2002-09-24 - 1:23 p.m.

Well, I just saw Michelle on MSN for the first time in a few weeks.

I sat there for a moment, pondering whether I should say "hi".

I wasn't really sure what else I would say.. I guess ask about how work was going and things like that.

I decided to get up and go to the bathroom to help me make my mind up. Got back.. she was still online. Sat there some more.

Then I did something I often do, I set a time in the future when I would act. I decided that in 8 minutes (it just happened to be 1:12pm) I would say "hi" if she was still online. So I set a reminder to ding at 1:20 and did some work.

At 1:19 .. well.. heh.. anyway, I was watching the clock, I put aside my work, closed my eyes, and opened up MSN. She wasn't online any more.

The first things that went through my head were thoughts like "it's for the better". "There's no use anyway". "It's really over". "She wouldn't know what to say". "I wouldn't want to bother her". "It wouldn't be good to talk in the middle of the day while I'm at work anyway". "She hasn't said hi in a month, it's really over".

Now I'm just sitting here blank. I can't believe it's over. I keep re-realizing it over and over and over: "over". As in done. As in not going to continue. As in no chance. As in she has moved on and doesn't want a relationship. As in "Carl, I don't want to be with you". As in "Carl, forget about the last three years and everything we said to each other, about our daily hugs and continually professed love. Forget I said I would marry you. It is over"

I guess I just have to get to work on that forgetting part.

Except for quite a while now I have very little will to do much of anything. I know it's to be expected, and I'm not really blaming myself for it, but I feel really useless and guilty for not getting much of anything done.

Even though I'm keeping so busy I hardly have any time to myself, I still spend way too much time thinking about her. I know better, but it's not stopping. I need an AA program for letting go of feelings.

But how can I just let go? The feelings aren't going away just cause I tell them too. And they won't for a long long time yet.

Shitty.

I can only imagine it's not much easier for her.

But I have no sympathy for her whatsoever. In my mind, she could easily get rid of the loneliness. I have to think bigger than that.. I know if she could just be with me she would have done that already. Crap. I wish I could talk to her. Sigh... life really sucks.

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