2003-04-27 - 10:04 p.m.

I've slipped back to feeling more lost than found.

Oh yeah, now I remember what I wanted to write. I've become indifferent to playing the guitar daily for the first time. How sad. I enjoyed playing last night though. I'm not sad because I fear that I'll stop liking the guitar, it's that I was so happy about playing every day without really putting an effort into making myself. I haven't given up hope yet.. It's rare that I talk about these things, even to myself, as they are happening, and this just started happening. It could just be my general mood is so withdrawn that I'm not finding excitement in anything.

Today I cleaned my car. It needed it, badly. I vacuumed years of dirt out of the inside. I saw one of Michelle's hairs. Whatever.

I also finished compressing a bunch of guitar recordings to MP3 format because I was running out of hard drive space. I'm back up to 2 gigs free but I really need another hard drive. 60 gigs just isn't really enough any more.

Lastly, I drained the hot tub and scrubbed the inside, then refilled it. I'm glad I got that done and in a timely fashion. It's good for my self-esteem.

I'm almost done this really interesting (to me) book called "Shadow's End" by Sheri Tepper. It's a sci-fi fantasy type novel that really had me wondering what was going on but ended up being a tad contrived. Still an interesting read.

Oh, there's something. I've recently lived in the past in a moment where Michelle stormed out of the door of the house in cs_estate and gunned down a bot, making her first CS kill. I remembered that when I thought I'd have a hard time finding another girl who shared my love of computer games. I'm sure they're not that uncommon. But anyway, it made me want to load up the beast and have a go with some old bots. It's really sad that no one has been improving their bots and basically the best ones are the old POD bots, like 1.4. It's even sadder that I never accomplished anything with all the energy I had for making a bot. I could have, and still could, make a simply amazing bot that would blow away anything that's existed yet. I just know I can do this, but I'm all too aware of my inabilities and inadequacies to have much hope of that particular goal being reached any time soon.

I must not be this way, must not write these things. I must remember the words... "When I focus on the problem, the problem increases. When I focus on the answer, the answer increases." I know bitching at myself and getting myself down for not accomplishing things is not the answer, because I've been doing that for a long time now and haven't seen any positive results. So.. next method please.

That is all.

ps I didn't write yesterday. I clearly remember laying down to sleep and remembering that I hadn't written an entry so far that day, and I also clearly remember thinking that it wasn't worth getting out of bed when I was just beginning to start warming up and sit in the cold, blinking near-sightedly at the screen, to get the entry in. I don't feel bad about that at all, actually, which I think is a good thing.

pps my back hurts.

ppps I beat nightmare Baal with juicemonkey the other day. My HC character beat nightmare diablo in a marathon session. I never imagined getting so far so quickly, and so easily. I had a few panicky moments, but diablo himself was quite harmless in comparison to some of the mobs that attacked me on my way to him. I know this is silly stuff.. I just want to write about it now so that I can think 3 or 4 or 10 years from now about how much time I spent playing diablo and how little there is to show for it. Or for all I know I will still be playing the game. It wouldn't surprise me.

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