2002-09-29 - 3:46 p.m.

Alright, time to write my first weekly review! I'm not really sure how to do this but I've read through all my entries since last Sunday and I've taken point form notes of the stuff I thought was relevant. So far it's taken me about an hour and a half, I think.

I'm thinking I'll just write in a brief overview kind of way about how the week progressed. In the future, I want to review in the sense of seeing where I've met my goals and where I could work harder. Since I didn't have clearly defined goals for the past week, I'll just substitute for what I said I was going to do or referred to.

One thing to note right off the bat is that Monday's entry talks about how on the day before I wasted my time on MSN watching for Mich. Today has definitely been a far more productive and smart day. Already I've done laundry, reviewed and planned goals for this week, reviewed my finances and planned for next month, and started this review. Very good work on myself that I needed badly.

Ok, on with the past week.

From the beginning, I was rather depressed and talked a lot of how badly things were going for me. It was hard to read because I was being rather childish and self-righteous. I seemed mad at Michelle and talked as if she was to blame for me being unhappy. This went on unchecked for a few days. I was also obssessing about her a lot, talking about writing unsent letters to her, watching for her online, thinking about her at nights and dreaming about her.

On Tuesday I said I had no intention of talking to her if I saw her online, but later that same day I write that I saw her online at the office and "sat there for a moment, pondering whether I should say 'hi'". Sigh. I wrote a whole entry about not talking to her and basically was in self-pity mode for the rest of the day.

There was a highlight, though. I wrote another entry, about the entry where I talked about not talking to her, and in that entry I see the beginning of a new way of thinking: "I really can't convince myself that I missed any kind of opportunity by not talking to her. It's more like I avoided an akward conversation". Ching! In this entry I also talk about my lack of patience generally and also about how selfish I am.

On Wednesday I talked more about goals for the future and how things are coming around in some ways. Another highlight here: "I should generally devote a few hours to maintenance if I want to be successful in life." Ching! A sign of things to come. I also mention the idea of a weekly review here. Good to see that I mean the things I say these days!

Thursday was the big turning point of the week for me. That night, my friend Niki basically told me off on MSN and blocked me. As I said in the entry, it was "a much needed slap in the face". I spent the rest of the night doing some soul-searching and starting the AA program in earnest from p58. I definitely changed my mind about exactly how far along I've come and started being more honest with myself. Highlights: "I think it's time I'm a little more honest with myself." and "Other people aren't being unreasonable here, it's me who's being childish." Ching! Ching! :o) I like this ching idea.

On Friday I talk about being happy and progressing. I also make an admission of a recent failure. Very necessary and I'm glad I did it. A true sign of progress.

The end of the week I focused on how things were coming along and I generally seemed to be feeling better. Work was coming along and I was getting some real internal progress going. I also spent less time talking about Michelle and mention abstaining from checking if she was online a few times. Come to think of it, I remember having a definite feeling either Thursday or Friday that something had budged inside and felt different with regards to her. I seem to be coming around and moving on. Sad, but necessary.

Well, that's it for my first review. I don't really know what else to say except that I basically did well this week. I want to avoid being too positive, cause that's an easy trap for me, but I definitely got past a critical point this week.

I did however alienate a friend and I don't know if I'll be able to get her back.

I have a lot of other stuff to get to so I'd better do that now. Time to plan for Christmas gift projects :o)

Maybe I'll get a chance to frag some bots too before I head out for badminton :oD

Au revoir.

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