2003-03-02 - 3:58 p.m.

Hum.

Leaving Niki's now.

It is my nature to be disappointed in myself, and I think I'm finally getting the better of that character flaw. Rather than bitch at myself about what I didn't do, I'm concentrating on what I have done and on my plans for the future. If you really think about it, this is the only way that makes sense.

No, I didn't write a dozen pages of notes or write code that does even the simplest task, but does that mean I wasted my time? No. I thought carefully about several aspect of my project, made some notes (though minimal) and best of all have formed a plan for how to write my very first lines of code toward completing my project.

However, I have to report that I still feel dreary.

Oh! Suddenly I realize that the fridge is off. It's amazing that I could not have noticed. One thing I'm convinced of is that I have an extremely limited tolerance for noise. It doesn't even have to be distracting noise, any kind at all will severely limit my ability to keep focused.

Anyway, yeah, I feel dreary. I feel old, and that I'm dying (eventually :P). I feel like I've missed opportunities and I constantly think of the things I wish I had. I remind myself that if it's something I *can't* have, then I'd better find something else to want. Still, I've been fettered by thoughts of the past, thoughts that shouldn't have survived over 6 months.

What about goals for this week? Did I achieve what I set out to do? Yes. I made my goal simple :) hehehe.. It was.. simplify. I ate, I slept, I read, I played games, I surfed, I did some mapping, I emailed, I IMed, I thought, I played my guitar, I wrote notes and I went for a walk. Hmm.. come to think of it, that sounds like a lot of things to have been doing. Why did I feel as though I hadn't done all that much while I was here? I think it's because I didn't start anything new.

But, to be honest, I did an awful lot of different things while I was here. You'd think I could have kept my activities down to maybe half a dozen things, but.. hmm.. this needs more thought.

But yes, I didn't start anything new while I was here. I purposely avoided new things :) I need to keep that trend up, and even remove certain activities, cut out certain games, stop myself from picking up new books or magazines. My idea is that if I don't allow myself to do so many new things, I'll end up spending more time on the things I'm already working on and in that way I'll achieve incremental progress.

I guess I could say that the best thing about this week has been that I kept a positive attitude. I didn't get down on myself for not accomplishing a lot. Rather, I took the attitude of scientific observation where I simply noticed the things I did without trying to attach an emotional judgement to them.

I hope I can carry some extra clarity forward into the coming days and weeks. My goal at home is to assign myself some tasks to be completed by deadlines that are at most a few days away. I have some work to do for Tom, and I have to get my Windows 2000 installation booting again. I have to get a hello world app running using the new techniques my project represents, and that means finalizing some class definitions and process flows.

I'm anxious about what the future holds. I sort of have faith in myself.. we'll see.

Parting thoughts.. go forward with an open mind and an honest expectation of best effort.

previous - next