2002-09-24 - 2:36 p.m.

Well, time for the second set of thoughts on this afternoon's non-communication.

I've been really down about it for an hour now, but there have been some rays of sanity in there. One was: what's the big deal? So she didn't say hi. It doesn't mean she never will or that our friendship is non-existent. It firstly means that she didn't go online with the intention of talking to me, which is understandable. It secondly means that she didn't choose to talk to me, assuming she saw me online, and assuming she was free to, which is also understandable.

I mean, if she had to go online to talk to a friend about something and then had to rush home for whatever reason, it would not be a wise idea to start talking to me. If Lindsey or her dad were in the room, she would feel pressured not to talk to me. If any of her other new friends who know of our situation were in the room, the same pressure would be there. I am the wife-beater here folks, not the nice guy who made a mistake.

Anyway, the point of all this is: there could be any number of reasons why Michelle didn't say anything. And, generally speaking, why people don't say hi to other people online. We just don't know what's happening at the other end. It is useless and hurtful to assume the worst, and that habit is something I have to dilligently work on changing. No more assuming the worst.

Hmm, I finally have an addition to my list of "rules to avoid depression". I think I should order them in increasing difficulty to maintain :oP. Anyway, new rule: "Do not assume the worst".

Alrighty.

I really just wanted to post this because I feel childish about my last post. Granted, they were valid emotions and thoughts if only because they happened to me and felt real. But in hindsight and with some time gone by (water under the bridge?) it seems silly to feel down for something so meaningless.

Also granted, it is a safe assumption that Michelle didn't feel like talking to me, but I feel justified in delaying talking to her and in not having talked to her at all. I really can't convince myself that I missed any kind of opportunity by not talking to her. It's more like I avoided an akward conversation.

I think it would be far wiser to wait some more, especially because then my feelings won't be so raw and strong and automatically hurtful. It will also be much better when she gets an internet connection at home.

I can picture the conversation I *do* want to have with her. It's in the evening. I have nothing particularly to do. It's not a weekend, ie she is home alone. I've been seeing her online frequently so I know she has internet at home. I say hello simply and ask her how she is doing. That is all.

I know I have no patience. Hmm.. funny, because I have a nearly limitless amount of patience in some senses, but extremely little in the long term sense. What I mean is I can sit and wait for hours on end for something when most other people would run out of patience, but when I consider that it might be weeks before I talk to Michelle if I wait for her to get internet at home, I get all frustrated.

Like, duh. It's only a few weeks. Will I remember those weeks 10 years from now?

I can't deny that part of my lack of appeal to other people is a selfishness and annoyingness induced by lack of long term patience. I want everything now and I want everything my way. Grow up, that's not life. Tough titty said the kitty.

So how to translate that into a remembered maxim, or write it where I will be guaranteed to see it so that the next time Michelle shows up online for 15 minutes and doesn't say hi I don't start feeling all sad??? I'd bet I'll even remember the phrase "tough titty said the kitty" but it won't make me feel like I do now, that I'm just wasting sadness on something that isn't worth wasting it on.

I mean, yeah, be sad that she doesn't want to be with me, but don't be sad that she didn't say hi on MSN. That's just stupid. Yikes.. I have so far to go before I grow up. Things will be better, though.

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