2003-08-26 - 2:37 p.m.

(prologue: I am not a violent person)

weird. I've never totally gone after someone as if to kill them. This is something that has tortured me, I'm sure. You see, our whole society glamorizes this extreme use of force, this murderous intent, this perfectly calculated criminal act. How often have I seen someone use killing force on TV? I haven't even watched TV regularly for several years. For a long time I didn't even experience cable TV.

If you were to go 6 months without once paying attention to a cable TV broadcast, then suddenly get exposed to one, loudly turned on, in a family viewing session, you would really see what the stuff is. It's frightening.

So what does this have to do with my statement about never having gone after someone with the intent to kill? Well, in my daily dealings with people, I have to choose from a set of available social interaction activities. What I choose from this set labels me, classifies me if you will, so that when a psychologist wants to talk about me as a stereotypical individual, she might say "asocial previously-alcoholic individual X might think other people are secretly laughing at him when he

hears them giggle when he is nearby."

Anyway, let's just say that we are surrounded by heroes and sundry well-represented infamous types who daily carry out social agendas involving murder or other wielding of enormous powers. Watch CEOs make huge business deals, watch ninjas change the course of a country's political future by feats of coordination, determination, awareness, courage and skill, watch Joe Blow the new york boxer tell about how he killed a man with his bare hands. All these experiences are not only available for your perusal, but actively presented to you, pushed on you unsuspecting:

phone rings

Carl: hello?

Caller: Hello Mr Brennan, I'm Sean Tacklass calling on behalf of WeRipU cable network. We've noticed your cable isn't connected. Would you like to sign up

Carl ] No thanks, I don't want cable.

]

Caller ] for the low monthly fee of $29.95?

Carl: Sorry... I just don't want cable, that's all.

Sean Tacklass: I see Mr Brennan. Well, the company has an offer available. Would you like to sign up for a free mo... (..nth of cab...?)

Carl: No, really. laughs Look.. honest, I don't like cable. Please; leave me alone.

-click-

Ah.. the power of phones. Anyway. Where was I. Santa Claus wasn't delivering free months of cable or anything, that was a side-route. I was talking about the feeling I'd realized. The feeling that I was facing a tortuous existence by being expected to respect individuals who frequently use killing intention in their daily lives, while knowing full well that someone doing that for real goes to jail.

So anyway, I've been faced with dreams in which my subconscious self gets thrust into situations where this often-witnessed act is called into the present by the pressure of its absence in my experience. I hate these dreams while I'm having them. If you've ever dreamed that you woke up but then were still dreaming and didn't know how to get out of your dreamworld, then you'll know how I felt. Trapped.

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talked to Niki for a while. instant messaging is so useful yet.. hard to get used to.

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whatever. will finish later heh

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