2002-09-23 - 8:22 a.m.

I'm running a little late today. Dilligence is definitely something I have to work on regularly. I have to be dilligent about my dilligence .. ack. :o)

Yesterday was quite a dreary day. I spent most of it in front of the computer, watching MSN to see who was signed out every few minutes. I think in some ways it was a good idea to wait 2 weeks before communicating with Michelle after the last time, but... Hmm.. it reminds me of that thing the AA speaker said: "Don't give me a challenge that I can't drink for X days, because I'll make myself, I'll do it, and then I'll drink enough to make up for lost time and then some." So now that I challenged myself not to write to Michelle for 2 weeks, I'm extra-eager to write to her now and thinking about her way too much. Time to go back to "rules to avoid depression".. one of them says not to turn on the computer just to see if Michelle is on MSN.

Other than that, I played a bit of Return to Castle Wolfenstein. That game really sucks. There's not much more I can say about it than that. I can't remember the last time I played a game where I felt like I was inside a little painted cardboard box the whole time. And the bots! Ack! I guess I'm too used to DoD but the feel of the game is all wrong and having to put 5 or 6 bullets into a guy before her goes down is annoying. But that's how it has to be because the player character takes that many bullets. The graphics for the game are solid and smooth, but they just don't feel realistic. I feel like I'm in a toy castle, and I keep seeing the "edge" of the world, where there's a steep drop and all that's next to me is a painted countryside. Enough about this.. I'm just going to uninstall the game and quit bitching.

So I didn't play that for long. I kept turning the computer off and then going right back to it. At one point I was looking up some guitar information, chord progression for the song "Torn" which I learned Nathalie Imbruglia covered. Oh! I also did some recording. I tested out my mics and learned that the cheapy one that came with my sound blaster, the one that we (crap.. I hate that) use for Counter-Strike. Make that the one that I use for DoD. There is no "we". Anyway, I wrecked that sentence. It turns out the expensive sony one I bought records very quietly so either you have to yell into the thing or play the guitar super loud and that's no good. Well, it wasn't really expensive, it just wasn't the ultra-cheap one :o)

So anyway, I fooled around with recording. It'll be a long time before I get serious about making music, if indeed I ever get that far. I'm having a blast so far though so I don't see why it will stop. I still play my guitar almost every day and I definitely look forward to playing it.

So Michelle never did show up on MSN. In the morning, after I wrote my entry, I thought to myself "well, it's been 2 weeks since the last time you emailed Michelle about 'stuff', so you can go ahead now and write one if you like". I did write a letter. I didn't send it. I started out simple, trying to word things so she would be pleased when she read it and to maximize the chances of her wanting me back etc etc. Wrong. It was slow going and after only 4 or 5 lines I just decided to write out what I really wanted to say. The letter turned into a long list of questions. Questions that a) I would love to ask her, b) I doubt she would be pleased to receive, c) I'm afraid I already know the answers to. I never had the intention of sending her that list, although it crossed my mind at some point. I also thought about posting it up here, but although I don't think she reads this, I did tell her about it and I did tell her the URL. I never wrote it down though and I doubt she was interested enough in the concept to remember it or care to. But still.

I guess with every day that goes by the realization is sinking in a little more. There really isn't much hope left in my heart. I'm starting to look forward to the day that will go by when I don't think of Michelle at all. I don't know when that may be, but it will be weird to think "I can't remember if I thought of her yesterday". I think I'll be much happier then, considering how things are going.

So yeah, I didn't send her a letter. I couldn't think of anything to say that I thought she'd be happy to read. I couldn't think of anything I really wanted to say that was appropriate. I decided that I want to chat with her on MSN instead and try to have a calm quiet friendly conversation instead of sending some weighty emotion-laden email. The truth is I'm back in that same corner.. I don't know what to do or what to say and I can't get rid of the feeling that I have to do or say something.

I still can't believe she deserted me. She hasn't initiated a single conversation for the purpose of just talking to me since she left. I honestly believe she never would. After 3 years. It's just sad. She's really not who I thought she was, and every day she continues down this road, I'm more and more glad I didn't marry her. There, I said it. I need to find someone who I can trust to stay with me no matter what. Someone who can look me in the eye and say "till death do us part" and mean it with all her being, so I will never have to feel this way again.

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