2002-09-24 - 8:04 a.m.

Good morning :o)

I guess I'm slowly recovering from my latest depression. I'm still not feeling all that well inside, but I'm definitely seeing changes in my feelings towards Michelle. I'm starting to talk myself out of starting conversations with her. I'm starting to reconsider whether I'd even want to be with someone like her. That's a strange thought for someone like me who usually stays fixed on an ex for ages. I think maybe that mental image of her saying to me "Carl, I don't want to be with you." is helping. I'm really glad I asked her to say that right to my face.

I still wish with all my heart that she would reconsider. I still harbor hope that she has a place in her heart for me, that she lies awake at night some times thinking of me, and that she wishes at some level that I was still Kris's daddy.

But I don't think so. To use her words.

That and she doesn't talk to me. I mean, she could be waiting for me to talk to her first, but I don't even want to go there. I'm not about to start second guessing myself and trying to decide whether or not to start a conversation. If she wanted me at all, she could write to me. Soooo.. long story short I have no immediate intention of writing to her or talking to her if she happens to show up online. Bleah.

I had some funky dreams last night. At one point I had the miniature city dream where I'm in a big complicated building with tons of people and lots of roadways and stuff. I got to the wrong place or was heading the wrong way and tried to head back the way I came, only to get more lost. I can't remember a point to that one, but I always feel lost in the mini city dream. I remember the first time I had it, I had driven to this mini city all the way from Elliot Lake, specifically from the old beach. Weird. I still remember that dream.

I also dreamed of Mike last night. That has to be the first time in recent memory. I did see him on MSN a few days ago, which almost never happens, but didn't say anything to him. Another case of "just don't go there". At some point in the future I want to go to his house and apologize again and offer him the price of his concert ticket since I ruined that for him, but I doubt he'll want to talk to me. I'll wait until I hit the 4th step and my sponsor can give me some tips about how to deal with people who don't want to see you when you're trying to make amends.

Anyway, in the dream Mike was talking about some stuff that happened shortly after August 16th. Of course since it was my dream, he was discussing the stuff I was most curious about and after a point you could tell it was made up along the way. I think the dream was based around a comment that Michelle made when I went to visit her. She said: "I wanted to talk but Mike wouldn't let me". I think she meant the night it happened, since she came into the room as I was still picking up glass and told me she wasn't going to leave me there alone, but left and never came back. She also could have meant another time, I suppose, but no, I think it was that night she was talking about. Shitty. I always have this feeling that other people interfered with the whole situation but whatever, it was her choice to make in the end.

In the dream, Mike talked about how I'd done other stuff that night. He said "did you know that you left the hotel for a while?" Of course that was a surprise in the dream. Surprising because it didn't happen, but I felt like I believed him. "Yeah, you went down the street to the love bug and you were " something something about a dildo and I can't remember. I guess just basically acting like a fool. I have no idea where all this info came from but that was about all he said and.. I don't know. What was the point really of writing this? I suppose that I'm still thinking of a friend I lost and of the terrible act I did that ruined the life I had.

oj break. much needed

So this morning in the shower, I was thinking of Michelle's promise again. She told me she swore to herself that she wouldn't end up like her mother, that she "would never stay with someone who hit me." Now I honestly don't think I'm being selective or interpretive when I say that the promise doesn't apply to me. Her mom was in abusive relationships, she's seen her friends go through abusive relationships, and her family has a history of it, so it's clear where the promise has its roots.

The thing is, we never had an abusive relationship. I was never the type that tried to control her or force her to do the things I wanted. I was never physically dominating or agressive, never punched, kicked, slapped or even pushed her. What happened was a freak occurrance while I was in an alcoholic blackout and can best be described as a childish tantrum.

From this event, she has come to the conclusion that she can never trust me again. She has also come to the conclusion that if we were in a relationship again, I would start to beat her. And this is why she thinks the promise applies to me.

Obviously, I'm not a wife abuser and if I don't get drunk again, I'm never going to hit anyone I care about again. I've punched people about twice in my life, both in teenage fights, not something I aimed for or even allowed to happen if I could avoid it. Anyway, what it comes down to for me is that I don't fit the description of the person that Michelle's promise to herself was meant to protect her from.

What she believes is another story. I don't think I will be able to change her mind about it, either. She is already making herself believe something that isn't totally true, and I know when people get in that situation that the more you try to convince them, the more you reinforce the lies they are telling themselves. It's exactly the same as telling a Christian that god isn't real. Just telling them that makes them believe the lie all the more.

If there is to be any hope that Michelle will stop thinking I am a wife beater and that I would hit her again, it will have to be from her considering the point with an open mind and realizing what she already knows about me. It will be from her realizing she already trusts me. I know that, because she let me take Kris out into the back yard to play by ourselves, and she never would have allowed that if I was, say, Glen, her mother's husband. Nor would she have allowed that if I was stinking drunk. She doesn't think about this, though, to her it was just natural that we should go outside and play, and I really don't believe she makes the connection that that means she implicitly trusts me, at some deep level that will never be shaken.

She trusted me with her only daughter, who she loves more than life itself, without even thinking about it, because she knew that I wouldn't hurt her. How did she know that? Cause she knew she could trust me. She knew that for the last three years I had loved Kris with all my heart and never wanted to hurt her. She knew that, and knows it to this day, but it still doesn't affect her judgement regarding me. I honestly believe that's because she has no judgement regarding me. I think she made up her mind in the heat of the moment and just never really thought about it after that. That, in a nutshell, is what has made me so frustrated and upset for the last month.. this feeling that if only she would really think about it, that she would realize she's abandoning a good relationship when she should be willing to try and save it.

From this, I've gotten a lot of hurt feelings, by thinking that the reason she doesn't talk to me is that she would just rather not be with me. I got the feeling that once she realized we were apart and she was single, she looked back on our relationship and figured that she was better off without me, regardless of what had happened August 16th. I don't know if this feeling is true or not. Ack, more confused pain.

I hope I'm not torturing myself with all these thoughts. I'm undecided whether I'm going through this whole process in the easiest way, but writing out my feelings and by thinking about all this stuff, or if I should just be trying not to think about it at all and move on with my life as if I was never with her... "PARTY AT MY PLACE!" ?

I wish I knew what she was thinking.

Well, that isn't going to happen so I should really focus on the now... just think of the present and live my life.

..

I talked to my grandfather the other day. I forgot to mention it when writing yesterday's entry. We talked about how work is going... my grandpa is the one person who always takes an interest in where my future is headed. I really appreciate that. I hadn't thought of it really before now, but he is such a good role model in that respect. I've always thought that I got my good work ethic from him. I hope I was able to transfer at least a bit of that to Kris.

We also talked about Michelle. He said it was too bad things didn't work out and I had to find a serious girl this time. I told him that Michelle and I were serious and that I was the one who messed things up. I really believe that, but then again, I had a little bit of self doubt. This is a very good thing and I'm glad I'm starting to really listen to what other people say. Perhaps he has a point.. maybe Michelle wasn't serious enough about things. I don't know. He would just say it for no reason, and there's a good chance he knows better than me. Maybe I just lucked out of a bad marriage there. It's a point to consider, anyway.

What other news? Oh! hehe.. this morning I just caught onto the root of "news" as in multiple "new"s. Like what's new with you? oh well, I have this new and that new, those are my news. Phht. W00t.. Carl roxors

The weather network said that the sun rose at 7:46am today and will set at 7:51 pm. Yikes. There isn't even snow on the ground and already we are down to 12 hour days. I can only assume it would be shorter days if I wasn't so far north. That means my mom has even less sunlight :-( Oh well. Hmm.. Amherstburg sunrise and sunset is 7:21 am and 7:25 pm respectively. So a grand total of 1 minute difference. Ok, never mind about the less daylight thing. It's probably just a rounding error anyway :oP. 7:37am and 7:42 for Terrace bay. Funny, I thought it would be later than here? Ohhhh yeahhhhh, Terrace Bay is that way. Duh. Amherstburg is, too, since I'm way over in western canada. I keep forgetting this stuff. Well, that's a good helper to remember where things are, anyway :o)

Worth noting is that I fired up MSN "just to see who was online" while checking the weather network's sunrises and sunsets. Duh. Carl, Michelle wouldn't be online this early, and besides.. WOULD YOU REALLY WANT TO TALK TO HER???

Some things I just have to yell at myself until I get them. Sigh.

Time to do some dishes and pack up my things. Sayonarra, or however you spell that.

Oh, one more thing I almost forgot. I went to Ardie's last night to fix his stupid Windows XP install. I brought over my 128MB chip and put it in right away, then had a bunch of problems with his machine.. programs crashing constantly and blue screens all over... then it finally dawned on me that maybe the memory wasn't working. I have no idea why there would be any problem.. it really makes no sense. Why should it work perfectly in my motherboard but not his????? Annnyway, so I wasted a bunch of time there, and missed out on $40. I spent three hours there and had to knock 2 off my fee because I really didn't make much progress from the night before. Considering I made $20 for that one hour, though, I was still about minimum wage.

I didn't really care so much because I got that cheque for $99 from the insurance company last night, so my september money woes are taken care of! I was sooo excited to see that cheque!!! Now I'll even have a little spare cash to throw around from doing these jobs at night. Time for an oil change.

Also, through Ardie I got a few more people calling me for help. This is turning out to be quite lucrative, considering I'll likely get 2 hours over at Stuart's stepdad's too, installing a new burner for them. I thanked Stu in an email last night. If it wasn't for this source of income, I don't know where I'd be. Begging money from my parents and friends, probably.

Well, I'm off now for real.

Bye.

No, really :oP

hehe..

still have my sense of humour. I'll never lose it till the day I die.

I guess I was right when I figured I'd "found myself" when I was 17. Since that day, I really have been happy with myself, "happy in my own skin" as the expression goes. As long as I have me, I'll be ok. Not necessarily super happy, but ok.

I have the odd urge to write "peace out" but I'm just not going there. Maybe I should end in a squeal of death for old times sake ;o) Nah.. just au revoir. I like that better.

Au revoir.

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