her point of view to make a clean break with me and start over later with someone else than it would to rebuild what we had. I only wish our views were the same on that point.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still extremely grateful that I know what is wrong with me and how to fix it, and that I'm on the right track. I'm glad I can trust myself never to black out again, so I can trust myself to say to someone "I will never hit you." I know that this time when I say that I won't come to after a blackout and realize I broke the promise.

I really don't know when I would have found AA if Michelle hadn't left me. It's so confusing, the happiness I feel and the remorse at the same time, both based on her leaving me. If only the leaving wasn't so permanent. If only we were still friends. If only she still thought of me and thought that our relationship was good enough, that *I* was good enough to be worth saving... then I would feel a hell of a lot better.

Instead, I have to rely on my own feelings of self-worth and build up from there, ignoring her judgement of me as someone that can never be trusted. It's very hard, because I've held her in such high regard for so long. I've respected her opinions and trusted her so much that now it's hard to start believing that she is wrong and I'm right. But I have to. I have no future if I believe her and let her judgement weigh me down too much. It's such a hard situation.. so many conflicting emotions and feelings. I know only time will make things better.

The sad part is that time will make things better by making me forget. I don't want to forget Michelle. I don't want to forget Kris. I don't want to forget the family I had.

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